It’s funny that just after finishing something called ‘The World Race,’ I feel like I’m racing now more than ever.
I came home calm and collected. I came home knowing that the greatest power, influence and strength comes out of a restful heart. A heart that knows who she is, what she’s worth and Who’s sovereign hand she’s cuddled up into.
That was the word that I prayed for more than anything as I was heading home.
But as I got here, things just looked different.
I already told you that my first reaction upon my arrival was to become an unconscious zombie- only arising from the dead long enough for a burrito or some hummus. I was resigned to my couch, and comfortable there- understanding that my body needed physical rest among many other things.
But in the past few days, something has changed.
My world began swirling.
All of a sudden things began to happen that were far too important to miss.
All of a sudden one of my dear friends was getting married and one of my favorite cousins was moving into town. All of a sudden my grandmother’s here and my friends are planning fun things- and it’s just all too exciting and too important to forgo- especially when my alternative ‘social life’ is a gigantic leather couch.
And then, getting caught up in the pace of the whirlwind- I began trying to rush ahead in every part of my life- forgetting that my greatest strength comes out of a place of rest- not sprinting- not striving.
I began running ahead, throwing together details on my right and on my left like a party planner on too much Red Bull.
I’ve been getting FAR too little sleep, absolutely zero alone time, and yesterday (for the first time in a LONG time,) I didn’t spend a single moment alone with Jesus.
And this may not all seem like a big deal, but to me, it feels catastrophic.
It has been extremely hard for me not to buy into the lie that by exchanging resting for racing, I somehow ruined something. It’s been a gigantic challenge for me not to decide that somehow I have undone the progress that God and I made this year- or disappointed him in some deeply hurtful way.
And here I am, feeling like my body and my soul and my heart and my spirit are all functioning totally and wildly independently from each other- bumping into one another and competing over who gets to make the decisions around here.
I feel like I’m spread so thin in this moment- and in a season that’s so fragile on it’s own- that I am just not doing anything well.
I feel unintentional and disconnected from my friends, I feel like everyone in my life is getting half of my love and half of my attention, and in my flurry I’m forgetting that rest and love and peace is something that Jesus has sewn so deeply in me this year- and that that’s something that I can share with the people in my life.
I’m just not getting this right- at all.
And so with a few hours to myself, and a mess to clean up (in every sense,) I’m going to do what any logical woman would do.
I’m going to take a long shower and scrub away the mess with some eucalyptus body scrub.
I’m going to delight in something that I dreamt of for so long (during my many, many bucket showers) and take a deep and calming breath.
I’m going to wash off the expectations that I’ve put on myself and just bask in the moment of KNOWING (maybe not feeling), that Jesus is here. I’m going to let the water cleans me, but also the truth that He’s not disappointed in me or angry and that I haven’t failed catastrophically.
Today- in this very moment- I am going to slow down and allow my body, and my soul, and my heart, and my spirit to all come back together.
And together, wrapped in a brand new, fluffy white towel, we’re going to trade in racing for rest. Rest in truth, rest in strength, rest in comfort and rest in the fact that we don’t have to race-or strive- or perform- or be perfect, not now… not ever.