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The Lipstick Gospel

Finding Peace in the Change.

I'm Stephanie May Wilson!

I'm an author and podcaster and my specialty is helping women navigate big decisions, life transitions — creating lives they love.

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I’ve found myself in a long season of fear and confusion and doubt and tears. I’ve found myself questioning everything from my ability to get up in the morning to my relationship, searching and crying out, wondering how I got to where I am today.

I’ve been overwhelmed by fear and doubt, worried that I’m going to somehow slip off of God’s grid and out of his love. I’ve been tearful and quick to anger, frustrated and sensitive.

I have a million questions about how this adult life is supposed to work- everything from paying your bills to staying in love, and none of it seems easy.

I’m resisting the change that’s happened in my life with everything in me, my thoughts a constant stream of what’s wrong and what doesn’t look like I thought it would.

I’m so unaccustomed to feeling so shaky, so nervous, so negative, that I’m constantly seeking a reason for my out-of-character behavior.

“It’s the day… it’s the weather… it’s the season… it’s my job. It’s my relationship… it’s my homesickness… it’s… it’s… it’s…”

But no matter the explanation, no matter how I try to excuse or explain away my thoughts and my fears, no matter how I try to do things differently, no excuse and no plan seem to be big enough for the breadth of change happening in my life these days.

 

It all changed in the matter of a few days… all of it. I moved to a new place, to a new community, to a new job. I began my life as an adult in a real way, struggling to pay my bills and to figure out how to be responsible. My friends are far away and so is my family. I’m very much alone. But I’m also not alone. There’s a whole new community here, a whole new set of personalities, of conflicts and of celebrations. I have a fantastic roommate and a wonderful boyfriend, both who love me more than I deserve. But even those relationships are strange and new too. They don’t feel comfortable- not always. They feel good and right, but at times I see this life through the lens of the eyes I used to have, and I wonder who they are and where they came from.

None of this life looks predictable, none of it looks like anything I ever imagined, and sometimes, in the most tender parts of the night, I wonder how I got here without a fight. I wonder how this life started and how I got so deep into it without freaking out or wondering.

But here I am, in a whole new life, and my heart is struggling to catch up.

There is no excuse for the way I’ve been feeling and acting- there’s no all-encompassing reason, nothing that explains it away with the wave of a hand.

This season is a deep, gut-wrenching season of change. It’s good and it’s beautiful, and in so many ways it’s a dream come true for me, but at the same time, it’s different. And my heart needs awhile to catch up.

I need some tears and a long sleep, someone patient enough to let me verbally process, and a hug. I need a moment to freak out and I need the Lord to come meet me in that, guiding me through, reminding me that he never left and never will.

I want to be grateful, to see the world for the pops of color and champagne toasts that it is. I want to notice the beauty of the south, the flavors of my Sumatra coffee and the feeling of being wrapped up in the world’s best hugs… and I can sometimes. But not always. I’m just not there yet.

I need a moment to be in process, and I’m deciding that that’s perfectly ok.

 

***

I woke up a few days after writing that, feeling peace for the first time. Several days of tears and lots and lots of prayer brought me to a place where my heart was able to take in a deep breath- finally.

I think that we resist change, each of us in our own way. We try to manipulate our emotions, convincing ourselves that we should feel different than we do. I try to maintain a constant, positive equilibrium, panicking when the pendulum swings a little too close to ‘discontent’.

We justify and apologize for the way that we feel, or at least I do, thinking that if I loved God just a little bit more, or was just a bit more obedient or faithful, or a little bit less emotional, that I could handle all of this change without batting an eye.

But it’s just not true.

I’ve learned more lessons than I know how to count in these last few weeks, hard lessons that have been nearly impossible to swallow. I’ve wrestled and cried, fought and questioned. I’ve stayed up at night and tossed and turned, waking up with puffy eyes and a tender heart.

But I’m glad that I did.

This weekend I had conversations with several friends where I was able to empathize and speak into places where they’re wrestling too. I was able to say, my heart raw from recent experience, that we’re enough, that the season we’re going through is beautiful even when it’s hard, and that however you’re feeling is normal and ok.

I’m learning to ride the waves of change with more peace and acceptance, offering myself grace when I respond with fear or resistance. I’m learning that change is a beautiful thing and it grows us and refines us, making us look more like Jesus.

But most of all I’ve learned that regardless of the season, what’s changing or staying the same, that God’s good. And that when we lay ourselves open to the things that he’s changing around and in us, that’s when we get to see his best work done.

I’ll have to learn this lesson again the next time my world is shaken up. But for today, rainy, lovely today, I’m going to rest in this peace, cozy and grateful.

 

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  1. Lacey says:

    Gosh Steph, it’s so familiar to read these words. It’s like you’ve been inside my life or something. And I keep coming to the same conclusion — I need to let myself be ok with where I am. It’s a harder battle than one would think. 😉 I wish…WISH…I could be there just to hug you!

  2. laceybastman says:

    Gosh Steph…it’s so familiar to read these words. It’s like you’ve been inside my life or something. I don’t have any answers, either. Except I keep coming to the same conclusion — that I need to just let myself be OK with where I am. I wish…WISH…I could be there, just to hug you!

    • Stephanie says:

      Lady, your words are music to my ears- even better than a hug. I think an email is in order. I want to hear about your life. You’re lovely. Thank you for being in my life. 🙂

  3. Jordan Abourjilie says:

    That is everything that I needed to read in this moment. Thank you so much for your honesty and vulnerability! My prayer is to begin to know that peace that only the Lord can bring. Thank you 🙂

  4. Ruth S. says:

    This. Speaks. My world has been turned totally upside down and shaken (in a good, hard way). But Jesus. He changes everything. I can just relax and let him take care of everything. He’s good like that.

    • Stephanie says:

      Ruth, you just made my day. You summed it up perfectly. “But Jesus.” That’s the twist in the whole thing… no matter how much our world is shaken. But Jesus… he changes everything.

  5. Emily A says:

    “I need a moment to freak out and I need the Lord to come meet me in that, guiding me through, reminding me that he never left and never will.” So true. This little nugget is right up my ally girl. Love this. Love you!

  6. Marie says:

    Hi Stephanie,
    I’ve been reading your blog for awhile now. I can totally relate to all these feelings. It’s funny because I think this is a kind of transitional time that most people go through but not many people vocalize. Its this hard confusing growing up phase that no one prepared us for..and its even more augmented when there’s so much change happening. For me it helps to remember that the growing pains are never for nothing, and that God embraces every bit of the suffering and transforms it into a more beautiful picture than we could imagine. Thanks so much for your honesty here. The hardest part for me is just being patient and kind to myself as I go through it…but even learning how to do that is such a valuable lesson for me. Thanks for your beautiful blog!! You’re one strong woman!

  7. Nicole Williams says:

    Isaiah 42:16:
    “I will lead you down a new path, guiding you along an unfamiliar way. I will brighten the darkness before you and smooth out the road ahead of you. Yes, I will indeed do these things. I will not forsake you.”

  8. Laura Robb says:

    Wow, I definitely needed to read these words today. Thank you for sharing. Some days I feel like I’m not “normal” because I just can’t catch up with everything in life. Today was one and I so appreciate the reminder that Jesus is right there in the midst of change. May He continue to fill you with peace.

  9. Wow, I definitely needed to read these words today. Thank you for sharing. Some days I feel like I’m not “normal” because I just can’t catch up with everything in life. Today was one and I so appreciate the reminder that Jesus is right there in the midst of change. May He continue to fill you with peace.

    • Stephanie says:

      ‘normal’ is such a scary word. It’s so easy to feel like we deviate from whatever that is. Jesus IS in the change with us, and he’s the giver of our peace. We just need to stick with him. 🙂 Thank you for reading Laura!

  10. sethbarnes says:

    You look like you’re doing good to me, Stephanie. Just keep hanging on and processing as well as you do. You’re not missing anything.

  11. Elizabeth Huff says:

    Wow Steph…this is almost cookie cutter of the way I have felt the past week and things that I have been thinking..thank you for the encouragement! It is comforting to know that someone else feels the same way..and has seen some light at the end of the tunnel 🙂 miss you friend and hope that God continues to reveal more of his character to you through the testing and trials!! This verse encouraged me today–Psalm 66:10-12. Love u!

    Elizabeth

    • Stephanie says:

      Elizabeth!! I’m so glad that neither of us are alone. There is light at the end of the tunnel- even when we can’t see it. I miss you and I hope that you are doing well. Thank you so much for reading. 🙂

  12. Megan K says:

    Stephanie, I LOVE when you said, “but at times I see this life through the lens of the eyes I used to have.” I related so much to that! I’m constantly praying to see the world through my new eyes, not through the eyes of my past. Love it! Thank you so much for sharing!

    • Stephanie says:

      Megan,
      Thank you so much for reading! I need to be praying that too… it’s funny how sometimes our eyes lag behind our circumstances. Praying for new eyes for both of us!

  13. Louise says:

    This struck such a chord with me as I too hate change. I started a new job in a new city in September, but luckily the transition was smooth and I ended up with wonderful flatmates who are such a support to me. I know that when the lease runs out in June I will find it very hard, as I am am enjoying my experience here with them so much and don’t want it to end!

  14. […] the midst of one of the most confusing times I’ve felt in a long time, a time full of anxiety and questions, I knew that what I needed more […]

  15. […] is a new season- full of new tastes and smells and luxuries and challenges. Just like each month of the race. Just […]

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