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The World Race

It’s ok/He’s SO good.

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I'm Stephanie May Wilson!

I'm an author and podcaster and my specialty is helping women navigate big decisions, life transitions — creating lives they love.

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Well, my reentry process took a turn for the weirder a few nights ago as I laid, my face close to my computer screen, and began to sob via Skype.

Big, fat, childlike tears were streaming down my face, and the only intelligible words I could choke out were “I just really miss Jesus!”

I can imagine that in that moment, Jesus laughed a little bit. Not a mean laugh, but a sweet, loving laugh. The kind you laugh at a child when you really love them. That's actually the response I got from the other end of Skype as well. A laugh of sweet understanding and then a perfectly fitting reminder of truth.
It blows my mind how easy some parts of this have been. My friends, my family, Colorado, the US, they’re all safe, squishy, homey landing places full of laughter and love and understanding.

I know that I’m in the vast minority when I say this- but I haven’t felt misunderstood once since arriving home.

I don’t feel like people are looking at me thinking “what happened to HER!?” and I don’t feel like people are saying infuriatingly insensitive things like, “Did you have a good vacation?”- completely missing the heart behind why I went.

Yet, this week I’ve been extremely uncomfortable. I’ve been itching and wiggling and whining like a little girl in ballet tights (always too tight and ALWAYS impossibly itchy).

I can’t figure out why Jesus feels so illusive and far away- I can’t figure out why life feels so flat and colorless and I can’t figure out why I, after a year to practice being perfect (yea right) can’t figure out how to fix these frustrating feelings!!

I keep forgetting that this feeling isn’t new. There were times on the race, and before it certainly, that Jesus felt close and times where I had to look a little harder and from a different vantage point to see His hand at work. But even though this is nothing new- it’s still completely disheartening.

But yesterday things changed. Maybe not completely- but they definitely shifted.

I woke up- super late and super crabby and immediately got a text.

It was from my sweet friend Chelsea who I spent the month with in Phuket, Thailand (a friend of mine from CU.)

She told me that another sweet friend of mine, Lacey (a World Race alum who was also in Thailand) was in town as well.

They drove up to see me and before I knew it, and before I had time to brush my hair really- we were sitting at a gigantic booth at Red Robin.
Lacey looked at me with sincerity and a hint of concern as she asked me an extremely pointed question.

“How are you?”

Without hesitation and without thinking- I began to word vomit all of my confusion and all of my struggles out onto those poor girls.

The running theme of the verbal explosion was “I just thought I’d do this better.”

They looked at me with total understanding- and said the words that I didn’t realize I so desperately needed to hear.

“It’s ok.”

They told me that it’s ok that I’m confused- and a weight was lifted from my shoulders.

They told me that it’s ok that I feel like I should be doing this better, because that’s a pretty common feeling- another weight was lifted.

They told me that it’s ok that I’m not doing this perfectly because nobody is expecting that of me- yet another weight.

By the end of the lunch, I literally felt like the weight of the world had been taken off of my shoulders.

And then it hit me.

Jesus was right there.

This may not be a season of butterflies and goosebumps. This may not be a season of feeling his presence right in the room with me. But this certainly is a season of him HARD at work in my life- knitting it together perfectly.

And yesterday- the perfection of His loving and intimate provision in my life was in the form of Lacey and Chelsea and two words. “It’s ok.”

I walked out of that lunch feeling free and joyful and finally released to be where I need to be- not where I think I should be.

And so today- whatever you’re going through, whatever feels weird and complicated and confusing- I’m going to tell you the same thing they told me.

It’s ok.

It’s ok to be where you are, it’s ok to allow other people into that- asking them to pray with you and talk you through it. It’s ok to not have it all together- nobody expects that of you. And it’s ok to really really need Jesus- it’s actually better that way.

And here’s the next thing- not that I want to tell you- but that I want to ask of you.

Chelsea and Lacey and I spent a long time comparing stories of the awesome ways God’s been working recently. They each have some pretty incredible and recent examples of how God’s shown up and provided in ways that they couldn’t have even predicted or thought to ask for.

And hearing those stories helped me appreciate His hand working in my life.

And so here’s what I want you to do. If you have a story of God providing something for you, giving you direction or encouragement or love in the moment that you just so desperately needed it, or any other way that He’s been working in your life lately… I’d love it if you left that story in a comment here.

I’d love it if this could be a place where we gather together to not only admit that we’re a bit of a mess- and find out that it’s perfectly to be in process- but also a place where we can come to celebrate and notice how good of a God we serve.

That’s my story today- I can’t wait to hear yours!

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  1. Tracy B says:

    So thankful that you have such precious friends to speak truth into your life!! What a gift! You asked for a story. I have one that seems maybe a little silly, but God recently provided an amazing place 2 minutes from my house for me to work out weekday mornings. The background is I have been a stay at home, homeschool mom for many years and have taken care of everyone else but me…and it really showed: overweight, tired, not sleeping and a bit grumpy! Now since May I’ve been working out in a group fitness class with other women, younger and older, with a super encouraging trainer. I’ve lost weight, am sleeping better, feeling better and am encouraged that I will be able to finish my race here on this earth strong and able to do the things God calls me to. I had been praying for more ways to connect with people outside my “Christian bubble” and this has given me a wonderful opportunity to get to know others as I sweat and chat with them 4 or 5 days a week. This may seem superficial in some ways, but it has been such a sweet gift from my Abba Daddy who cares about my heart. He is so very good!!

  2. Rachel W says:

    I love this story! Something similar happened to me a few weeks ago. I have been going through ‘growing pains’ in my faith — lots of growing, but goodness gracious, what a pain! — and I got to point where I was just running in circles feeling like I couldn’t get it right. That no matter how hard I worked to manipulate my feelings, I couldn’t make myself feel any better about my life, myself, or my relationship with God. And I was beating myself up about it! ‘Rachel, why aren’t you really trusting? Rachel, why aren’t you dying to read your Bible? Rachel, you really SHOULD work harder to do those things. Because you are responsible if you end up abandoning God.’ That’s the crap I listened to for like TWO WEEKS!

    Praise God, he had mercy on me and brought me to a meeting with one of my academic mentors (one of my dear old high school teachers!)… I’m sure He smiled when I was complaining about waking up early (and then of course, chastising myself for complaining in front of God)… Because when we sat down and started talking, Mrs. Micikas started sharing her faith journey for the past year… And LO and BEHOLD! She was coming out of learning the very thing that I needed, desperately, ridiculously needed to know: to hear that God has ordained my life, that He looked forward to the day that I would be born. That He wasn’t sorry He made me, that He actually rejoiced in me. That He wants to show me how He loves me, that He has planned all things to bring me into the blessed and good knowledge that He is my true Father, that He loves because and in spite of all I am. I don’t have to pray in certain words, I don’t need to censor myself before Him.

    And as she said, God my Father is either true ALL the time or true NONE of the time. So no more of this, ‘Maybe God got mad at me, and decided to leave me, because I’m really doing a crappy job.” No! God is my loving, caring, providing Father NO MATTER WHAT. And when Mrs. Micikas told me all that, I gave a little smile… and it gets bigger as I let that truth drip all around my messy, busy life that doesn’t go the way I want it to all the time. That’s the thing I want to remember: we were made to become like Jesus, but that is God’s work. We were reconciled so we could relate to God correctly, but that happened in Jesus, so I rely on him to perfect my prayers. I am acceptable. I am loved. And so are you.

    I love these stories and moments. God loves us! What a miracle!

  3. When my high school boyfriend and I were on the verge of breaking up (everyone knows the drama with your first real relationship that starts in high school, and you swear you both will get married, then you break up after a year or two), I felt devastated. I knew it wasn’t a healthy relationship, and that he just wasn’t the man God had for me. But I could FEEL myself falling out of love with him, and I could feel God slowly pulling me away from him, and it was like slowly pulling a bandaid off a fresh wound. And I was in full dramatic-teenage tears one night, begging God to let us stay together, and God was like Nope. Trust me, this is for the best. And so I told God
    “God, if we break up, I’m going to need You SO BAD.”
    And God is like That’s exactly what I want.
    And the biggest wave of comfort washed over me, and I called the boyfriend and explained it all to him, and we broke up, both in a very understanding state of mind.
    It was incredible.
    The next day my paster was preaching about how God wants to take care of us, and my favorite line was “One of God’s names is Comforter. And if life was comfortable, we wouldn’t need a Comforter.”
    SO GOOD!

    Also, this blog post is amazing, I love reading your writings! Always uplifting!

  4. Christy Z. says:

    Call me sometime lady! I e-mailed the squad my number. Would love to hear your heart + encourage you in this messy beautiful process! love you!

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