And get 4 in-depth workshops for 4 of life's biggest decisions

Pre-order a copy of my new book

A $400 value FREE when you pre-order Create A Life You Love.

motherhood

Do I want to be a mom? And if so, when should we start trying?

home

Where do I want to live?

marriage

Are they "the one" & are we ready for marriage?

career

What are my next career steps?

the Everything Era Survival Kit

4 in-depth workshops for 4 of life's biggest decisions

pre-order today!

The Lipstick Gospel

“Get To The Gym… This Is Not Okay.”

I'm Stephanie May Wilson!

I'm an author and podcaster and my specialty is helping women navigate big decisions, life transitions — creating lives they love.

hey there

The beginning of the story

get a copy

Get my new book!

Girls Night Podcast

Navigating big decisions & life transitions — one girls night at a time!

TOp categories

The Gift Shop

Matching shirts and meaningful gifts for best friends.

Books & Courses

Books, courses, workbooks, and guides to help you create a life you love.

Create A Life You Love: Comes out on April 30th!

I once walked into a friend’s room looking for the hairbrush she had mentioned—next to the door on her desk. As I walked over to borrow it, her mirror caught my eye. Not the mirror itself, but the big black writing that covered it…

“You’re fat and disgusting. Stop eating. Get to the gym. This is NOT okay!”


I stepped back in shock—almost running into the bedpost I didn’t realize was behind me. My eyes took in the words one more time as my stomach flipped over. I felt woozy with the assault of those hate-filled words she had written about herself: “You’re disgusting. This is NOT okay.”


We live in a world that values the perfection of self above almost anything else. If you go to a bookstore, you can get lost for hours in the aisles of publications that whisper loudly that you’re not good enough, that promise to make you “perfect”—a different version of yourself—better.


“Look better naked.”
“3 Minutes to flat abs.”
“Why losing your butt may mean losing your man.”
“The Girlfriend Habit he’ll love you more for.”
“Beauty tips to move your career forward.”



We can’t open our eyes without seeing the message plastered all around us, “you’re not good enough. This is not ok. You have to change.”


And these messages don’t just come from the outside. We start to adopt them as our inner monologue, repeating mantras and admonishments to ourselves like a broken record—skipping over and over. We think that maybe if we hold a “realistic” view of ourselves, we can beat our imperfect selves into submission.


We start to believe that if we could be better, we’d be happy. Or if we looked different, he never would have left.


Instead of standing in solidarity with the body, mind, soul, and life we live inside, we face off against it, treating ourselves as the enemy—as the one standing in the way of our happiness. These external messages are devastating, leaving us feeling small and insignificant or huge and undesirable as we drag ourselves out of the bookstore, vowing to change.


But the internal messages are worse.


Once those words and ideas and the list of “failures” become part of our own inner monologue, we’ve started to believe them. It’s no longer external, an idea, something we can fight. It’s internal—we believe the black words scrawled across our tenderest parts and believe that they tell the truth about who we are.


My heart broke as I read that mirror, because I knew how she felt as she was writing them.


Earlier that year I sat in a Starbucks with a notebook—scratching out a love letter to myself through my tears—a love letter that I didn’t believe a word of. My mind was a scratched record, hissing lie after lie into my ears and my heart. The lies said I was ugly and fat and undesirable and annoying and way too sensitive. I wasn’t good enough and was far too much to handle, all in one breath. I wanted out. I wanted to distance myself from the person that felt so hated by the world around her. I agreed with them. I hated her too. But barring some really scary ideas, I couldn’t quit my own team.


“I’m stuck with you,” I thought at myself.


And so for lack of a better option, in one tiny, barely perceptible effort, I tried to rejoin her team. I tried to like her, to make a peace offering—waving a white flag and moving towards the person that I had wished would just disappear. And very slowly things began to change.


What feels like a million years later, I’m firmly back on my own team. I love myself and know who I am, what I’m worth and why I matter—most of the time. But that doesn’t mean that the lies leave me alone. If my jeans are a little too tight, I’m tempted to berate my “fat” self. If I can’t get everything done in one day, I’m tempted to call myself a failure. If I have a moment of insecurity or doubt, I’m tempted to write myself off as needy and not worth the effort.


But just like that day in the Starbucks, I’m learning slowly to be kind—to treat myself like I’d treat a best friend, with love and respect and the benefit of the doubt. I’m not an exception to my kindness. I’m the one who sets the standard.


What messages are you speaking to yourself? Is it time to set a new standard of kindness? 


Originally featured on Darling Magazine. 

+ show Comments

- Hide Comments

add a comment

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

  1. Diana says:

    Wow, Stephanie words cannot describe how deep this has touched me… needed to hear this today… Thanks for writing and capturing truths of life so honestly and tenderly.

  2. Diana says:

    Reblogged this on The Simple Writings and commented:
    A wonderful blog post capturing the battle that many of us woman face. Stephanie writes with transparency honesty and with a beautiful delicate balance. Take heart friends and know you are not alone.
    Blessings.

  3. Christy says:

    this is awesome Steph. such a rich word!

  4. Teresa Williamson says:

    So true! The power of life and death is in the
    Tongue! Thanks for speaking to this
    Issue. When a woman walks with self
    Confidence and an easy self acceptance,
    It does not matter what size she is, she is
    Positively and embraces her own charisma. But all these attributes are an inside job!
    Thanks Stephanie for sharing your intentional
    Inner healing. Honesty rocks!

  5. Nancy says:

    I remember when I was in college and was on birth control and gained weight for the first time in my life. I was swimming then and as I was kicking with a kick board, I would say to myself “I’m so fat, I’m so fat”. It was horrible! Today, I’m on an antidepressant that is known for its side effect of weight gain. I have once again gained more than ever. I get on the scale and cringe as I see the numbers going up and up. I’m going to Mexico and am so upset that others will be able to see my increased waistline. The thing is that everyone tells me that I look great so it’s not realistic feeling this way about myself. I’m so glad to have read your blog. It really hit home!

  6. […] have trouble loving myself, and I think that’s a problem that many women struggle with, but I have enough perspective to realize that the super-skinny, fit gals at the gym might be there […]

  7. Julia says:

    {{{“And these messages don’t just come from the outside. We start to adopt them as our inner monologue, repeating mantras and admonishments to ourselves like a broken record—skipping over and over. We think that maybe if we hold a “realistic” view of ourselves, we can beat our imperfect selves into submission.

    We start to believe that if we could be better, we’d be happy. Or if we looked different, he never would have left.

    Instead of standing in solidarity with the body, mind, soul, and life we live inside, we face off against it, treating ourselves as the enemy—as the one standing in the way of our happiness. These external messages are devastating, leaving us feeling small and insignificant or huge and undesirable as we drag ourselves out of the bookstore, vowing to change.

    But the internal messages are worse.”}}}

    YES. Thank you!

  8. […] Article: “Get To The Gym…This is Not Okay”. […]

Sign up for my newsletter and get weekly emails with stories, resources, updates (and discounts!) you won't find anywhere else. 

Get on the list,
and never miss a thing!

    Let's be friends!