Love is blind.
Did you know that scientists have actually proven that to be true?
Studies show that feelings of love can actually suppress activity in the areas of your brain that control rational thought.
Can I get an ‘AMEN?’
Seriously- I’ve learned long ago that I just cannot, CANNOT be trusted when it comes to love- and I’m hoping I’m not the only one.
I begin with the best of intentions- discerning and locked like a vault- vowing to keep my affections to myself until I see proof that the person is for-real.
And if I’m honest, that just never lasts.
I have found myself in relationships that have spanned the gamut- from “I’m not actually sure I like you,” to “you’re ok when mixed with a dose of tequila.” Relationships that have varied from obviously dysfunctional to a more subtle, hidden disfunction. One sided relationships- with me landing on either side at various points- and relationships that for a million reasons, just weren’t going to work.
I’ve excused bad behavior, twisted average behavior, and sworn with all of my heart that he was going to come around.
And after years of confusion and lots and lots of tears, I finally came up with a solution that I thought would work.
“God- your will be done.”
In a desperate attempt at self-preservation, I called in the big guns. I needed help.
I figured that God is less likely to being blinded by the smile of a moderately nice man. That He might have a more objective point of view, and that maybe, if given the ‘go ahead’ that He would grab me by the ear, pulling me away from any man that shouldn’t be given access to my heart.
But you want to know the most frustrating thing? It didn’t help!
No matter how hard I’d pray, He wouldn’t blind me to the charms of my attractive coworker- He wouldn’t vacuum away my feelings for a good friend- He didn’t make the relationship and any trace of feelings disappear when I ask Him to, if it wasn’t ‘right.’
I guess I didn’t really want His will to be done- I wanted MY will to be done- and an insurance policy promising that I’d be medivac-ed out of any situation that was headed towards heartbreak.
And that’s just not what happened.
Instead, those relationships, and their rubble had to be picked through, just like anything else- slowly, meticulously and painfully.
God didn’t answer my prayers the way I wanted Him to, and I called Him ‘mean’ for it. I called Him ‘cruel,’ through my tears, accusing Him of not protecting me. I revoked my trust and my belief that He really loves me- swearing to never give it back.
And that’s how I know that God’s smarter than me. (I know- don’t laugh.)
Because just like any good parent, He’s let me learn lessons for myself. Instead of giving me the key to the test, He’s allowed me to get my hands dirty, finding out all of the ways that things DON’T work, before finding the golden way that they do. He’s let me discover a long list of things that I don’t want in a relationship, or in life- and the equally beautiful list of the things that I DO.
It’s because of these moments, those relationships, that heartache- that I can recognize what’s good- that I can understand what it looks like when He provides the things that I really DO need. It’s only through trial and lots of error that I can recognize His love and provision and what a perfect gift from Him really looks like.
So God, your will be done. For real this time. I trust you.
*Study done by University College London- http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/3804545.stm