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The World Race

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I'm Stephanie May Wilson!

I'm an author and podcaster and my specialty is helping women navigate big decisions, life transitions — creating lives they love.

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I was at the grocery store today, when I took a giant leap into my reclaimed American-ness.

I used the self-checkout lane.

The supervisor guy walked towards me quickly and I immediately looked around- wondering if there was some sort of ‘self- checkout’ protocol I had forgotten about. He came up next to me, grabbed some discarded baskets and then walked away. I breathed a totally unnecessary sigh of relief.

I followed the instructions- luckily they were pretty idiot proof (I’ve been feeling like an idiot a lot lately)- and proceeded to swipe my credit card.

And then something profound popped up on the credit card machine’s little screen.

It’s profound in itself that I found this profound, because my mind’s been a bit to slow for ‘profound’ recently.

But it stopped me in my tracks.

“Processing- please wait.”

Now, I understand that it was talking about my credit card … but it got me thinking.

“Processing… please wait.”

I should have that stamped on my forehead.

In the past year, I literally traveled all the way around the world. I lived in countless places, slept in countless beds, traveled on planes, trains, busses, taxis, tuk tuk’s, weird Thai trucks where somehow it’s safe to put benches in the bed of it, and walked for miles with all of my belongings strapped to my back.

I lived with people I loved and people I found hard to love. I went through times where I was lovable and times where loving me was a bit of a challenge. I was pushed, pulled, stretched and forced out of my comfort zone time and time again.

And coming home after all of that is a change and a big one.

When you’re gone for so long, you begin fantasizing about what you’re going to do when you get home. You list your favorite foods, your favorite spots in your favorite city and you begin to try to remember what you left packed in your closet (a totally new wardrobe now that you forgot all about it!)

There were a million things that I dreamed of doing when my feet hit American soil, and I have to admit, I haven’t done many of them. Not only that, but the few that I HAVE done, have lacked the weight of attention and appreciation that makes experiences truly memorable. I’ve just been too tired.

Instead of running around to coffee dates, lunches and nights on the town, I have to really persuade myself to leave my house.

I like it here and I’d like to stay for a while. I fall asleep every night in front of the Olympics on my couch, and at about 9:30, my mom wakes me up and gently coaxes me up to bed. I haven’t taken on Denver, I haven’t seen more than a few friends, and I haven’t done hardly any of the things I spent so long dreaming about.

I’ll venture out eventually.

And in this, I’m trying to learn to give myself the grace that the credit card machine requested for itself.

“Processing… please wait.”

I haven’t been sad much since being home- but tonight, as I was driving through Denver, I found myself with the heaviest heart, just sad for a reason that I couldn’t really pinpoint.

I drove through town seeing places where I’d been on dates, where I had my first TV internship, and then down the road, where I had my last. It’s weird being in a place that feels new but also holds the memories of a lifetime of joys and losses all wrapped into one sparkling metropolis.

I didn’t cry- but I was surprised when I realized I sort of wanted to.

We’re erratic creatures (recently docked missionaries), we cry without reason, we cannot totally get on board with carrying cell phones, and I seriously began scouting for a place to go to the bathroom the other night while I was on a walk. (Debating between various neighbor’s yards before I remembered that that’s not ok here.)

That totally inexcusable (almost)-behavior aside, we’re all processing this thing differently. But we certainly are in process.

It’s not bad- it’s definitely beautiful- and Jesus is teaching us as much in this season as He did in the last. But that doesn’t mean that it makes sense and that doesn’t mean that it’s necessarily easy.

And that’s ok.

My plea is that if you know someone coming off of the World Race, or any experience for that matter, give them heaping amounts of grace. Ask them how they’re doing, and don’t ask much of them. Allow them the space and time to talk if they need to, but also allow them to be quiet if they don’t have much to say.

If they burst randomly into tears, don’t be surprised, just give them a hug.

But what we need more than anything is time and rest.

We really, really need sleep, and we need your help in turning down fun movie dates, dinners out and parties. I’m terrible at saying ‘no’ to things that sound fun. But what I need more than anything is to pass out on the couch at 9:30 with my parents.

We need to know that it’s ok that we’re in process. We need to know that it’s ok that we don’t have this whole thing figured out and that it’s ok if we cry a little, laugh a little, remember a little and then sleep a LOT.

It’s beautiful and funny and weird and hard. But it’s a process… and so whatever happens between here and the beginning of the next process is totally and completely ok.

So to you- our adorable and eager family and friends- but more to ourselves, we need this reminder. A reminder to rest, breathe and to forgive ourselves in the process of the meantime.

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  1. Vanessa Butler says:

    Woman, I have missed your writing. I haven’t been able to cry. Not at debrief, not on that stupid long plane, not my last night in LA, not even hugging my family. The tears just won’t come. This made my eyes glisten a little bit though and it reminds me that there is hope. As silly as it is; there is hope in tears to come. I miss you and I love you.

  2. dan snyder says:

    you’re so right…it’s okay. do you. prayers.

  3. Kacie Lynn says:

    WHO are you and WHAT made me lucky enough to have you in my life? This is perfect! Thank you for giving me permission to do what I’ve been doing without feeling guilty. I love you!

  4. Kacie's Dad says:

    Thank you, Stephanie. It is VERY rare to find such eloquent introspect. This really helps everyone… process. Again, Thanks!

  5. Jessica Robbins says:

    Thanks Steph. Beautifully explained. 🙂

  6. Anna says:

    I have been following you since your “Holy Spirit” blog on the World Race site, and I gotta say…every single post has been a blessing. thank you for being you, and for sharing your journey with us.

  7. Amanda says:

    Thank you Steph… I really needed this tonight.

  8. My bedroom looks similar to yours…another WR alum in process. No shame. 🙂 Thank you!

  9. Penny Watkins says:

    I love my Lipstick Gospel journalist. You have put into words what I have been feeling, for my Emily, and for all WRacers coming back and needing to process…..Where you have been, what you have seen and felt. The sadness and joy of being with and loving your ministry, living with and loving your host famiies……then there is your WR family. Like in any family, there is a love/would you please “get out of my face” relationship. Our take on you coming home has been, go ahead, process….we’re waiting! Love and prayers to you and may God Bless You. mama penny

  10. Thank you for this, my son arrives home tomorrow (Peter ‘Francis’) and I have posted your blog on my facebook wall and his. For those of us who stayed at home it will be hard to adjust to the ‘new creations’ you have all become. Your insightful message is so very timely for me.

  11. Mady Allen says:

    Hi! I JUST got done with my World Race Gap Year and this is comforting to read. It is still so surreal. Do you live in Colorado? If so, I do as well! Fort Collins! SO cool. Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing words that others can connect to.

  12. Mariah - J Squad says:

    My squad and I head home from the Race in 7 days…thank you for the encouraging words before I head home! Although I don’t think crying will be hard for me, (I literally cry every day ???? lol ????) I do appreciate your perspective from already being home and the challenges you’re facing with that. Thanks for writing!

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