A few years back, Carl and I had some family friends in town to help us with some house projects. They’re best friend’s with Carl’s parents, and they’re the couple who did our pre-marital counseling and then married us. Chris was Carl’s youth pastor growing up, and he and his wife Amy have quickly become some of my favorite people.
Chris is a professional — well — everything when it comes to construction, and I was thrilled when he offered to help us with some house projects we had in mind.
On the list: Replacing our master bathroom door with a sliding barn door, and putting up some tile backsplash in our kitchen. I was SO excited to have their help.
For weeks leading up to them coming, I was pinning like crazy. White subway tile with white grout? Chevron pattern with grey grout. A white barn door, a dark brown barn door. I was trying to get a mental picture of the changes we were making to the house and trying to figure out what was best.
Dealing with Doubts
The night before Chris and Carl started on the projects, I began to have some doubts.
I was afraid I’d made the wrong decision — afraid the long, white subway tile would look terrible, afraid the barn door would change the look of our room for the worse.
I totally had cold feet, and I told them so. I was afraid of changing our house because I was afraid I’d never be able to change it back. I was afraid of committing to one decision because I was afraid it was the wrong one.
Chris laughed as he told me that if I really hated what they did, he would change it back for me. (An incredibly kind offer that I never would have accepted!)
And then he asked me, “Steph, are big decisions really this hard for you? How in the WORLD did you get married?”
Carl and I looked at each other and groaned before I said, “Only after MONTHS of tears and anxiety.”
And I totally wasn’t kidding.
When people start dating, and get engaged, and get married — all we see from the outside are the happy parts. We see the photos of the proposal, hear the funny stories about registering for gifts, and ask one more time to hear the story of how they met.
And those things are totally a part of mine and Carl’s story. His proposal was perfect, registering for gifts was fun and weird all at the same time (you’re shopping without money, and you don’t get to take anything home, but you can ask for whatever you want! Weird, and awesome, and weird.). We are so happy we found each other, and were SO excited to spend the rest of our lives together.
But that also wasn’t the full story.
Fear and anxiety
The full story is that in the time in between when we first talked about wanting to get married, and when Carl actually proposed to me, I started having the most intense, debilitating, insane anxiety I NEVER saw coming.
That’s a part of the story we rarely hear, right? And that’s why I want to tell this story today.
It turns out, my fear honestly had very little to do with Carl. My fear wasn’t pointing to any red flags about him, or about our relationship. My anxiety wasn’t telling me to run for the hills, or that I was about to make a bad decision. Trust me, I checked, and re-checked, and re-checked a thousand times.
I even signed myself up for therapy because I was convinced there was some dark side to our relationship that I just couldn’t see, or even if there wasn’t one, I just wanted a professional to come in and give me a second opinion.
But it wasn’t Carl, and it wasn’t our relationship.
My anxiety was coming from the fact that I was about to make the biggest, most permanent, most totally un-undoable decision of my entire life, and it was a decision I felt totally unqualified to make. (I also found out a few years later that I struggle with clinical anxiety, which would have been nice to know at the time!)
I felt unqualified because when I looked back at my past, there were several times I thought I’d found the one. My high school boyfriend proposed to me with a promise ring when we were seniors — I was sure I’d found the love of my life. And then it was my college boyfriend — the best relationship I’d ever had to that point. He had to be my husband, right? But neither of those relationships worked out. Then there were the jerks I thought I’d marry, and the fact that I was utterly convinced that Justin Timberlake would wise up and marry me instead of Jessica Biel.
My track record for picking a husband was a mess. Shakespeare said, “Love is blind,” and my past was proof.
So when Carl and I started to seriously talk about getting married, I started to freak out. I didn’t want my romantic heart to talk me into marrying him. I wanted to make a good decision, wanted to make the best decision possible.
It felt like I was getting a tattoo on my forehead, and I wanted to make darn sure it was the right one.
Which, of course caused months and months of the worst anxiety I’ve ever had.
The five words I needed to hear
Carl and I were on a date one time at a restaurant in Atlanta. We were sitting at the bar while we waited for our table, and as I looked at him, my heart started to beat faster. It beat faster and faster and my face grew hot, and my palms were sweaty, and he started to zoom in and out in my vision as my thoughts raced, “Is this my husband? How do I know? How does anyone know? Am I making a horrible decision? Is it too late to get out? Should I try to get out? How do I know? I can’t make this decision! How is anyone supposed to make this decision! It can’t be undone! What am I supposed to do?!”
I was positively freaking out. There was no other way to put it.
And the worst part of it, the thing I was more afraid of than getting married, was the idea that maybe the fact that I was anxious was a sign that I really was making a bad decision.
I looked around at the other engaged couples I knew. They looked like they were already loaded up, ready to ride off into the sunset together. Nobody else was scared, nobody else was anxious. It was just me, and that HAD to be a bad sign.
So I didn’t tell anyone. I just kept it in, because I was afraid if I let it out, someone would tell me not to marry him. I didn't want that, I didn't want to be told that. Because while I was afraid, I also madly in love with him, and really wanted to spend the rest of my life with him!
Finally, after months of this, I just couldn't keep it in anymore, and I decided to open up to my dear friend Chantell.
I knew I could trust her with this. I don't know why, I just did.
And so I told her the whole story. I told her exactly what I was afraid of, the exact thoughts that were going through my head. I told her everything bad I could possibly think of about Carl, just so she could tell me honestly if they were red flags. And I told her that I was afraid my anxiety was a bad sign.
And when I was done — when all of the messy thoughts had become words — she leaned over, gave me the tightest hug, and then said, “Steph, I was scared too.”
In that moment, something switched in my heart. Those five words were like a pin to my fear — piercing it and letting some of the air out, bringing it back down to size.
With those words she told me that I was normal. That truthfully, lots of people are scared of getting married, it’s just that nobody knows how to talk about it.
She told me that it makes SENSE to be afraid of getting married. It is a totally life-changing decision, and it’s a decision that we need to take really seriously!
And then she told me, having heard all of the bad things I could possibly think of about Carl, and knowing him like she did, that I was making a really good decision in choosing him. I really was. She told me, “The things you just told me are Carl being a person — not red-flags or reasons not to marry him. I know you know that, the reason they feel so big is because this is a big decision, and one you’ve never made before.”
She was totally right.
And with my fear deflated a bit, I could see him and our relationship more clearly than I ever had.
I started to look back over the last several months that Carl and I had together. I started to think of that moment in the restaurant, and the night in the Chipotle parking lot when I told him how scared I was to marry him, and the time in my apartment when we sat on the floor together while I sobbed for hours because I was so afraid. We sat on the floor (never mind the perfectly good couch nearby!) as I sobbed, and as he comforted, and as he wiped the drips of teary mascara that had made their way all the way down to my shoulders.
I remembered how patient he’d been with me — how no matter how hard I’d pushed, he’d never given up for even a second. The fact that even when I wasn’t sure we could do this marriage thing, he still was. How even with mascara on my shoulders, and even with words like, “I don’t know if I can marry you!” out on the table, he still wanted to marry me.
I realized that through my fear and anxiety and panic, I’d gotten to see the man Carl really is, and the husband he would be to me in times when life got really hard. He’d be there for me, see me, know me, understand me, listen to me, comfort me. He’d be strong when I just totally wasn’t. He’d love me no matter what.
And though that lens, I realized I knew exactly what I wanted to do. I wanted to marry him. I was really, really sure.
What I would tell my past self
Something I think about a lot is what I would say to myself if I could go back and give myself some advice at different points in my life. I think about what I would say, and then think about what it would have felt like to hear it at the time. (That’s why I love the verse Habakkuk 1:5 so much!)
But now, sitting several years into marriage, if I could go back and tell my tear-stained self something, it would be:
“Marry him. Marry him x100000. You will wake up every single day more amazed by the man he is than you were the day before. Marry him because this is his character — he will walk with you through the good days and the hard days, and some days he’ll totally just carry you. Marry him because the guy you think is your best friend is totally 100000% your best friend, and being married to him is just as much fun as you think it will be, but 10000X more. Marry him because how much you love him today will multiply exponentially over the next few years, and that’s only the beginning.”
Marrying Carl is hands-down the best decision I’ve ever made (next to following Jesus, but that’s the only one before it!). But it was absolutely the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make. Not because of Carl, but because marriage is a big, stinking deal, and I wanted to do it well.
You are not alone
I have a feeling that I’m not the only one who wrestled with that decision, or fear about getting married — in fact — you may be wrestling with it right now. And if you are, here’s what I want to tell you.
- You are not alone. Getting married is a really big decision, and one we want to make well. And so if your reaction to that decision is anxiety, you are totally not the only one, and it doesn’t automatically mean there is something wrong with your relationship. I promise!
- While it doesn’t mean there's something wrong with your relationship, I still would take some time to really think through the decision logically and with some people who can help you. For me, my anxiety didn’t mean I was making a bad choice, but sometimes it does. Sometimes we feel anxious because we are doing something that on some level we know isn’t right, or on some level we know we’re ignoring red flags.
While I didn’t find any, I’m still really glad I looked. Because love really makes us so blind, and this is a decision you don’t want to have to try to un-do. If you’re feeling afraid, or anxious, or even if you’re not — make sure you have some people in your life who can help you along the way. If your parents and friends have serious concerns about the person you’re marrying, it’s absolutely worth listening. This is a decision you really want to make with as much wisdom and support as possible.
Here are two blog posts that might be helpful as you think through this:
Here's one all about deal-breakers
Here's one all about how to figure out if you should marry this guy
And definitely listen to this podcast episode too!
- In the midst of your anxiety, and just in life in general, pay attention to how your boyfriend/fiancé treats you. Hard moments are an amazing time to see his character, what kind of man he is, a great way of seeing how he’ll handle hard situations in the future.
- Remember that this is a leap of faith. It really is! It’s one of those things where we need to make the wisest, most informed decision we possibly can, but we really don’t have any way of knowing what life will hold for us 5 years, or 50 years in. So once you’ve made your decision, grasp onto his hand, and jump together. Marriage is a wild ride, and a wonderful one. And if you have a great partner, it’s a journey beyond anything you could ever ask for or imagine.
- Last but not least, don't be afraid to ask for help. One of the things I did in the midst of my anxiety was to seek out a counselor, and I'm SO glad I did. You can do this as a couple, or you can seek counseling individually. But having an unbiased third party there to walk you through this is truly invaluable.
And if you're thinking, “I'd love to talk to a counselor about this, but I have no idea how to find one (or if I can afford one!),” click this link right here. I have a resource I'd love to share with you!
You're not alone in this, friend. And you don't have to figure this out on your own either. I hope those words are as comforting for you as I know they were for me.
Praying for abundant wisdom and peace for you today.
All my love,
Stephanie
P.S. Just in case you were wondering, we went ahead with the backsplash and barn door, and they turned out amazing. 🙂
P.P.S. If you want to hear the full story of how Carl and I met and how we knew each other was the one, check out this episode of my podcast –> How to know if he's “The One.” (We tell the full story together!).
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Such a good post!! ????????
This post is so, so good! I got married and didn’t feel anxiety at all (or so I thought). Looking back now, there were PLENTY of red flags. Unfortunately, I was faced with my worst fear and had to file for divorce. It’s been three years, and while I knew better, I remember feeling absolutely sure that this man I was to marry was the one for me. It’s amazing how our hearts and minds can struggle and combat each other. I definitely know what to look for, and I know NOT to ignore those red flags no matter how blindly in love I am. This just confirmed everything I thought and felt. Thank you!
Melissa Faye
Thanks Steph. Your authenticity and realness just put me at ease, and help me to realise that if it doesn’t feel, and look like you imagined it would be , doesnt mean its flawed. I m at that stage of having dated for over a year and knowing a decision needs to be made soon, and my thoughts can make me super anxious. Thisb gives me perpspective. Thank you for being courageous and inspiring others to be the same xx
Hi Deborah,
I’m in the same boat. It’s been two years with my boyfriend and I know a decision needs to be made in the near future. I’m completely overthinking the future and overwhelmed with anxiety. I had created a two year timeline a really long time ago and now that I’m here I’m completely overwhelmed with so many questions: How do I know when the time is right? Will everything be okay once I’m married? Is my boyfriend my “soulmate”?
It’s an intense stage in life and something I wish people talked more about. Steph’s post has been the most comforting thing during my current bout of anxiety/depression regarding the future.
-Courtney
Thanks for sharing Courtney. Wow, it’s comforting in some way to know there are others with you in the same or similar boat. I think ambivalence is the hardest space to find yourself in. I often think if this is the Lord, wouldn’t I have that certainty by now. It would be great if Steph could assist with any posts on navigating yourself courageously through this uncertain period to eventually make a decision especially when all your greatest fears are shouting at you.
Hi! I was wondering how you are doing? I was going through the same thing and I still feel anxious on some days, but before it was really bad. Steph’s post really helped me too.
Hi Deborah,
How have you been doing since you wrote this? I go through ebbs and flows of anxiety regarding my future and right now my anxiety is stemming from the thought that this anxiety means that I’m with the wrong person. But, on the flip side, the thought of losing my boyfriend is absolutely terrifying and literally makes me sick. I just wish I knew people who can relate to this. I feel so alone and scared. Any advice with your experience would be great. I keep coming back to Steph’s post because it makes me feel somewhat okay in how I’m feeling.
So comforting to know others are experiencing this. I would love to chat more with others in the same situation.
Yes, yes, yes. I too was so worried that my anxiety was a bad omen. But whenever I considered not marrying my fiance and letting go of our relationship, I would automatically begin to cry! I knew I didn’t want to lose it, and that realization alone showed me I was making the right choice. I too had to come to grips with the fact that the future would always be unknown and that marriage was indeed a leap of faith. But I knew it was one I wanted to take with my fiance. I also had to realize, like you, that any red flags I saw were signs of his human-ness and that I had plenty of human flaws too. I wish I had had something like your post to read during my engagement, so thank you for writing this!
Oh Stephanie, I cannot tell you how excited I got to read this post when I saw the title. I follow two blogs consistently – one being yours because of the authenticity of your writing. I cannot thank you enough for writing about this, I really did think I was the only one who felt like this! I married an amazing man about 6 months ago, and wrestled and wrestled with anxiety throughout our engagement. We went through pre marital counseling and this eased my mind some, but I couldn’t wrap my head about the severity of the commitment I was about to make it and completely freaked me out! Now being on the other side and happily married, I completely know I made the right decision, but in the moment of fear and doubt and so much anxiety it will make your head spin, I did not know how to cope. Thank you for being authentic with this post and I can guarantee that there are more girls reading this who are beyond thankful you are writing about it. These kinds of posts are my absolute FAVE to read!
Curious. What’s the other blog?
Thank you Stephanie!
I’m getting married in a week, and I stumbled onto this post just in time. I’ve been feeling so anxious and have been considering just running off. I worry that my fiancé will take me places I don’t want to go, and But when I think about walking away from my fiancé, I know that’s the most irrational decision I could make. It’s comforting to know I’m not alone!
You’re not alone at all! I assume since you posted this last week, your wedding is in just two days now!
I do not know you, but I will pray for strength and calmness for you on your day! Take this leap of faith and learn the love God has for us through your marriage. That is his design after all!
Many blessings to you and this new season of your life.
Thank you SO much for your transparency about your experiences. I am on the path to be married in 6 months! I am nervous, excited, terrified; a roller coaster of emotions! For months I felt so anxious, constantly crying because I felt as though because I was nervous for marriage that it meant I wasn’t with the right person.
Posts like this, help me feel normal & like I am not the only person to feel this way.
So happy I stumbled upon your blog and this post. To be honest, I started crying while reading this. I’ve been with my boyfriend for over two years and everyone in our life is asking about when we will get engaged and it TERRIFIES me! I’m so scared that I’d make the wrong decision. Like you, all I hear from engaged couples is how happy they are and how perfect their relationship appears to be. I’m so incredibly scared of failure–it has caused years of anxiety and depression for me so the thought of making a wrong decision is scary. But at the same time, I cannot imagine my life without my boyfriend–he has brightened up my life in so many ways and I believe he was brought to me for a reason! Thanks for such a honest post; it’s something I’m going through and it helps to hear a similar experience. Xx.
Did going to therapy help? I’m in a similar position and I’m so scared of going to therapy for fear that they will tell me not to marry him because besides my fears and anxiety about marrying him, i don’t want to be told not to marry him. I love him deeply and don’t want to think of life without him. he has seen me ugly cry and tell him how scared I am and how I fear we won’t work out for some reason and he is always so patient and calm and always tells me it will work out the way it supposed to. you would think this would scare him and make him run but he’s never had a doubt in his mind and he stays through my emotional instability.
I had to reply to your post. This is so me. My fiance has been nothing but patient as I worry my way through our relationship! I’m definitely looking at therapy despite being terrified they will unearth some reason not to get married. When I don’t think / worry and just feel, it feels so right but my mind is determined to mess with me.
You are not alone. So many of us in the same boat! We need a fb group to encourage each other!
Hey J,
Had to reply to you. I am LITERALLY in the same exact boat, but I made the plunge to start going to therapy, and I am so so so relieved. Before I started going, I would literally feel SICK even thinking about breaking up with him. I literally stopped myself from telling anyone or going to therapy because I was scared of what they would tell me, and to be honest, I still sometimes hear that voice in my head. And that’s okay.
But no one has told me to break up with him. In fact, the just continued to disprove my anxious thoughts.
Internally, this comes from a place of not knowing the future. Not having the answers. Not knowing if this is the right decision. And all of this stems from anxiety. The fact you are SCARED that someone is going to tell you to break up with him, means that you love him, right?
Our minds have a horrible way of tricking our feelings and making it seem a reality. If you love your partner, if there are no red flags (beats you, emotionally abusive, etc. etc.) then you have nothing to worry about.
I suggest going to therapy and being more open with your friends and family. And really really being honest. It’ okay. You will be okay no matter what, I promise.
So, my. And is also Stephanie!! Fun right?! I can’t tell you or begin to express how grateful I am that you wrote this. My fiancé is in the military and has been my best friend for 3 years (friends for 7) but I didn’t start feeling insane, stomach turning, hyperventilating, can’t breathe anxiety until after we started wedding planning. I get married in two weeks AND I’m moving to a whole new state to be with him. Though, I think my anxiety is justified I am still so scared to get married, which is not at all because of him. It is such a huge commitment but he’s such an incredible man and loves me so much. He is so patient and has such a huge heart. I don’t want to spend my life with anyone else. I still can’t shake the feeling of anxiety but I’m also a very anxious person. Whenever I feel like running away, I come back to this post and realize that it is going to be just fine and I always get like this before a big decision. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. For helping put me at ease even for a moment. I’m so grateful for your beautiful soul and knowing I’m not alone in this.
All the love,
Future mrs. Davis
Thank you SO much for sharing this. I struggle with fear and I am working through that with God (and a counselor). I am seriously dating someone and I have anxiety about getting married sometimes because, like you, I want to make sure I’m doing right!I always thought having doubt meant something was wrong. But that’s not always the case. Of course, I’m being wise and discerning, but this blog was such a comfort to read. Thank you!
Thank goodness for this article! I’m getting married in August but am feeling very anxious. I’ve been anxious through most of the relationship despite being very happy with my partner. Maybe it’s a lack of trust in my own judgment and I’m a terrible ruminator / worrier which obviously doesn’t help! It’s good to know it’s normal to feel nervous about such a big decision. Thank you.
Hi Laura, hows marriage life going? Hows your anxiety now that you’re on the other side of the relationship (marriage)
I know the feeling! I am getting married in March and I am currently living in a different country to my fiancé. I have not started any of the wedding plans as yet as I am so nervous about making the wrong decision. I get this pit in the middle of my stomach whenever we talk about anything wedding????! I used to wonder if this is a sign that I am making the biggest mistake of my life. I am a chronic worried and have been asking God for guidance, as I don’t want to lose him as he is a wonderful man and I can’t imagine my life without him, even after living almost for a year in two different countries. Your blog really helped me gain perspective. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.
Hi Candice, just wondering how everything turned out for you? I am feeling the same way and I am getting married in a month…
Oh what comfort this article has brought me, Steph. Thank you so much for your honesty and transparency. Who knew this could be an issue for so many people? I certainly thought it was only me. My fiancé and I still have 11 months until our wedding, but recently I have been in a complete anxiety ridden cloud that seemed impossible to get out of. Knowing that I am not alone is such a relief. My anxiety made me question my relationship with God, if I was capable of actually being a good wife, if I was too young to get married, if it was Gods will, and even if because of this anxiety it meant I was losing feelings for my significant other. I just couldn’t put a finger on it but I was desperate for answers! This post brought so much clarity. Thank you God for giving Steph the wisdom to write this! I can’t wait to get married!!!!
Thank you so much for posting this! I got engaged to the love of my life a couple of months ago, and have recently begun having soooo much anxiety as we progress through our short engagement towards the wedding day. I feel exactly the way you describe feeling in your post, and so alone! I know my fiancé is the one for me, and yet there is a lot of looming uncertainty about a whole life time together, and coming to terms with that has been much harder than I anticipated. I also feel guilty and ashamed to be having these feelings since I’ve never heard anyone express any uncertainty while engaged, ever. I really appreciate the courage it took to write this article. I think I’m going to read it like a dozen times in the next few months!
I’m getting married in a month and after more than a year of being paralyzed with anxiety and then going to therapy and not really understanding my fear (I also had a similar occurrence with my therapist about my fiancé and I!) I finally just googled “anxiety about getting married” and stumbled across this post. It is so nice to know I’m not alone and your words brought so much clarity. Thank you so much!
Bonnie,
How are you now? I am getting married in October and am going through these feelings too. I’d love to hear how you got out of the anxiety.
Hi Bonnie, I just wanted to hear life after being married now? I would love to hear how you feel now post wedding.
Thank God for this post!! I’m going through the same thing. My fiancé and I have been together for 6 years and are getting married in a month. My anxiety and panic have come and gone throughout our year of wedding planning. It doesn’t help that I’m a worrier by nature– seeing a therapist has helped, but I’m still prone to overthinking/worrying. He’s a wonderful man — kind, patient, funny, hardworking, and there aren’t any red flags. But still! Overall wedding planning has been fun, but every so often during the past year I’ll have a few days or a week where I’m just full of anxiety over this HUGE decision. What if he’s not THE one? What if I’m supposed to marry someone else? It don’t get butterflies anymore when I see him, is that a bad sign? Things like that. I’ve talked to my therapist about it and he’s assured me that it’s normal to feel how we all feel, and it’d also normal to compare yourself to other engaged couples and assume that everything is perfect between them. I have even made a list of the pros and cons of my fiancé as a person. It really helped because when I looked at the cons, I had to laugh because they were completely ridiculous and not worth calling off a wedding for. Thank your for making me feel like I’m not alone in pre-marriage anxiety!!!
I wish I could just sit down and talk to you. I feel like a loaded spring
This post was just what I needed. I cried as I read your experience since I’ve been feeling the same anxiety. But it also reminded me of how wonderful my fiancé is. I’m bookmarking this post because I know I’ll need to reread it.
Thank you so much. Just what I needed.
Thanks for being the friend I was looking for.
Thank you so much for being vulnerability enough to share this. I am in this exact situation. I am in my thirties and dating a wonderful man that treats me like gold. He’s seriously everything I’ve always prayed for. Yet we are approaching the year mark and every time we talk about marriage I fall into an anxious tail spin. There are no red flags with him. I’ve always dealt with anxiety and overthinking. Even through our whole dating season. I’ve been praying for peace and clarity 🙂
Hi! I am in the same boat, I am very anxious about the whole wedding. I woke up this morning and I felt sick to my stomach about getting married. I suffer from anxiety generally and adding marriage in to the mix isn’t helping me at all. I love my boyfriend to bits and he’s a hopeless romantic whereas am totally the opposite hence I get a little worried but he’s soo understanding and caring. I don’t know how to get rid of the feeling! I want to marry him but am the same time I don’t!!! I feel soo anxious, feel like crying. Help meee
[…] Stephanie’s blog post about being anxious before getting married […]
Wow I really really really really needed this. Shedding some tears right now. Thank you for writing this, and for your witness to Christ!
Oh my goodness. Thank you so much. I’m balling my eyes out to finally feel relieved. I feel like you just gave me a big hug and said it’s all going to be okay. Your words were certainly sent to me by God today. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
I’m so glad I found this. I have been dealing with more anxiety than I have ever dealt with before since being engaged. I dribbled across this post and it has brought so much relief that nothing is “wrong” with me. I’m used to hearing of the lovey dovey fairytale engagements and I’m over here gasping for air every time I think about it. Thank you for sharing your heart. It has definitely relieved some fear.
I would like to take a moment to say thank you. I got engaged on Saturday and woke up with so many “what if…?” questions this morning. I found this post and it really spoke to me.
Thank you for being so honest with your thoughts and feelings, I needed to hear that today.
I am not even engaged yet, but when the conversation comes up about marriage, I feel so anxious. It’s debilitating and I feel like I could cry, vomit, and scream. I’m so scared. I’m so happy with my boyfriend. I do want to marry him, but every time it gets brought up, I get anxious. I know I want to be with him. It’s not him, and I’m sure of my feelings for him. I cry because I wish I didn’t get anxiety. This article is so comforting. I cannot explain why this happens to me, but I definitely feel that this article gave me strength and a more positive outlook. Thank you. I will continue to pray to God about my anxieties.
I’m so grateful for this post! I’ve been feeling anxiety about the “marriage” word. Coming from a singlenprent household and my past experiences, it’s hard to phantom that marriage is something for me and that I’m capable of. Thank you! More women (and men) should talk about this!
Thank you. God sent you my way at the right time. Thank you all for letting me know I’m not alone. We are blessed !
You just saved me! I cannot thank you enough for sharing this with the world! I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years and he is everything I want and more and the more he talks about marriage the more I go into full on panic mode and it was crippling! Your post is the answer I have been praying for! Thank you SO VERY much!!!! God bless you!
Thank you so much… I really needed to read this!!!!!
Wow…. Thank you so much fir writing this post ! Thank God I stumbled across it. I have been engaged for a month now to a wonderful man. Ladies… I probably spend about 2 days a week crying to my mom about how im scared im not Actuallyyyy in love with this man and that im making the biggest mistake. But my mom will always helps me navigate my feelings and then ill feel better and totally in love again!!!!. … then bam 5 days later it all starts over again! My Fiance had witnessed one of my anxiety attacks recently, and he was so sweet and understanding…which funny enough, makes made me fall deeper in love with him. Oye. Poor man. Long stort short I WILL be marrying him ! But I dont look forward to these next few months where my brain will go back and forth a million times 🙁
Hi Bonnie, I am in such a similar situation to you!! Did the anxiety finally clear up after you got married? I am getting married next month and I have spent over a year paralyzed by anxiety too! Any advice/experience of yours would help. Thank you!!
Wow. I am so blessed to read this post along with all of the comments. I have been in a relationship with a wonderful, godly man for 1.5 years and I have had bought of terrible anxiety on and off. I feel like we are moving toward marriage and we feel we need to make a decision soon. We are 40 and 46 and have never been married so I think this has made it much harder to take the leap! I have been going to counseling and checking and re checking with mentors in my life. I feel like clarity is coming over over time as I submit the episodes to the Lord and listen for that still small voice. I think that if I were making a mistake or this were a bad guy for me, the Lord would have told me by now. And even despite hiccups, overall we are moving forward and our connection has deepened and the Lord is bringing breakthrough in some of our areas of difference. Id be very interested in hearing from Deborah and Courtney and other ladies that posted here a while back to here if they decided to take the leap and marry and how it has gone for them. How does the anxiety look on the other end?
I am 35 and getting ready to marry a man I have been with for 13 years. And I am terrified. Mostly because I am afraid of change. Like big time afraid of change. And I love this type of advice and need it at times. Is there a way to subscribe to these posts?
I am so thankful for this post and all the comments! My fiancé and I had been dating for five years and I bugged him about getting married for the last three years… and then when he finally proposed I COMPLETELY freaked out. More anxiety than I’ve ever experienced. I was so freaked that I assumed it was all wrong, but at the same time it still feels right! I was sure it was just me… everyone else always seems so happy and “sure” that they have found the right one. They say you “just know,” but I’ve honestly learned to dislike that phrase so much! He has been so patient with me it is unbelievable. I feel so lucky to have someone who can let me fall apart. It’s still hard though! The questions are still there and come and go. “Why do I feel this way?” “Is this wrong?” “Am I ignoring God?” “Am I not listening to myself?” “Why does this not feel ‘perfect?’” It’s exhausting. This post was sooo encouraging. I would encourage all of us… it’s so easy to want to hear how everyone else “turned out” now that they’re married… but let us remember that all of our stories are unique and different! Trust and look to God… don’t base your possible ending off of someone else. Easier said then done ????????♀️ Last thought: I try and remind myself daily that getting married is really about creating a clearer picture of who God is. When God is the focus of the relationship it grows so much more. When we just look to each other and don’t include God… there is not nearly as much room for growth ???? Again, easier said than done ???? I would LOVE to have a Facebook group if there isn’t one already!!
I relate to every piece of this. I’ve been struggling so much with thoughts that are irrational and crazy. My fiance is the kindest man. Patient (soooo very patient). Full of integrity. Hard working. Focused on family. Financially wise… I have looked and looked and I don’t have red flags. I’m just scared that I’m so scared. Thinking it must mean something is wrong… I lose my mind, freak out and WEEP and he holds me, breathes with me, and prays.
I was so encouraged reading this post…. and everyone’s replies. We aren’t getting married for another 7 months and I just want to skip through them so fast. But someone wise told me that this time is simply an invitation to press into the Lord…. to learn to trust God and to continue to learn to not expect my husband to be everything to me. I read a post called Marry The Man Who Stays (https://phyliciamasonheimer.com/marry-man-stays/) that has also been encouraging me.
If there’s a facebook group, I’m in.
Thank you Stephanie- for your leadership in authenticity and your willingness to share the hard stuff. We love you.
Hi everyone! I noticed it’s not any male comments, so I’m excited to be the first. To read everyone’s comments including the OP, it’s very helpful and very reassuring. I’ll give my story. My wife and I have been married for a little over a year now. We dated for 2.5 years. I knew I wanted to be with her, but once we got engaged and the date got closer I started to lose my mind. It’s funny cause I never had any doubts until things were about to serious (even though that’s what I wanted). We get married and for the first two months I’m good. Shortly after I began to have panic and anxiety attacks which turned into a deep depression (sort of like a trapped feeling). I started to question absolutely everything. So many “what ifs” started uncontrollably. things like can I love her forever, will she love forever, what we change, what if we hate each other one day etc. Point blank, “forever” scared me (it still does). Again I never thought these things. I’m guessing the magnitude of marriage definitely shook me. And you know you can’t tell someone that you’re reacting this way because they will tell you that you married the wrong person, you should be happy, yada yada yada. As of this day, I don’t have have any more attacks, but the anxiety comes and goes. In a way, all of this has made me closer to her cause I have convinced myself that this will pass and this is just a get big adjustment. I look at where I was last year and how much I cried and depressed I was and thought divorce almost all the time. The fear of divorce also played a role. It’s not something I want, but it lingers for some odd reason cause it seems like such a possibility given the crazy rate. Thank God that thought has subsided a lot! What has got me this far is that I know that I wouldn’t have married her if I didn’t want to. I remind myself that everyday. I remind myself the sacrifices she made. I was also told that don’t make any decisions while being depressed cause that’s not the real you. So for me, shit just got real and I wasn’t ready and I was probably never gonna be ready. But everyday I make an effort and I will continue to cause I know I have something special and I don’t lose it. I have a friend who’s been married for 8 years and he told me his first two years he just wanted to get away. Not cause of her just cause of the forever aspect. He’s doing well. I have another friend who’s female and she told me that the first three years were a nightmare and she hated her husband better she’s felt trapped. She’s doing just fine. So to everyone out there, hang in there. We got this. We love our spouses.
Thank you for this post! My boyfriend and I started talking about marriage a few months ago and I’ve never been more excited, but as we try on engagement rings and talk more about our wedding, future, etc. I have ranged from ecstatic to tears rolling down my cheeks anxious. Not because I don’t want to marry him or because they’re are red flags, but because I too am super afraid of change and it’s a huge decision. I thought I was alone and glad I’m not!
Thank you. This helped so much.
Thank you so much for writing this! I recently got engaged in a nontraditional way (no proposal, just an agreement, and a discussion that we would pick a ring out soon- read lots of similar stories on this part of my engagement that made me less hesitant to share that part of my story!) and I feel like my closest confidants, the ones that I trusted with my anxiety about my relationship can only see the anxiety I had, they can’t see all the joy. The anxiety wasn’t about him, or our relationship, it was about me! and once I learned what it was and how I needed to manage it (and what my SO could do to help me manage it, which he graciously and happily did!) it was like the balloon lost all its air. I swear I feel like I could have written this same blog post! Thanks again for sharing!
WOW. This is just what I needed as I am wiping another round of (secret) tears away and thinking SO many of the same thoughts as you were pre-marriage. Big decisions ARE so scary. What the future holds is not something I can control and I think that’s part of what adds to the fear. Thank you for this article. I feel so much better knowing these emotions and fears are indeed common. I feel confident that opening up to a close friend or family member about my honest fears is a good choice! To feel like I have other women feeling the same way I am takes a huge weight off my shoulders. Thank you again.
I literally thought I was the only one!! Thank you for being so transparent and giving me a sense of hope even in my anxiety !!
This post has come at the perfect time. My boyfriend and I have been together for a year (after being good friends for a while before this). Two months in I started to suspect that he was the one I would marry. I felt so comfortable and confident in this. We have started looking at rings, now Ive started to feel super anxious the last few days. No red flags; just scared of the life long decision and divorce rate. (Though I will definitely talk with my therapist about this- just to double check!) This post is so helpful and makes so much sense! I talked with him about it and he is so sweet and understanding. I also remembered that I felt anxious when we transitioned from friends to a couple. For about one or two weeks I felt SUPER anxious- was I making a mistake? Would I lose our friendship? Would he end up being nothing like I though? Etc etc. Those fears disappeared and I have felt incredibly calm in our relationship- until the ring shopping! Maybe it’s just a normal part of big change? Thank you for the post! And the comments!!
I’m so glad I read this, exactly what I’m going through right now, fears, doubts and cold feet, with this write up of yours, I was able to analyze the situation in my head, answered the questions you also answered in my heart and now I feel better knowing I’m not alone and I’ve made my decision tho the fear is still there, fears of the unknown but I believe it will go with time, once again…… Thank you
I can totally relate! Thanks so much for writing this. I experienced a lot of anxiety surrounding getting married, and worrying about “messing up and not doing God’s will.” I am so glad that I pushed through the anxiety and worry. I love my husband so much–he is wonderful. We have faced many very difficult challenges together since marriage, but I think marrying him was one of the best decisions I ever made.
Thank you so much for this. It’s exactly what I needed to hear that someone went through what I’m going through now. It truly makes sense for me to marry him, and there are no red flags. I have felt good about it mostly, and then there are times when I have a lot of fear. The anxiety I feel is not due to it not being right, or at least I believe that. And just like you said I have expressed this anxiety to him and have had breakdowns and he has comforted me in the kindest way. I can see this is how he would help me through our hard times in the future. I am so glad I am not alone dealing with this!
This. is. AMAZING. You pinpointed exactly how I’ve been feeling. Thank you so much for writing this article, it’s so awesome. So so encouraging. I’ve been thinking of writing something like this too, but once I get this engagement thing figured out haha.
Exactly what I felt. Thank you sooooooooooooo much for this post.
I cannot tell you how much this post resonated with me. After we got engaged, I came down with the worst anxiety I’ve ever experienced. My fiancé has been there through all of it understanding (honestly I don’t know how). Nobody talks about the stress of making huge life changes and being engaged. But life isn’t a Disney princess story. My anxiety abided, but now with COVID-19 and my wedding being in this flux state, it all came back. Reading this post helped me put it all back into perspective and calm down. Thank you!
Thank you Steph, I am currently at this cross road. It is refreshing to know that I am normal. Most definitely I am gonna reflect and put it all in perspective.
Stephanie,. Thank you! Only two months away from my wedding, I’m so thankful to read this! I’m so excited and thankful and GOD is incredibly Good! I also can’t deny that loading up my entire bedroom and moving to a new state alomg with the new experience of marriage brings a lil anxiety. So I’m thankful that through you, the LORD spoke to my heart and reminded me that it’s all okay!
And just a side note to anyone feeling anxious about your upcoming marriage, Above all seek the LORD. HE can make it clear if it is HIS will or no. GOD bless:)
Great information thanks for sharing this information
[…] visas, saying your marriage vows, and then abiding by them, does not in any way cause you to be anxious or unsure, then it’s fair to say, even if you did not realize it, marriage has been on the cards […]