Disclaimer:
What follows isn’t the full story about our marriages. The following is specific to the things that are difficult, frustrating, or confusing about being a newlywed. If you’re not married and you’re reading this, I don’t want you for a second to believe that this is the end of the story on marriage. Please trust us that for every tricky, unfamiliar, hard to navigate thing about our marriages, there are 10 bazillion beautiful, incredible, amazing things about them.
Now… that said…
A few years back was one of the hardest weeks of Carl’s and my marriage.
I liked to believe that my husband and I were good fighters. We had a conflict, addressed it immediately, talked through it, figured out what went wrong, and decided together what we were going to do differently next time.
It was a well-oiled machine. Or so I thought.
Walking on Eggshells
But that week was different. That week we had been extra sensitive, extra insensitive, graceless, slow to forgive, nit-picky, and frustrated by pretty much everything.
We moved into a new house that week—battered from the craziness of the last several months, and totally sleep deprived. We were running on adrenaline and frequent trips to Starbucks. But as soon as the movers left, our family left, and as we stood in the middle of our living room surrounded by boxes, we started to fall apart.
A cocktail of exhaustion, and stress, and being annoyed that all of our earthly possessions were stirred up and put in boxes for us to excavate, we started to fight. They were little fights at first, both of us feeling inconvenienced by the turbulence in our life, and therefore each other. But they started to stack up.
We were unpacking our clothes and organizing our closet one night when Carl got frustrated that I hadn’t left more room for him to put his things. (Closets: The classic marital struggle.) But instead of patiently asking me for more space, he got frustrated. And instead of just apologizing and moving my things over a few inches, I got mad at his frustration. Before we knew it, we were both far more angry than the situation called for. But standing on a week of unresolved disagreements, neither of us wanted to back down.
We left the weekend feeling disconnected and walking on eggshells. We felt like ticking time bombs, waiting for whatever it was that was going to set us off next.
Marriage Can Be Really Hard
That was the first week we thought, “Marriage is actually really hard! Living with you is kind of hard if we’re going to be honest here.”
The worst part about it was that I didn’t want to tell anyone. I didn’t want to tell anyone that we were anything but totally happy 100% of the time. It’s scary to tell people you’re not doing well.
Somehow you can say, “I’m not doing well,” about yourself, about your health, about your job, about anything else in your life and nobody’s going to freak out.
But when it comes to your marriage if you say, “we’re not doing well,” it instantly sounds like you're on the brink of divorce.
So I sat in it. I didn’t want to tell my friends, or my mom, or any of the wonderful people I trust so much in my life, because I didn’t want them to worry. I didn’t want them to worry because I was kind of worried. Not about divorce, but about what changed to make us this bicker-y mess all of a sudden. I worried we wouldn’t be able to figure out how to change back.
One of my best friends called me mid-worry and asked me the question I dreaded, “How are you?”
“Are you sitting down?” I asked her dramatically. “Something’s going on, and I just need to have someone know.”
I proceeded to tell her that we’ve been bickering a lot. That we’ve been getting in fights and not being able to resolve them. We’ve been going to bed mad, going to bed disconnected, staying irritated for far longer than we ever have before.
“Do you think there’s something wrong with us?” I half whispered.
She paused, and then she laughed.
She laughed and then in almost the exact same words I’d used, repeated back to me what has been going on in their marriage. They’ve been fighting too.
“Steph, I think it’s just part of it,” she told me. “We’ve never done this before, our husbands have never done this before. Nobody has a manual for how to be married, and nobody is perfect. We’re all trying to figure this out day by day and sometimes mashing your life together with someone else’s is hard and incredibly frustrating. But this is so normal. Everyone with an opinion or even a pulse who’s ever gotten married has been through this. You are not alone.”
Those last words rang in my ears for the rest of the day.
“You are not alone,” I am not alone. Carl and I are not alone in what we we’re going through and what we we’re experiencing. We were not the only newlyweds to fight or disagree or butt heads about totally stupid things like how much space we take up in the closet.
As we hung up the phone, I felt like I could breathe for the first time in days.
Nobody's Marriage is Perfect
I am not for a second going to pretend to be a marriage expert. But, this is what I know to be true: Nobody’s marriage is as perfect as you think it is.
Everyone has struggles, frustrations, and battles they’re fighting. Everyone has things to work through, and things they haven’t worked through yet.
You are not alone.
That’s the kindest thing we can ever say to one another, and so that’s what I want us to tell each other today. In the comments, I’m going to ask you to share the thing about your marriage that you don’t have figured out, the thing you’re ashamed to admit because you feel like you’re the only couple who doesn’t have it all together.
Let’s be honest, and give each other the permission and the courage to do the same. Because honesty is like a stab to the heart of comparison and isolation, and I think we could all use that today.
I’ll get us started:
This is a compilation of confessions I've heard from my newly married friends, mine are included:
1. We don’t have sex as often as I think we should
2. I don’t want to have sex as often as I thought I would
3. We bicker about the stupidest things — how to clean dishes, where things go in the house, sometimes I feel like there’s nothing we won’t fight about.
4. When my husband is in a bad mood, it puts me in a really bad mood. I try not to let it affect me, but that’s something that’s been really hard about marriage so far: Our moods affect each other.
5. Our money is all in one account now, and I feel really weird spending it. I feel like I’m spending his money, or like I’m not allowed to spend money, or shouldn’t. Which is stupid because some of what’s in our account comes from my paychecks!
6. I keep score. Constantly. I keep track of how hard he’s working vs. how hard I’m working, what he’s done for the house or for our lives together, vs. what I’ve done for our house or lives together. Sometimes I even count how many times I’ve made dinner that week, and feel resentful when I feel like he isn’t doing as much. It’s exhausting. I know I shouldn’t do this.
7. Sometimes I really just don’t want to be around him. It’s not him, it’s the fact that I really like my alone time — much more than I ever realized. But I don’t want to offend him by telling him I need more space.
8. Marriage is harder than I thought it would be. I hate to say that, but it’s true. I was prepared for all of the fun parts of it, but it has a lot more real life to it than I ever realized.
9. Sometimes I worry that we’re not Christian enough. We're a Christian couple, but I look at other Christian couples and worry that we’re not doing what they’re doing. Are we reading the Bible together enough? Praying together enough? Are we supposed to be reading the Bible together?
10. People always say to keep dating after you’re married, but it’s really hard. We don’t have much money and we have even less time. At the end of the day, we just come home and pass out. And I worry our relationship is going to suffer because of a lack of romance.
11. The Bible tells me to submit to my husband, but I have no idea what that even means, let alone how to do that.
I’d love to hear your newlywed confessions in the comments below. None of us are perfect, and it’s time we all knew that. Are you ready to dive in?
(Feel free to change your name as you fill out the comment form. I’m the only one who will see your email address, and I won’t share it with anyone. I would just love for everyone to get to be honest without worrying about who will see it.)
And one last reminder for my sweet newlyweds:
You’re not broken, you’re not messed up, you’re not failing. You’ve entered into something strange, and beautiful and bigger than anything you’ve ever done before. You’ve decided to forever connect your life to the life of another person, and you’ve committed to love them forever, no matter what.
And on top of that, you are human, which means not an ounce of this will be perfect. But it will certainly be beautiful.
P.S. If you could use some advice or encouragement as you navigate newlywed life, check out this podcast episode!
P.P.S. If you're looking for even more advice on how to have a thriving marriage, here are a couple more episodes to check out:
Girls Night #53: How to Increase Intimacy and Romance in Your Marriage
Girls Night #12: A Married Gal's Guide to Great Sex
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Thank you for posting this, Stephanie! Marriage is one of the most intimate aspects of our life but, can simultaneously, feel the most lonely when we try to handle our struggles in isolation. Thank you for welcoming us into the reminder that we aren’t alone.
My marriage confession: My husband is currently in nursing school, which is obviously made-up primarily of females, and I find myself consistently riddled with comparison and insecurities. Are these other girls prettier than me? Wittier? Less emotional? More put together? Always thinking how unfair it is that they get to spend more time with him than I do because of the time demand of class. It is a hard place to be in for both me and my husband but I am grateful for the reminder that you gave me!
Xoxo
Thank you for this article. It was such a huge relief to me to read that it’s normal to fight sometimes that I cried. I think he and I have been thinking there’s something wrong with us for fighting. Don’t get me wrong– we could fight in a better more productive, Christlike way. It’s just good to hear we might have a chance.
I understand a little of this comment. A lot of our fights result from my insecurities. He doesn’t want to tell me I’m beautiful because he doesn’t want me to think that’s all he cares about. I’ve tried to explain that many women need to hear from their husbands that they think they’re beautiful. Random men who are strangers regularly tell me, “You’re really beautiful!” But I long to hear it more from my husband. He is a physician and sometimes the receptionists at the offices he has to work at dress extremely provocatively (tight mini dresses). Also, he loves going to the gym, beach, pools, and hot tubs and doesn’t wear his wedding ring sometimes. Those are his favorite things to do with or without me. There are lots of women in bikinis or women in sports bras and boogie shorts working out at those gyms. I get insecure also because he’s not very expressive towards me and always wants to be doing those things. He thinks it doesn’t matter whether or not he’s wearing a wedding ring. He gets angry with me for getting insecure. He thinks I’m crazy and unreasonable. Maybe I am, but I can imagine maybe there are other women who would be uncomfortable with their husbands going hot tubbing without them without a wedding ring on. I know he doesn’t talk to anyone, so that doesn’t worry me. He’s very antisocial. And he’s told me he never desires any other woman or has thoughts if anyone else, but a couple of times he has stared at a beautiful woman in front of me, and we’ve fought about it. I guess what bothers me most is that he doesn’t seem to care about my feelings or being cautious to protect the marriage. Then again since we’ve fought about those things he has been somewhat more careful. But I’m not allowed to go to the gym with him because I get insecure when it looks like he’s looking at a scantily clad attractive woman. So now it’s even worse in that he’ll spend hours there every day without me. I know I need to get over my insecurities, fears, and jealousies. At the same time, I wish he could see how his words and actions affect me too–him refusing to tell me I’m beautiful when I get ready. He’s so prideful. And him promising to not go to hot tubs without me then still going and giving some explanation and then telling me I’m so crazy and unreasonable. Then going without his wedding ring sometimes and getting mad at me for not trusting him enough. I know he needs my trust. I’ve tried to explain to him that trust is built by keeping your word, but he thinks words don’t matter at all. Sometimes I feel like I made a bi mistake marrying him. The other part of me knows I have insecurities to overcome and they would be a problem with anyone. He doesn’t have any female friends, (or male for that matter), and he doesn’t keep in touch with any women personally, so that is reassuring. He thinks I’m shallow for wanting to be beautiful. He doesn’t understand the pressure women are under. He is a good man. He just has a really hard time seeing from my perspective or from a woman’s perspective. Some men seem to understand this. I don’t know why others don’t.
Also, I want intimacy more than I thought I would, and more than he does. That makes it even harder to feel attractive to him. I have a much stronger drive and would have it 2-5 times a day if I could, so I almost never feel satisfied.
I have that same struggle Jessica. & we get in fights frequently because of my insecurities and unwillingness to trust my husband
My marriage has the same problem. I have a lot of fights with my husband due to my insecurities.
I met my husband in January, we got engaged at the end of March, and we were married early June. When we asked one of our pastor friends to marry us, he said no because he didn’t think we should be getting married yet and should wait another year. We were 28, in love, and waiting wasn’t an option.
We’re three months in and it’s hard. We recently started having a lot of problems that stem from his emotional selfishness and my inability to let that go. We basically haven’t been taking for a week because every time we do we fight. I want him, as my husband, to step up and say “I am not ok with this distance and we’re going to fix it.” And am continually disappointed in his leadership when another day passes without him addressing the rift between us. I’m feeling trapped and have no idea what to do, but I don’t want to tell anyone because I don’t want them to say “we told you should have waited, sorry.”
Stephanie, I loved your honesty and vulnerability in this blog. Thank you for being so open about the struggles in your marriage – I think your honestly will truly benefit so many other people. You are a beautiful and inspirational writer. Although I’m not married at this point in my life, I truly admire someone who can be as open and honest as you are about your marriage. Your heart for the Lord and for people is beautiful! <3
Thank you for this post Stephanie. I’ve been married for 7 months and it’s been one of the toughest times for our relationship. We had additional struggles to deal with at the beginning of our marriage with his father living with us. He’s on his own now, which is great but we still fight about the same things, over and over. Specifically on where to put things, closet space and those darned boxes in our bedroom he absolutely refuses to put away! I’ve tried everything…asking nicely, offering to help, but no he stands his ground and it infuriates me! Along with bickering, I feel we don’t have sex as much as I think we should, which leaves me feeling unwanted and lonely. I feel like we need counseling to get through this! Maybe we do, but this post helped me feel like maybe we don’t have a terrible marriage and we are just two people trying to figure out how to live & love each other.
My husband and I have more money than we have ever had before but we also have more debt than we ever have had before! It’s crazy the arguments we have over how much we should put in our savings and towards our debt.
My husband also has a job that makes a lot more money than my temp job does (I’m still in school) so I constantly feel like I have to remind him that just because I didn’t make as much money as him today doesn’t mean I’m not just as tired as he is after work.
Marriage is rough but I love every second with my man. He makes my world go round and my heart flutter.
I can relate to most of the situations on that list! I remember in our first year of marriage having this ongoing tension that couldn’t seem to resolve. I remember walking into our bedroom and thinking, “Oh my gosh, this is how divorces happen!” I knew that wasn’t in the cards for my husband and I, but it was suddenly put into perspective why so many people give up. It’s hard!
Lately, I’ve been learning that separation from each other is a healthy thing. My husband left his job last month, and as we’ve been planning for the next season, we’ve been trapped at home together…all the time. That created this bizarre, awkward atmosphere where both of us were trying to cater to the other at the expense of our own spiritual growth. The last two weeks, we’ve both busied ourselves with separate tasks for a large portion of the day, then come together later to relax and love on each other. At first, I felt guilty for asking him to spend time away from me, but I realize now that it’s perfectly healthy and says nothing negative about our relationship!
Thanks for your honesty, Stephanie!
YAY! I love this! Sometimes the pressure of those heavy moods and eggshells feel like so much (like so much/ so hard / way too emotional draining and hard to explain) – especially when we let it spill over into more days. I find we always need a good laugh and fun moment to get back on track – sometimes it is us skipping evening plans just to do something random together and remember we like each other! Grace and forgiveness go along way! Also, all those little things get better. Start to enjoy and laugh at those little quirks -figure out what to enforce and what to let slide and let things slide.
We set up allowances so we could have “guilt free” spending money out of our joint account. We know the important rooms to keep clean and Bruce let’s me leave my clothes on the floor as long as they stay by my closet. We communicate needing our own space and have learned to interpret those weird moods so that we don’t let them explode.
It is not always easy but it gets better. and the most important thing is to remember to do fun things. Laugh together – it helps so much!
You got this. You are not alone. No one is perfect. But there is grace and new mercies and hope.
XOXO
I throw things, and I yell. My husband doesn’t. I don’t mean to, it just happens. And then it scares my dog =) Great. It’s probably the thing that’s hardest for me to admit because it sounds crazy. In it, I’m learning WHY I do these things, and that’s bringing more resolution and hope than anything! I’m becoming more attuned to the deeper issues, and that is life giving!
Yelling and throwing (stuffed animals) are also my vices. I hear you fully. I experience the guilt and shame also. You are not alone.
Stephanie, this was wonderful. It is wonderful to hear that other people are going through things I’m going through. That I am not alone.
I can echo almost every one of those struggles, but one that is large in my marriage is how we communicate in such different ways. I thought marriage would go so much better if we just had open pathways of communication. I was going to be upfront and honest with my husband about everything – not in an accusing way, but in a way that he would honestly understand my mind and my heart. The last thing I wanted to be was the woman who plays mind games.
What I found is something completely unexpected. I can be as honest as possible, but my husband doesn’t always understand what I am saying.
Sometimes, he doesn’t understand why I feel the way I do. One of the most common arguments revolves around me feeling like an idiot based on something he said. He is very literal, and if he didn’t use the actual word “idiot,” and didn’t intend for me to feel that way, he just doesn’t understand why I could possibly get that.
Sometimes, he just doesn’t understand what I am saying or where I’m coming from at all because he comes from a different background.
I can’t claim I have the answers. We definitely have a lot of work to do on learning to communicate better with one another, but I know that talking my husband’s ear off doesn’t usually work. I need to find a way for him to understand me. I need to be patient when he doesn’t right away.
I’m in the communications field and pridefully thought I would have an “easier” marriage because of my supposed “intelligence.” Let’s just say that God has humbled me and taught me so much of my need for Him.
Wow thanks for being honest with this. I’ve used the phrase “you’re making me feel like an idiot” so many times and thought I was alone in that. Thank you for reminding me I’m not!
I love this. I’ve officially been married for 11 days now and this is already perfect timing for this post.
We fought a little on our honeymoon and I felt so scared, like maybe we shouldn’t have done it if we were already fighting. I started battling insecurities that seemed to come out of nowhere, and had to battle so much fear. It’s so nice to read all of these comments and see I am not cray cray 🙂
My husband is literal like yours, and I was also a Communications major. I have prided myself on being this excellent communicator, but I always feel so irrational and crazy because he doesn’t understand me a lot of the time. Ha. Curse of the communicator, I guess!
So nice to know I’m not the only one.
Love this post!
This is a great post. I’ve been married almost 19 years (yikes!) and we are still learning as we go along. I’m still trying to figure out how to get my husband to pick up some of this things – ay-yi-yi – but as the years go on, I realize it’s really not all that important. I’ve learned how to ignore his messy dresser or cluttered sink. And yes, you are not alone, marriage is harder than I ever thought going into it, but there are moments where I want to stop time and breathe in the blessing of living side-by-side with my man.
I can totally relate, thanks for your vulnerability and being both clear about your situation yet positive and hopeful! Most fights are not everlasting, but picking and choosing when to fight has been the name of the game for us in our marriage. I think my marriage confession would probably be that I get nervous that we aren’t “Christian” enough. We aren’t really fighters- although we did have our biggest fight ever last week! Woof. Anyways, fighting hasn’t really been our go to, but miscommunication is a frequent discussion between us. I think knowing that our marriages are IMPORTANT but not ULTIMATE (only God is) helps us remember what matters and what doesn’t.
Kelsey, I can relate to not feeling “Christian Enough” I love God and want him to be first in our marriage. We have been married for 5 months, and I feel so guilty that I love my husband and come to him instead of going straight to God. I feel we need more time to pray together and work on having a stronger spiritual foundation.
Wow. This came at the perfect time. I’ve been married just 6 weeks now and it had been such a fun and beautiful time for my new husband and I…however I would be lying if I said it was the easiest 6 weeks ever. We are struggling with a lot of these exact same things and figuring out what it looks like to live together and do life together on a regular basis. We are learning about expectations and disappointments, communication and forgiveness and grace upon grace. We bicker and get mean and then instead of moving towards each other we move further apart, hiding from each other instead of pressing in. It’s lonely…and today I was feeling more alone than ever before. Steph, your blog and your honesty came at such a perfect time. Thanks for reminding me there’s nothing wrong with me, I don’t suck at being a wife and most importantly that I’m not alone. Your words matter, keep sharing!
I have found that having separate closets and bathrooms help our relationship (we’ve been living together for 2+ years but only married for 4). I have a specific way I like my closet organized and I leave all of my make up all over the bathroom. He doesn’t clean his hair out of the sink when he shaves his beard and his closet is a mumble jumble of things. I dread when we may actually have to share a bathroom and closet:(
This was SO needed today! My husband and I have been married for almost 10 months, and it’s been amazing! But like you said, sometimes you just fight about anything and everything. Today the argument was about who was going to kill the spider who so rudely moved into our house. Seriously, who fights about that? I was irritated because my big, strong husband wanted me to kill the spider because he “doesn’t do spiders.” Well, neither do I! (The damsel in distress in me was so offended!) The day pretty much escalated from there. It’s so refreshing to know that other couples are the same way and that we aren’t alone! Despite the arguments here and there, I wouldn’t trade my marriage for anything! 🙂
Oh, how I LOVE this! This is such a freeing post. Tomorrow we will be married for 6 months and I have felt and experienced every single thing you’ve put on that list. One of the things I struggle with is the Proverbs 31 woman and how I measure up. In an attempt to have our apartment clean, dishes done, meals cooked, etc daily, my husband has to constantly remind me to not put expectations on me that he doesn’t even put on me! My drive for perfectionism has been the source of many fights. This past Saturday was our apartment warming and we basically fought for two days due to the stress (well, my stress) of preparing for it. Thanks so much for this! I’m not alone!
Just to chime in a bit with all of you newlyweds….1 week of marriage quickly becomes 1 month of marriage and then 1 year and then 10 years and so on. Life and marriage is a journey that you are on together. That journey comes with the ups and downs of life including moving (trust me…im the great counselor on that subject) buying houses, navigating debt, going to church on Sunday (or not going to church on Sunday), family issues, where to go on vacation or the fact that there is no money for vacation. But what is there is the trust and security of someone you know very well walking with you on that journey. If you know Jesus, you know that He loves marriage because He created and designed it. He knew the fact tht my husband would move every fricken dish I put in the dishwasher to some other spot, and that I would battle whether to pick the dish up and throw it at him or be thankful he helps me do the dishes at all. Those issues seem so small but they are stepping stones to what happens 20, 30 or 40 years after you walk down that aisle. Learning how to manuever dishes and toothpaste and closet space make us realize our differences and learn to work together….not independently. So, the journey that starts at week 1 is still the same journey at year 40.
I. Love. This. We have been married for five years this July so not completely Newley Weds but I sure wish I had read something like this during that first year of marriage!
Confession: we fought on our honeymoon. We fought about money. We fought about sex. I thought something was very wrong with us. People had made it out to be this untouchable perfect experiance, and don’t get me wrong it was suoer amazing much of the time, but it was also overwhelming and real life.
I’m almost at my two year anniversary of being married and I wish I had read this two years ago. All of those confessions? I would echo every single one. We finally got counseling about 15 months into it and it was the best thing we ever did- I would recommend it to everyone. My marriage confession? I thought I would be a better wife. I have realized the true sin and selfishness in my soul these past two years and it’s been one of the most eye opening experiences of my life. I’ve learned so much in two years yet feel like there’s still so much I don’t know. I struggle to write about marriage especially the hard parts, but you did it beautifully in this post!
Stephanie, thanks so much for this. We will have been married a year this upcoming weekend, and I have felt so alone in my struggle these past several months. My husband and I never had the honeymoon stage I don’t think. It’s just been a lot of working through, frustration, and trying to figure out why God has us in this relationship! We know it’s good and we want to choose to love each other every day, but it comes with its challenges!
The biggest issue in our marriage to me is the fact that my husband doesn’t pray with me or talk to me about spiritual things. If I ask him, yes of course he will, but I crave leadership in that way in our marriage. I’ve been trying to give these expectations to God and expect Him to make the changes necessary in my husband.
So thankful that you had the bravery to be honest instead of living under the ruse of the “perfect marriage”.
Blessings!
Wow. I am unmarried myself, but this post was beautiful. Even more beautiful is the response to it. I’m moved by all the comments — the encouragement, the honesty, the grace.
If y’all don’t mind, I would like to give you my perspective as a husband.
We have all the same problems as you. Often those have to do with sex or money, so I’ll focus on those two.
Money:
We have been in four different stages in our marriage in two years. Me working at a terrible, low end job that I hated and could be done by a 12 year old while I have a college degree and can’t find a real job. Next, I quit my job and did a 10 week intensive school (with no income). After that, we finished right before Thanksgiving and finding a job still isn’t easy, so there was an extra four months with no pay. Now, I have my job that makes 2.5x what I had before.
No matter how much money we have, we still fight about the same things. She buys a lot clothes, albeit cheap ones and she is an amazing deal hunter, but it eats through money when she has 70% of our closet full. We agreed that we would talk about purchases like that, but so many times it doesn’t happen. Then there is purchases that we think are a waste of money. She buys clothes and I think she is spending money on something she may wear once every two months and looks almost the same as something else. I want to buy a video game, she finds it a waste of money. We’ll never agree, as our interests don’t align. You just get to a point where you understand and you need to agree. It’s only money. Eventually you just need to get on the same side.
Sex:
We definitely thought we’d have sex more often. I definitely thought we’d have sex more often than she thought. Before you are married you just have high hopes and are chomping at the bit, then marriage is realization.
My wife doesn’t want to have sex very often. She is just never in the mood. I usually have to put her in the mood, which can be a bit weird since you are trying to get her from 0 to 60. It can make you feel inadequate. Is there something wrong with me that is making her not want to have sex? It has just brought in so much doubt. She just says she doesn’t have much of a sex drive, and this honestly makes her feel wrong or weird. It’s hard for me. I have also been struggling with porn for 10 years and for me I feel like I have a really high sex drive. I still mess up. I have messed up for so long that it alters my thinking. It becomes a switch. I have to be careful with what I watch, see on facebook, etc. It’s still really hard, and her not wanting to have sex with me also makes it really difficult. I want to have sex with her. She is incredible. Even if I mess up, the instant it’s over I am filled with so much regret because I really do love my wife beyond all reason.
It’s one thing I really wish that would change because it would honestly help me. It would help curve the craving, it would let God’s intentions melt away my sinful ones, and I want her. This alone has caused a lot of fights. I want to have sex multiple times a week then we go 5 weeks without sex, then 2 weeks, then 3 weeks. It makes her feel weird for not wanting to and it makes me feel weird for wanting to so much. When it comes down to it, I want my wife., not that unrealistic crap that comes from porn. I want her and I want her all the time.
Not only that, I wrestle with lust every day. I’ve told her about my struggles, but how does that translate to today? It’s not an easy thing to work through and it’s not something that you can just bring up. I love my wife, but she may not see it that way if it is still going on. I’ve prayed for years for this to be taken. God help me.
S – you may have already looked into it, but there are many Christian sex bloggers out there that have written on the very struggle you describe. Sheila Gregoire is one that I have found to be especially helpful. She does a great job of explaining why women don’t alway want sex and why men do and she gives good insight to husbands and wives for how to maintain a healthier sex life. She doesn’t just take the women’s side – she values the needs of men too. Hope this helps!
I have no idea your circumstances, but I think it worth mentioning here that there are things which are often not recognized but can significantly reduce female libido – the most common being if she is on ANY type of hormonal birth control (pill, shot, patch, implant). If this is the case, it could benefit greatly to look into other options, like natural family planning. Our female hormones can be demolished when we put the fake ones in!
Perfect post to read today as this week petty issues have been getting to me more than usual.
My wonderful husband is about twice my age and it’s one of the things I love most about him. He loves God with all his heart and speaks wisdom into my life and our marriage all the time. I love it. But this week for some reason, I take his words of wisdom offensively as if he thinks I’m stupid or something. It’s an atrocious insecurity that rears its ugly head every now and then, but I know without a shadow a doubt it couldnt be less true.
My husband also has three grown children whom I’m only a few years older than the oldest. Stupidly, I get jealous when he spends time with them without me which is every time as we just got married and they aren’t exactly on board. It becomes a tiff when he gets home and we both feel like we are walking on eggshells.
It’s our biggest issue but we always resolve it quickly. He assures me that his love for me is unconditional and that I am his priority. He also assures me that the importance of his job as a father is to make his children (daughter especially) not feel like she is losing him again which she has before. I assure him that I love that he is such a loving caring Father and that I love his kids as an extension of him and want the opportunity when the time is right to just be a friend to all of his children. We pray together about the issue as we know God can bring others into line as He has done many times in the recent past with other family members.
Love this post and the comments.
My husband and I will celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary this year. The first year of marriage was THE HARDEST.
Here’s the advice of a wizened old married lady:
1. Choose each other. Every. Day. (Not money. Not sex. Not work. Just time with each other.)
2. If you feel like your partner isn’t doing enough for you, do more for them. (As best as I can tell, this is what Peter meant in 1 Peter 3.) In my experience, this always makes me feel better about my marriage.
3. Get naked. It will help (seriously). Probably because it requires vulnerability.
4. Go first. Especially when you don’t want to (like when an apology is needed or #3).
But above all. Choose each other. See #1.
Thank you so much Stephanie for the honesty! After a year and a half of marriage, my husband and I have had more transitions than I have heard most people have in 10+ years or maybe their whole marriages. Three different continents, apart for 6 months, more moves than I can count and currently me learning how to live in Germany (he is German) has been crazy. It really has been our second world race.
That being said, we have had SOO many fights. But now that we are finally in a more settled time (and not as many transitions), I can see things coming together for us. We finally know how to have fun together at night or what the other needs after work. And after 1 1/2 years, I can honestly say our marriage is more fun than work.
We still fight (resolving a conflict as we like to call it). Recently it is about how and when to make “business” decisions (just daily life decisions). I would do them a lot sooner than he would and a lot of times I have to wait many days/weeks after I would like to do it. But, I am learning how he works and to adjust.
Looking back on our marriage, our lives have been really stressful. It is no wonder we fought so much. I think anyone would. However, I am being reminded that when things seem really hard, try to take a step back and see that this is just a season and know that it will end. Try to find people to talk to in the meantime, but know it will not be forever.
I love my husband to pieces. I would never go through what I have gone through for someone I didn’t love. It has all been worth it. You’re not alone, Stephanie 🙂 And enjoy Nashville! We just moved from there a few weeks before you arrived and I was bummed I couldn’t get to know you more there. Glad to see things are going well for you guys,including your fights..you’re normal 🙂
Some of these “issues” start to show up at the serious dating stage, and I think articles like this are helpful for people at that point in their relationship as well, because it can help temper an unreasonable fear of marriage or commitment.
I think for perfectionists especially, it can take some time to really internalize the fact that even the relationship/person that God has for you will not be perfect.
I am learning that working through the struggles can be a beautiful, personally refining thing as well. And can also lead me closer to the Father.
Thanks Stephanie!
I really needed to hear this. My husband and I have been married for almost 3 years and it hasn’t been the easiest 3 years. I used to get mad when I heard negative aspects of marriage and thought “we are different.” I was wrong. We are imperfect human beings just like everyone else. Marriage might bring out your best qualities but also your worst. I love my husband more than anyone in the world but marriage is HARD. I still believe marrying him is the best decision I ever made and he really is my best friend. It’s nice to hear that I’m not crazy and it doesn’t mean we have a “bad” marriage, we’re just human.
Stephanie,
Wow. Thank you. You’re a wonderful writer and you’ve certainly hit home on this post. As a pastor and life coach, I appreciate the dose of reality you are providing young couples. (As a mentor to young men, I hear the guys’ side more often, so thanks for a window into a young bride’s world). Here’s a question I’d love to hear your thoughts on and/or pose to your readers: What could a pastor/coach/mentor have done in pre-marital counseling to better prepare you for the disappointments common to marriage? I hate to burst the balloon for couples when they’re already so overwhelmed by wedding planning. But when they see the wedding day as the finish line rather than the starting line, when all the energy has gone into planning the wedding and not enough into preparing for life together, is there any wonder marriages struggle? How can I/we help?
Having a conversation exactly like this would have been so, so, so helpful. While our pastor did discuss how to fight well for one of the lessons, he didn’t really talk much about the reality of marriage. What I mean is that I walked away knowing that fighting happens, but that there is a way to avoid it and if it’s too late to avoid and you find yourself in the midst of it, how to fight through it well and in a relationship-edifying way. After all the many books, articles, blogs, etc. that I read, somehow I still thought that marriage would be a lot easier than I have found it to be in these first (just about) 3 months. I think it would be incredibly helpful for couples to know that they might run into lots of problems and have lots of arguments even from the very beginning, but that it doesn’t mean they made the wrong choice, that they are so much worse than other couples, etc. There is too much talk of this “honeymoon” phase and not enough talk about how people can also fight on the honeymoon. I have had so many arguments in the first few months of marriage with my husband and have been terrified that there is something exceptionally wrong with us. This is the first time I feel that maybe we are kind of normal… And that has given me more strength. I literally want to let all the newlyweds in the world (especially Christians) in on this sorely under-preached topic. It lets couples know, yes, you are sinful, yes, you aren’t loving you’re spouse the way you should always, yes, it does start out REALLY hard sometimes, but no, you’re not the only couple dealing with this, no, you didn’t make a mistake by entering into this covenant, no, everyone else does not have a perfect marriage or constantly amazing newlywed experience. So pretty much what I’m saying is that there should be more talk about the ugliness that you often find tangled in the beauty that is marriage, even quite early on (or immediately). We Church people too often like to gloss over the ugly. The Bible isn’t shy about human ugliness and our mess, but we so often are. And it really does a great disservice to us all.
It’s so awesome that you’re looking for ways to do what you do better bc we often get content with the material we have and perpetuate its use, even when it isn’t what’s best for those we seek to serve. May God bless you and those you serve!
Stop planning the wedding and plan for your marriage. The wedding is a single day; a marriage is a lifetime.
My husband and I were engaged for 4 months (we were very close to the priest) but most of the time was spent on plans for beyond the wedding day. I think a lot of couples get so wrapped up in having the perfect wedding day, but at the end of day if your best friend is now your husband/wife then it was a successful day.
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*phew*, i feel so much better now. My husband and I have been married for three weeks, and we have fought more within those 3 weeks, than in our 3 years together. The frequency of the fights have really scared us, and its good to know that we arent alone.
Also, we have both been working really hard (couldnt go on honeymoon because of my job), and we are struggling to find ample time to spend with each other.
Thank God, and thank you Stephanie for this year old blog post. I am 17 days married and freaked out because I feel a lot less like a blissed-out newlywed; and a lot more like a college freshman who’s not sure they’re getting along with their new roommate yet. None of my friends will talk about this subject with this kind of honesty, and I really really needed to hear I wasn’t the only one. I can go get back to my wonderful marriage now, knowing it’s wonderfully normal. Praise Jesus.
This is my second marriage. My first we were young. I was 20. It lasted 11 years when all was said and done. It took him over a year to agree to the terms of the divorce. I remarried a friend of mine who i became close to, who my children were close to. He was, I thought the answer to my prayers. I mean I would have been happy spending my time with just my girls but now I had the chance at a partner. I wanted to do this right. Not repeat any of the same mistakes. A month into the marriage and we had a fight. It was over something silly and he said something like “I told you so.” That ticked me off and boom an argument. We took the weekend to spend and try and sort out our thoughts. We apologized and things were back to normal. But the fights, they were still happening. I really didn’t know what to think until I read this. My Grammy always said you have to get through the tough times to get to the easy.” I guess I know now I need to get my big girl pants on and muck through the tough times.
Thank you for your insights. I found your article while searching for help. We have been married for a year now. It has not been how I imagined. I am irritable beyond words once a month, though not in sync with my period. We fight about everything… what to have for dinner, who’s doing what chores, spending too much time with his family and not enough time just us, having minimal interactions with my family, purchases, him not being “sensitive” enough to what I need (even though he is quite sensitive), seeing his friends all the time and not seeing my friends, and for some reason he is not comfortable talking about sex at all. I find myself cringing at the thought of sex, even though it is pleasurable once I give in and the act begins. We have went though a lot of losses: pets, his brother died in a car accident, my mom suffered a brain aneurysm, and my favorite aunt recently passed. Because of this I believe we will find a way to make it, but most of the time I feel so upset with myself it projects all over the relationship. Somehow it will work out.
OMG! I sooo needed this! We’ve been married almost 2 months and I don’t feel like a newly wed???? He works often so I don’t get to see him until the weekend. During the week I barely talk to him. I can’t even type this w/o crying.
Wow! I have to show this to my husband. We’ve been married about 7 weeks. At times it is wonderful. Other times we’re miserable. Before getting married, my father passed away 2 months before our wedding and my husband got jealous by the time I spent at the hospital. My husband did help out a lot. Now that we’re living together we walk on eggshells. He has double standards. He’ll tell me to stop doing something (leaving dishes in the sink, putting clothes on the bed, etc, when he does the same thing. He has a problem communicating what he is doing, but criticises me for not being transparent, when I am! Then he works tge night shift and I never see him. We can’t plan our life over the phone. He gets upset when I don’t feel like sex at 2 am when I have to wake up at 5. I hope things will get better
Wow! Thank you so much for this. I know I’m late to the party but this made me feel less alone. I hate thinking that I’m the only newlywed already feeling miserable. In my scenario I am also 7 months pregnant and we just finished moving into a new apartment. Our fights are an emotional wreck and no one sleeps at night when we have them. My husband has a terrible way of exploding and yelling when he is upset and then is much more reasonable after the cool down so I’m still learning how to have good timing when coming to him with issues or holding my emotions till he is in a calm state to talk. However it’s getting harder for me to recover from the hurtful things said during his angry explosions. Also he has had a drinking problem where he drinks too much and blacks out in the past although he is not drinking now. He’s been excellent at catering to me and my pregnancy and loves having a family, I can tell, but I want more sex and to actually feel like he desires me. Pregnancy has made frequency worse and I hate feeling like he would be attracted to a different type of woman more as I pride myself off taking very good care of my face and body. He says his sex drive will return once he’s in shape and I’m not pregnant anymore but we’ll see. He does many good things and thinks of me often. I also get the sense he needs me more than I do him and he goes out of his way for me. I know he loves me and I love him, we’ve been through so much together, I’m battling anxiety through it all and we still got married in spite of everything. He really wants to be a dad and good husband I know it but I’m just hoping we finally find our balance and end up both satisfied as can be. I admit sometimes I get extremely doubtful that things will change and I know nothing will ever be perfect but I just hope we find even ground.
I found this site because I googled “advice on being a newlywed.” I needed to know I’m not alone. So thank you for posting this and letting me know I’m not alone.
My husband is the most wonderful man. I’m so so so lucky to have him. He cooks, cleans, is patient, loves me, holds me when I cry, and takes care of me more than I deserve. We’ve been married for three months. And yet marriage is still hard! Here are my confessions:
-Marriage can be lonely. My husband will listen to all the talking I’ve got, but there’s nothing like coming home to three female roommates who want to analyze every minute of your day. Now, I have to make plans to see my girl friends, instead of having them in the next bedroom over!
-We don’t have sex as often as I thought we would. The media and other women made it sound like we would be having sex multiple times a day! We don’t. It makes me worry that there’s something wrong with us.
-Sometimes, I need my space from him. Again, he’s the most wonderful man in the world but…I spent 31 years on my own. I kinda miss the alone time.
-Sometimes, we aren’t cheesy and goo goo, make other people wanna barf, all over each other in public kinda of people! But we’ve only been married for three months! Shouldn’t we be only gazing into each other eyes at all times? And using baby voices for each other at all times? Are we not in love because we don’t do these things?
Now that I’m writing these confessions down, I feel kinda silly. But still, this is how I’m feel. It’s good to know other newlywed wives feel the same. 🙂
You’re NOT silly. I’m up late crying, searching for someone….anyone who is going through and dealing with what I am. I found it on this post/comments. I’ve cried myself to sleep the past three nights because I felt so alone and SO broken at the fact that my new marriage (3 weeks old) feels so disconnected. The sex issue is huge. I cannot fathom how as newlyweds we are not having sex more often… the spiritual unity is heartbreaking (I had this vision of praying together every night… am I too much of a dreamer?). We talk and laugh but I feel so disconnected still. I’ve had to leave our room the past three nights due to crying and being worried I would have a panic attack. Best way I can explain is I have an OVERWHELMING feeling of being homesick, even though I’m laying beside my favorite person in the world. I am in the Word, praying to God specifically for the situation and for my husband (and for my thoughts), but still I end up crying my eyes out and panicking.
All that to say… I’m very grateful I’m not alone. I searched and searched through blurry, tear-filled eyes through google to see if anyone had ever dealt with anything similar. Then this. Word for word what I needed. God is good.
Awesome post. I’ve been married for 10months and was pregnant for 7 months of my marriage. Had medical issues which caused me to deliver our baby early and now we have a newborn, home now (thank God). Marriage is hard. My husband and I have had a rough time since being married and then pregnant, now with a new baby. It’s like we haven’t had a chance to just be newlyweds. I don’t regret my son, he is such a blessing in our lives. It’s just that we aren’t as intimate. It’s mainly me. Since I delivered my son, I’m just not interested in sex. I mostly want to be left alone.
I don’t know what it is. And I agree with another postee…alone time is golden. We both took leave for bonding time with baby so we are around each other all the time, but kind of separate at the same time. I don’t know. We’ve had major life changers that hit us all at once. It definitely takes some type of toll on the marriage.
Hello. I guess im the only guy here, but im at the end of my rope. My wife and I are only 2 months and we arguing over the smallest and most ridiculous things. However now it has gotten bad, becsuse we are now going for low blows. We both are at fault. We do a lot of back and forth – where she believes I do not appreciate her and i believe she wants to control everything I do. We were living together a year and a half begore getting married and things were never as bad as now. In a couple days, we will be going to a supposed second wedding reception her parents have prepared and neither one of us feel we are happy nor want to pretend to be happy in front of her family. It feels like things a starting to hit a dead end and I am scared because I really do love her. I’m at a loss. The accusations, insecurities, mistrust and assumptions are separating us and we are both ar fault.
Charlie, I am so so sorry this is happening! I can totally understand how one thing feeds another, and vice versa. It’s sort of the chicken and the egg argument — the things each of you are doing are feeding the other, and it’s hard to know where to trace it back to. But here’s what I’d say — invite someone into it. A counselor, a therapist, the people who did your pre-marital counseling, a pastor… that’s what they’re there for. In some seasons of life (and it sounds like this one is definitely one of them!) we find ourselves in places we just don’t know how to navigate on our own. And especially when there’s another person in the mix, sometimes you’re both speaking, and what you’re trying to say and trying to do just isn’t getting through — one or both of you isn’t feeling understood. It’s so helpful to have a trained, professional, confidential person there with you to help you break through the walls that are between you, to help you really communicate and say what you actually feel and need, and to help you find a way through. That would be my wholehearted recommendation. I truly believe it would help!
I don’t know your beliefs, but I believe that God honor s marriage so much and the enemy likes to tear it apart. If you and your wife believe in prayer, try it. You guys have to talk without arguing and agree to disagree. It’s crazy how when you get married how rough things can be, but know that marriage is about toughing it out with that one person you love. Agree to disagree. You two need time to actually talk about the small problems and come up with a plan to fix them together. That’s my suggestion.
I feel like when two people are on the same page change can happen. It is a process. Marriage is a process as well. The beginning stages can be rough, but it’s over coming the challenges and gaining the reward of growth together.
*sigh* Thank you for this. I just cried reading this. My husband just hit one month yesterday and ended it with what seems like the umpteenth argument where he pushed the one emotional button I asked him not to.
My secret: We argue around once a week about dumb stuff. I believe some of it is because he wants to spend all of our free time together. I don’t. I love him, just some space every couple of weeks would be ideal. I’m afraid to tell him. Plus he moved into my place until we find something in September. I think the condo is part of the problem. It was mine and his presence in the place is more prominent than mine now.
I don’t want to tell anyone. I am ashamed.
After reading this I cried. Not just a few tears but a steady stream. It’s only been 3 weeks since we got married. There has been so much joy but deep and ironic pain as well.
The secret: we waited to have sex until we were married. We addressed the issue plenty of times beforehand and ensured one another we were very much sexually compatible. But we’re not. He’s older than me and just not that interested in sex. He’d be fine with once a week but I want sex on a daily basis. We’ve argued about this, cried, blamed each other, but nothing gets resolved. I’m tired. I love him. He’s my best friend and we love spending time together. But it’s feeling like we’re just really good roommates. He tells me all the time how pretty and sexy I am, but he’d prefer sleep than make love with me. I’m angry with God. I’m hurt that my husband is starting to feel like love making is a chore. Other men find me attractive and desire to have sex with me, and yet I find myself having to seduce my husband. He’s not gay and he’s not that old. He just doesn’t view sex as being very important. I married him for life so I guess this is my life now.
I’ve been married for 2 months plus. We were not staying together everyday, i was told to go back sleep at my mum’s place when he had to work during night time. We barely met each other, and he doesn’t even care about me when i back home. I tried so hard to communicate with him, and whenever i talked to him, he just asked me to shut up. There’s one day i went home and i asked him what time did he reach home.. then he told me that i’m annoyed and asked me to leave the house. I know he is stressed out by his job..I had been so tolerate with him, but this is not the kind of marriage i wanted.
So i back to my mum place, he never come to see me even i was pregnant now. I felt disappointed, and i went back the house to pack my stuff and left the house. All he did was just message and called.. I don’t know what to do anymore.
I need advice..
My husband and I just got into the saddest fight. I ended up yelling at him and he cried – I’m not the kind of person that yells, and he never cries. He’s been having a hard time with his job lately, and I have been trying to help him find a new job and quit the terrible one he’s in. I even wrote his resignation letters and I push him to make resumes and apply in-person, and he gets frustrated and tells me it’s not that easy, he doesn’t feel confident in himself and he finds negative in everything, which is not at all how he normally is. What he needs is comfort, active listening and reassurance. What I’m giving is not really what he needs or wants, and on both ends it’s so frustrating. We got into an argument from that premise, and it escalated into him telling me, “don’t give up on me,” to which I got so angry, and told him, “I have never given up on you and never will, how dare you!” And we were yelling, crying – it all escalated so quickly and got so out of control so fast, when we are normally very soft-spoken, well thought-out people. I’m having a hard time being the supportive wife he needs and wants, and I just don’t know what to do. I’m doing what I can in my capacity, and it’s the wrong thing. He shuts me out lately, and it hurts.
I have “moderate” ocd and am a serious germaphobe and it’s been the cause of a lot of our bickering. We’ve moved into a new house in the country and I’m having a seriously hard time with the dirt and “germs.” And of course my husband is the total opposite of me and doesn’t care about all the dirt and the dust that he tracks into his house because he constantly forgets to put on his indoor shoes at home. I still have boxes in the middle of the living room full of my clothes and whatever crap I lugged over across the other side of the country with me because I’m afraid to expose my things to all the germs that are in the house… I’ve almost given up so many times. More than I’d like to admit. But I do love him and we just need to get past this settling in part. I really thank you for writing this article. I felt really alone. It’s been especially hard being isolated from all my friends and not being able to go out to a nice dinner and drinks with them. Which I’m so used to. I had no idea moving in a new house with someone you love could be so hard… no one ever tells you about the hard parts about being a newly wed.
I’ve been married for 2 months and it has been the hardest two months of my life. I love my husband very much… But more often than not I find myself in tears at the end of every day. I’m an introverted person but I have no issue expressing myself to my husband. I joke and talk freely when I’m around him, I admit he does the same but at the same time he’s very passive agressive. Also I often feel as if I’m walking on pins & needles around him. He acts as if everything is the end of the world. Also if I find myself in a less than desirable situation, he blames my personality for it. He tells me often that I’m wrong and that he knows me better thab anyone. I also feel in certain situations he does not take my side. For example I recently got fired from a job. My boss was very mean and felt that if I (and other coworkers) didn’t listen to him exactly, we were deliberately trying to rebel against his authority. I made 1 too many mistakes and found myself laid off. When I got home and told my husband he was upset, ranting about how I don’t care about him and how I always find myself in these situations because I don’t respect other people. That I bring harm to myself because I’m “flawed”. I had already felt bad that day but I felt worse after that. I mulled over my personal flaws and thought about what I should do differently. I apologized for making things “difficult” and found work elsewhere. That’s not the end of it. When we’re together he likes to he on his phone. We don’t ever talk about much. Just basic things. Routinely… It’s the same every single day. He’ll ask me about my day, I’ll ask him about his, we’ll eat dinner, he’ll watch stuff on his phone while I sit there and that’s it. Even if he wants to eat something (say if I’ve already eaten) he’ll be upset if I don’t sit with him. Once during am argument I expressed that I don’t like that we don’t talk but he replied that I “never have anything interesting to talk about”. This has made me feel so…pointless. I often feel alone even when he’s at home with me. My family lives all the way across country and I don’t have any friends where we live so everyday, I wait for him to get home. He’s the only person I have and even when I’m with him I feel lonely. Today, I cried my eyes out, out of nowhere because I realized my situation is a lot worse than I thought. I’m suffocating from this relationship. I love him very much but I’m wondering if this is something that can he fixed or if I just have to calk it quits.
This post really ministered to me. I was honestly starting to feel like there was something wrong with me and my husband. We’ve only been married for about 2 weeks. We just ended our honeymoon and we had so many arguments during our honeymoon. Everything from how often to have sex to me feeling like he isn’t mindful or considerate of me (for example, if I’m going to get something to drink or food, I ask him if he wants anything. I don’t get that in return from him). It has honestly been an emotional honeymoon. We even got into at the airport. I always knew the first year of marriage was hard. I just didn’t expect the fights to begin until at least after the honeymoon. Reading your blog truly ministered to me. I have to remember that my husband and I are two different people with differing personalities and we’re bringing our own “baggage” into this marriage. Thank you so much for being open and honest about your first year of marriage. I’m glad to know that everyone goes through it.
Thank you for this post, Stephanie. I’m so exhausted from trying to analyze my emotions and fix everything that I’m having a hard time even formulating words. I’m relieved to know I am not alone in this, and yet it’s equally disheartening to know just how tough dealing with this (bickering and hopelessness) is going to be, and if it’ll ever end.
My husband and I have been married for a little over 3 months now, but have been together for 9 years. We moved in together after a month (4 weekend dates since we were long distance at the time and didn’t even see each other during the weekdays), dated for 7 years before engagement. Needless to say, we have already been through a lot and foolishly thought we wouldn’t have to be subject to as much challenges within the first year of marriage (it’s okay, you can laugh. I’m laughing at myself too about this one).
There have been a lot of things happening with my in-laws’ health that I know have been contributing to my husband’s stress…. that, and his personal recovery from an elbow surgery, and just being frustrated with the state of sales at his job. Now that that’s all typed out, I feel pretty guilty that I am complaining… however, this has been a hard journey for me too. When my (single) mom was diagnosed with cancer during our engagement, I didn’t have nearly as much support from him as I’d given his mom this past year during her cancer diagnosis. Thankfully both mothers are doing well in their health now, but it’s interesting to see how different their perspectives are. My mom keeps herself busy with work and church and does whatever she can to get herself out of any opportunity to gain pity. His mom on the other hand is incredibly needy and seems to struggle with resentment that his son is married and expects us to fulfill her insecurity, happiness, and general emotional well-being (which, in my belief as a Christian, can only be provided by God— we are human; no one can handle that kind of charge to fulfill another human’s void, only God can. I learned that the hard way growing up without my father). It doesn’t help that my father in law hasn’t been the best text book husband, as I see a nonexistent friendship and love between him and my MIL. I feel it putting a strain on our marriage because I’m so ridden with anxiety of having to make sure I constantly call and check on his parents (separately too) because if I don’t, they will resent me and get mad and judge every move I make to believe I am not being good to them, host/cook for them when they show up unannounced at the house in the middle of my workday (I work from home… couple that with his grandfather stopping by randomly), and do it all with a smile on my face. Between my husband and me, we are literally either on the phone with them or seeing them everyday. The apron ties clearly haven’t been cut, but I also need to remain sensitive to their current state of mind as well. I see how it affects my husband’s moods, how helpless and responsible he feels, how resentful he is toward me for not doing enough or letting them move in with us— even though I know deep down he knows he wouldnt be able to live with them either (we did it a few years back, before we were engaged and when weren’t even settled a month into our new home that we purchased together for the first time…. it wasn’t pretty).
Now fights with my husband resemble that of how they were when we first moved into his first condo together after a month of dating. I feel like we have lost the 9 years we have dated and built our friendship. If you knew the kind of fights we used to have, you’d know that it truly is a miracle and an act of God that we got married. And yet, here I am, sitting alone at home with the husband stormed out of the house with yet another fight, going on nights where we sleep in separate beds (which I know his parents do and it scares me that we are headed down a similar road for decades to come), and just feeling genuinely unwanted by him. I can FEEL him not liking me. I am his scapegoat for nearly everything when he is in these moods (which is 90% of the time lately) and heaven forbid I get mad over a justified point because then instead of just addressing it, he will suddenly find all these other things he is angry at me about, thus tipping the blame over to me so he doesn’t have to be sorry over what I’m upset about. I’ve observed the passive aggressive manipulation in his family and my husband is certainly not exempt, as it has been a learned behavior from his upbringing. I seriously feel like we have gone back 9 years and it’s heart wrenching. He doesn’t think he (and we) need(s) therapy, so that’s another battle I’m trying to fight.
I’m clinging to my Bible and my time with God everyday… I am grateful for that because I feel His closeness and love… but I am so sad…. it’s affecting my health. I have broken out into hives on my cheeks from stress (and I represent a skincare company on national television), and I just recovered from a random stomach flu virus that knocked me down the other week (and I rarely get sick). I don’t know what’s in store for the rest of our future, but I just need my husband to be nicer and remind me that I’m not his punching bag and that he still loves me. Because right now, I don’t feel like he does… the worst part is, back when this happened years ago, I cried everyday and was sad but still remained hopeful. Today, I am exhausted, trying hard not to get bitter, and starting to accept that I genuinely don’t like him right now and perhaps never will again and that that’s okay (even though I don’t want to be okay with it… because once I accept that, who knows how much less I will try and how indifferent I will be). I keep reading that this first year of marriage eventually gets better and somehow a couple finds their groove, but when will that be? And what if it never happens? Will I have to go through this all over again when we have kids? IF we even have kids?— because let’s be honest, you need to have sex to have kids and the chemistry between us is anything but romantic.
Holy smokes, have I needed this post. Thank you THANK YOU Stephanie for putting this in the world for me (and a bunch of other folks!) to read, reflect, and breathe a sigh of relief.
My husband and I dated for 2 years long distance before getting married, living very separate lives in separate states, but carving out time for each other. After the wedding, I moved to him and the honeymoon, I felt, was over really fast. For the first two weeks, I cried everyday over everything; our pets didn’t get along, I felt isolated in a new town where I knew few people, and I walked on eggshells around the house, feeling that it was still “his” and not “ours.” Needless to say, the transition was ROUGH. I was questioning if we did the right thing by getting married, worried that I had made his life so much harder/worse, and questioned whether I made the right decision to uproot the fairly stable and beautiful life I had built in the ‘before’ time.
Things have gotten better over the last month. We’ve had A LOT of heart to heart life chats about hwo things are going, what each of us could be doing to make things better, and what role God plays in the middle of all of it. That, and this, gives me hope that things will be just fine overall. Thanks to you, and all the lovely commentators!, for helping me feel less alone in what was a really isolated start to marriage.
I am sitting here reading all these posts thinking I am not alone. I’ve been married 7 months and we have been arguing over everything. Big and small. You name it, it is an argument. And just like another post we are really starting to take low shots. This leaves me feeling unloved and disrespected. The only saving grace has been counseling. We started before we got married and have learned so much but still have a long way to go. I do recommend it for couples especially newlyweds. It’s truly an adjustment period. I am praying and hoping that we get it together because this is our 2nd marriage and you think we would have learned from the 1st what to do and not to do but things dont change just because the people change. Thanks for the encouraging words and now i feel i can go on because I am not alone.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
I found this post that saved my on a day I was at my lowest. The responses helped me get through and rise again. I thank you all including the male perspective. I am married and my husband is abroad you would think we would be happier…..NOT!!! When I travel to see him we fight, when we are apart we fight. It’s more over my expectations of what I believe he should be doing to be better. His forgetfulness, lack of motivation, fear of the unknown. I find myself degrading him because I am the breadwinner and am sick of hearing say “when I get over there it will be different”. Please advise. Helpless!
Dear Stephanie,
I am a newlywed of seven weeks and thought we were so alone in this. We are fighting almost every night and even in front of our friends and I feel ashamed to tell anyone.
Thank you so much for your post, I can really relate and it’s so helpful to know that this weird arguing phase we’re in at the moment won’t last forever!
I’m excited for what the future brings.
Needed this. Today. In this moment. My husband and I both struggle with perfectionism and it strangles the life out of this season. Where I want to be flexible and easy going I am not. I find it extremely hard to let things go and he does too. I never thought I would be in such a sad place so quickly into my marriage. I know there’s hope though, when I read articles like this and hear honesty
from other newlyweds. I’m so tired of having to walk on eggshells. Praying this comes to a close soon. I know it needs to start with me and my heart first so I’m praying for that.
Wow, I’m so glad that I stumbled upon this post. I’ve been married for almost five months, and if you ask my husband how being a newlywed is going he would say “fantastic! God is just working in the both of us.” But I feel the complete opposite. We both work the same amount of hours each week, but I am taking on the majority of the chores. I spend anywhere from 2-5 hours per day taking care of making meals, laundry, the pets, dishes, picking up the house, etc.. which leaves me barely any time for some solid personal time with God. I’ve brought it up multiple times but he always thinks that he does an equal amount by taking the five minutes that it takes to take out the garbage and doing a couple dishes now and then. I don’t know how women who have been married for decades do it… divorce is not an option for us, but not having a true partnership is wearing thin on me.
I needed this today. I am two years into a fairytale marriage… well 85% of the time. Then there are nights like last night. Where tempers flare and before we know it yelling and verbal spears start being volleyed back and forth. Then you are laying in bed defeated back to your partner, knowing a restless night is ahead. He apologized and prayed for us but I was still angry. I didn’t get to speak my emotions and feelings… I had to swallow them in order to go to sleep for the workday. And that left me feeling drained and dark this morning. I love my husband. I love our life. But it’s days like today that make it hard. Thank you for sharing. I need the encouragement ❤️
I’ve been married for 4 months. In October we moved to TN. Neither of us have lived any where besides GA before. During covid times we got new jobs and due to keeping everyone safe…have celebrated my birthday, Thanksgiving, and now Christmas via FaceTime. Everyone advice is to make new traditions but honestly I miss family traditions. I don’t have any friends here and I’m certain I’m driving hubby crazy with my moods. Thank you for this article and making me feel a little closer to normal.
Hi….
I’m very apprehensive about posting this.. I’m not one to ask for help. Ever.
My husband and I have been married for a little bit less than a month. We always prided ourselves in the fact that we were able to talk our issues through. However now living together, I feel as if we bicker about every single thing.
Both my husband and I have been married before. His spouse cheated and my prior spouse was abusive. We got into this feeling like we ‘understood’ the things that could go wrong in a marriage… yet… now I feel like I’m on unchartered territory. I feel this isn’t normal, how can it be such little time and we bicker so much? What are we doing wrong?
I feel alone. I feel confused. And I feel sad. So very sad.
Hi Stephanie, thank you for sharing this post. It was incredibly encouraging, and I know so many women will be encouraged by it.
My marriage confession: I feel like a failure because I chose to separate from my husband within the first year of marriage. I had been feeling like aspects of his behavior towards me were toxic, and like he didnt want to address the specific things he was doing that were straining our marriage. Our pastor accused me of holding onto unforgiveness and therefore not understanding the gospel, which left me feeling devastated and even more unheard than before. He told me the reason I had left was because I didn’t understand that I was just as bad as my husband and my faith and endurance had run out as a result of it.
Out of this came a difficult yet beautiful season where I realized I needed a lot of healing from the areas where I was bringing toxic behaviors into our marriage as well. We are back together now, and our communication has improved so much, but we are still learning and fail at times. God has given me the strength and love I need to take it day by day, and to rest in His love and compassion for me has changed everything.
All this being said, I still struggle at times with feeling like such a failure and healing from the judgement I felt from the ministry I was connected to. I am still on my healing journey and I know God has and will continue to see me through. ❤️
Omg when I got married I was SHOCKED to learn it wasn’t anything like how I imagined. My husband is a great person, but I realized we have Completely different energy levels for example, I’m someone Who’s easily excitable and upbeat, he’s more mellow and doesn’t express himself. I never figured this out in dating because we would just see each other out on dates and would both be equally excited to see each other.
My marriage confessions:
-husband is not affectionate, The more I pry, the more reclusive he becomes.
-during my pregnany we only have sex 3 times because he was overly cautious. This severely dwindled our intimacy.
-we sleep in separate rooms most of the time because of snoring.
-very rarely do we go on dates, Most of the time we’re doing our own thing, because I refuse to be the planner And continually get rejected. So I just do my own thing until he decides to pursue, which could be a very long time.
We’ve been married for 2.5 years.