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I'm Stephanie May Wilson!

I'm an author and podcaster and my specialty is helping women navigate big decisions, life transitions — creating lives they love.

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Bittersweet - StephanieMayWilson.com

I sat in a pickup truck in the parking lot of my new local Starbucks. My phone was clutched to my ear, the voice of my best friend wafting through soothingly.

“How are you doing baby? How's the new job? How's life in the south?”

I opened my mouth to answer but before I could, a lump rose in my throat.

“It's good,” I answered. “It's good… and it's hard.”

Doing my best to swallow the lump, I took a deep breath. I began to describe my job and how excited I am and how perfectly it fits. I began to describe my warm, cozy home and how often my roommate and I laugh.

And then my voice caught again and tears began to fall.

“I'm so homesick,” I choked out. “I miss my family and my friends and my home more than I can even explain.”

I've been blindsided by grief. I just didn't see this coming! In a place deeper than I could have ever predicted, my heart is searing, missing my people and my house and MY Starbucks in a way that words can barely describe.

The newness of this season is so sweet- God has provided everything, down to the tiniest of details (a free couch, a free coffee table…). But all of the details in the world couldn't begin to replace what I left behind.

I've spent every weekend since I got home with two of my very best friends. We made it our mission to explore downtown Denver- finding wonderfully hipster coffee shops and new, hidden restaurants. At the end of each night, we'd spend the night at Michelle's house- Michelle graciously giving Kelsey and I her bed, opting instead for the couch. Each Sunday morning, I'd wake up next to Kels. We'd climb out of bed, padding down the hallway in borrowed socks to find Michelle, and to borrow some of her coffee.

It became our ritual, sometimes heading off to our own churches, sometimes going together, holding each other's hands as we faced the realities of our lives together.

Now that I'm in Georgia, I'm navigating the waters of a totally new place, a totally new life, while also painfully aware of the fact that my old life is still there, cozily waiting to envelop me, like an armchair by a fire.

Every day my mind zigs and zags between being so grateful and excited to be here- and literally swearing to myself that I'm going back home the second I'm able.

Maybe it's a delayed response to coming home from the World Race. Maybe I'm now experiencing the grief and culture shock and weirdness that I so strangely seemed to have evaded when I landed. Maybe it's the mourning that so many people go through as they graduate from college and step into the ‘real world'- it just showed up a few years late.

I don't know exactly what to call it, but I do know that it's exciting, and painful and confusing.

There are days when my brain feels like it's going to explode from an influx of names and ideas and new information. In many ways I feel like a zombie, my face pale, my heart even paler- not yet feeling like my soul has caught up with my body in our move to a whole new life.

But I know that this wont last. I know that this season is temporary and that before I know it, I'll be a creative machine, growing and learning and thriving. I know that God has brought me here with an incredibly specific purpose, and I'm so excited to get to dig deeply into that purpose, gleaning all I can from the wonderful people around me.

And I know that change is good. I know that change has the ability to open up our hearts, allowing God to move in and refine us to look more like Him. I know that it's when we're uncomfortable, when we're unsure and when the ground feels rocky and unsteady beneath our feet, that Jesus gets to show us just how much He loves us. I know that the hardest times in my life have also been the richest- the catalysts for the most dramatic and wonderful changes- and I know that this will be just that.

So this is what I'm prepared to do. I'm going to keep showing up- zombie as I may be- trusting that slowly but surely, my soul will catch up and that color will return to my face and to my heart. I'm going to keep showing up for the  change in my life, taking deep breaths and unclenching my fists- understanding that none of my heartaches have escaped the attention of my Heavenly Father. He hasn't missed a beat, or a detail, and no change will ever change the fact that He's good, and that He loves us.

“When life is sweet, say thank you and celebrate. When life is bitter, say thank you and grow.”

~Shauna Niequist 

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  1. Amanda says:

    Aw, Steph… my heart is breaking for you. I wish that I could wrap my arms around you so tight and just stand there with you. Know that you are missed just as much as you miss home. I’m encouraged by the truth that you are clinging to and proclaiming – and I’m instantly taken back to India where we were like, “whaaaat?” all the time. And what an absolutely beautiful and fruitful month we had together. I’m praying for peace and rest in your soul. You are an ‘all in’ woman, and the Lord is blessing you for your obedience.

    I love you so much Steph.

  2. Jesica says:

    Hello. You don’t know me, but I just wanted to tell you a couple things. In the few weeks that I have been enjoying your blog, I have been so encouraged. In a few ways we are similar. 8 months ago, Jesus asked me to follow Him and that included leaving my plan of college, my comfort, my school friends, church, family, and basically life for the past two years and come back home. I’ve been home for two months now and I still experience many of the things you write about. The grief, the pain, the uncertainty. See, I’m a planner. And the past two months have been the hardest for me because they haven’t had any kind of plans in them. Many times I feel so close to having multiple breakdowns because I am unsure of what my future holds and that scares me. But, if there is one thing I have learned in this brief time it is to learn to ignore fear and cling to the promises of our Mighty King. To trust the unknown, the future, tomorrow even. I know there is reason and purpose in me being brought back home, and I know it is a big one. I’m always learning to trust in EVERY area of life, not just the little one, but the big ones as well. All that leads me to say this, thank you for your encouraging, sweet words. Last night I made a prayer request to the King. I asked Him if He could place someone in my path that I couldn’t miss and be encouraged. And that someone was you. Thank you so much for your obedience to Christ, sharing your heart and your relentless spirit. I deeply appreciate it. (:

    • Stephanie says:

      Jesica, I am so so happy that Jesus used what he’s doing in me to encourage you!! I pray that you’re finding peace and rest and comfort in the best comforter of all. Keep stepping out- keep trusting him. 🙂 We’ll do it together.

  3. Hope Naomi says:

    …gah, love that quote from shauna. also this post.

    so far in my life the scariest/most sacrificial decisions have led to the best results. i trust the same is in store for you 🙂

  4. Jessica says:

    I’m sorry it’s so tough for you right now, Steph. It will get easier. It will. Keep taking those tiny steps forward. I’ll be there soon! Love you.

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