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The Lipstick Gospel

Tonight, Jesus wasn’t a given.

I'm Stephanie May Wilson!

I'm an author and podcaster and my specialty is helping women navigate big decisions, life transitions — creating lives they love.

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The question I've been seeking to answer for the past six months is this: you've met Jesus- now what?


You're a Christian, now what were you made to do in the kingdom of God? What lights your heart on fire? What story are you writing with your life? Could you be telling a better one?


I work for a Christian organization, I have mostly Christian friends, my boyfriend is a Christian, my family are Christians, Christianity has become this ‘given' in my life.


It’s less of a novelty, less of a topic of conversation and more the undergirding to my life. “Yeah, yeah, yeah- I love Jesus. Now lets talk about the real stuff – what do you do with that?”


But what I realized tonight was that Jesus isn't a given. Not for everybody. And he wasn’t always a given for me.


I am given a lot of flack for the fact that I'm the worst movie watcher in the world. If it starts after 8:30, I'm sure to fall asleep. I never want to see anything new, preferring to stick to my old standbys because that way I know what I'm walking away with. During the Oscars I accidentally confused Argo with Fargo, not having seen either movie ­– leaving my boyfriend, Carl, shaking his head in dismay.


I like movies to make me feel the way I love to feel- positive, inspired, like the world is a beautiful, hopeful place. And since entirely happy stories don't make for very good stories, I haven't seen very many movies.


Tonight was date night and so Carl and I decided to pick out a movie to rent. I tried to talk him into a few repeats, having finally just accepted When Harry met Sally into my repertoire, but was unsuccessful.

Tonight, Jesus Wasn't A Given - The Lipstick Gospel


We picked ‘Flight' and because I thought it was a movie about a pilot, I thought my emotions would be pretty safe from any movie induced rattling.


I was wrong.


Over the next two hours I watched a story unfold about deep drug and alcohol addiction. I watched a man lie and cheat and make mistakes over and over again. I watched him ruin his relationships with his family and wake up in a hospital room alone. I watched his life unravel completely and understood fully how a person could get there. I was no longer a spectator, I was involved, making the decisions with him, and feeling the weight of their consequences (apparently the mark of a really good movie).

Tonight, Jesus Wasn't A Given - The Lipstick Gospel


But it also brushed a little too close to home.


As I watched him drink and drink and drink, I could smell the stench of the stale alcohol, memories of my own days of constant binge drinking flooding to mind.


I remember holding trashcans for friends as they threw up everything in their stomachs. I remember sitting by the toilet with people I didn't even know, rubbing their backs as we waited for the ambulance to come. I remember finding that kid barely conscious in the parking lot, having fallen out of his car into his own vomit on a sunny Sunday afternoon. I remember the look on his friend’s face as he was put onto a stretcher and taken away.


But it wasn’t just other people, it was me too. In college, binge drinking was what we did. It wasn’t a problem but rather a party trick – one with heavy consequences. I remember mornings where I was so hung over I couldn’t move. I remember waking up with no memory and with bruises I couldn't identify. I remember throwing up. I remember my own night with alcohol poisoning and how my friends saved my life.


And as I watched the movie, I got to see darkness deeper and more hideous than I had cared to remember. It felt completely hopeless.

Tonight, Jesus Wasn't A Given - The Lipstick Gospel


After the movie I was quiet for several minutes, and then I began to cry. It wasn't a delicate cry, but a deep, gut-wrenching sob.


It felt like my blinders had been ripped off and I could all of a sudden see things that I’d forgotten about, and things that just don’t cross my line of sight these days. I’d forgotten how deep the despair in our world can get, and I’d forgotten that I’d ever spent time sitting in it.


Carl didn’t try to keep me from crying, didn’t ask any questions. He just pulled me in close and began to pray.


As he prayed for me- a soothing, sweet, reminder of a prayer- things started coming back to me.


Jesus, the cross, hope.

Tonight, Jesus Wasn't A Given - The Lipstick Gospel


Tonight, ‘pretty’ was washed away. Tonight, for a while, I completely forgot that beauty exists. I writhed and sobbed with the pain I’d just witnessed and the pain it reminded me of- and it was a deeply healing moment to realize that Jesus exists for pain just like that.


Tonight, Jesus wasn't a given, because he's not. Redemption and hope and joy are nice sounding words that feel very far removed from the messed up parts of our world. Jesus seems like a nice idea or a cheesy band aid- complete with a sing-along album. It sometimes feels impossible that there's any match for the darkness in our world.


But I know better. I know that Jesus is so much more than a quick fix or a bandage. I know from experience that when we are in a relationship with god that he can actually change and heal the broken pieces inside of us.


I have proof.


I am proof.


God changes us. He takes our addiction, insecurity, selfishness, hatefulness, he takes our bad decisions and our past and the things that we can’t even forgive ourselves for doing – and he makes them new.


He literally takes the ashes of our lives and makes something beautiful out of them.

Tonight, Jesus Wasn't A Given - The Lipstick Gospel


I don’t know how he does it exactly, but I know that he does. I know because I’ve seen it.


In my life, Jesus is a given. He’s the undergirding of everything I do and everything I am. But he wasn’t always a given, and my life wasn’t always full of hope and beauty and joy. And tonight I remember that more clearly than I have in a long time. And I'm grateful.


Jesus changed everything – and I'm filled with deep love for the God who really does make all things new.


What has God transformed in your life? Have you let him into the deepest places of your ashes?


(Carl – I promise I'm not going to cry that hard at every movie we watch…)

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  1. Wow, your story is so honest in showing that life isn’t always easy for Christians but we have the hope of Jesus to guide us. God has led me out of dark places as well, I used to have horrible anxiety problems to the point where I feared sleeping because I was certain I was going to die each night but the closer I got to Jesus the more I am able to relax and know that He is always with me and I am never alone.

  2. SoniaLeticia says:

    Oh my goodness. I just teared up. This is so raw and so sobering.
    Thanks for this!

    -Sonia

  3. Lacey says:

    Beautiful, Steph.

  4. Nancy says:

    As usual, you have taken a risk opening yourself up to let others see that you aren’t perfect. You are a survivor. Your experiences and how you share them with others helps your readers to forgive themselves for their pasts. Thanks for sharing.

  5. What a beautiful post and one that touched me deeply. You write with such authenticity Stephanie. I love it. I was an adulteress and a vagabond. I ran from my problems rather than facing them. I covered them up with nights on the town and days wasted asleep. My kids suffered, my marriage suffered, and I suffered. Then God began to woo me. He loved me to repentance and then He healed my broken places. The cracks are still visible. The amazing part is they don’t hurt anymore. Now they are badges of God’s faithfulness and His loving kindness. Jesus not only saved me, he is making me into something new and clean. I still have plenty of hang ups. but as I surrender more and more to him, he does bigger and better things in my heart. He is so good! Thank you for sharing this amazing gift of story telling Stephanie. It makes a difference.

    • Stephanie says:

      Dayna,
      Thank you so much for sharing this. I had no idea that these things were a part of your story. It’s so good to get to see where you came from and the woman that you’re coming into. God is so good and so faithful. You are such an encouragement and an inspiration. I’m honored to know a woman as lovely as you.

  6. Loved this, Steph. Even though it’s hard, it’s good to remember some of the ugliness He’s redeemed.

  7. You know, I’ve never had an addiction or struggle with alcohol in particular, but when I watched the movie, “Flight” I found myself for most of the story completely uncomfortable….and I felt that hopelessness as well.

    In my short 31 years of life I’ve been to some dark places…I sacrificed my ministry and my marriage for my best friends wife that I eventually married. Three years later she left me for another man. I’ve made really crappy selfish decisions in my life and I’ve hurt a lot of people. For a long time, I really just existed. I found it hard to reconcile what I had done willingly…and I was adamant about not accepting Christs forgiveness for what I had done…I just felt like I didn’t deserve it.

    But I’m grateful to say that God was there for me in the midst of my pain…He was there when I had given up all hope…and He used the last person I ever expected to show me the realities of grace and love. Imagine my surprise when in the midst of my second divorce, my best friend whose friendship and marriage I had betrayed and destroyed, came to me with open arms. He hugged my neck and told me he loved me and forgave me and wanted to be there for me….I just couldn’t believe it. It was truly the beginning of restoration for me and I’ve never been the same since. Though I had pushed Him away a thousand times God proved that He was relentless in His pursuit of my heart and I am so grateful.

    When I look at my past now, I see how God has used those experiences to shape the man I am today…and you know what? He has not wasted anything. All the mistakes of my past, all the pain, screams, and tears…God has used it all for His glory and wasted absolutely nothing.

    Thank you for you honesty, Stephanie…and remember that God is using your past for His glory, and wasting none of it. He’s using your past to shape you into the woman you are today, and He’s using that transformation to reach others and to give them hope in Him.

    When you sit down and really think about it, it’s truly a beautiful thing.

  8. You know, I’ve never had an addiction or struggle with alcohol in particular, but when I watched the movie, “Flight” I found myself for most of the story completely uncomfortable….and I felt that hopelessness as well.

    In my short 31 years of life I’ve been to some dark places…I sacrificed my ministry and my marriage for my best friends wife that I eventually married. Three years later she left me for another man. I’ve made really crappy selfish decisions in my life and I’ve hurt a lot of people. For a long time, I really just existed. I found it hard to reconcile what I had done willingly…and I was adamant about not accepting Christs forgiveness for what I had done…I just felt like I didn’t deserve it.

    But I’m grateful to say that God was there for me in the midst of my pain…He was there when I had given up all hope…and He used the last person I ever expected to show me the realities of grace and love. Imagine my surprise when in the midst of my second divorce, my best friend whose friendship and marriage I had betrayed and destroyed, came to me with open arms. He hugged my neck and told me he loved me and forgave me and wanted to be there for me….I just couldn’t believe it. It was truly the beginning of restoration for me and I’ve never been the same since. Though I had pushed Him away a thousand times God proved that He was relentless in His pursuit of my heart and I am so grateful.

    When I look at my past now, I see how God has used those experiences to shape the man I am today…and you know what? He has not wasted anything. All the mistakes of my past, all the pain, screams, and tears…God has used it all for His glory and wasted absolutely nothing.

    Thank you for you honesty, Stephanie…and remember that God is using your past for His glory and wasting none of it. He’s using your past to shape you into the woman you are today, and He’s using that transformation to reach others and to give them hope in Him.

    When you sit down and really think about it, it’s truly a beautiful thing.

    • Stephanie says:

      Wow, Jeremy, this is an incredible story. Thank you so much for sharing it with me. I feel truly honored. I’m SO glad that you’ve gotten to see God’s love and restoration and redemption. And it’s so good to look back on my own life and see where he made things completely new. He’s so good like that. Thank you again for sharing your story. This is going to stick with me for a long time. I’m honored.

  9. Hope Naomi says:

    “I am proof” – chills.

  10. Taylor says:

    Thank you for posting this. I’m sitting in the middle of my international econ class and trying to keep the tears from falling down my face. This came at the most perfect time, as I have been messing up my life recently and just yesterday fell at the foot of the cross because I cannot live like that anymore. Your post reminded me that Jesus isnt a given and how lucky I am that he chose me. But also, that it isn’t too late for me to change. I have hope. Thank you so much

  11. Dawn Muench says:

    Beautiful stuff. Hard stuff. Beautiful hard stuff. When you are discouraged, reread the comments here- He DOES make all things new and WILL redeem the years we think we’re wasted:)

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