I’ve had what I call a ‘quiet time’ almost every morning for the last two and a half years. Come rain or shine or 5am wake up call, I’m up, with my Bible and my journal (now my computer), spending time with Jesus.
You can tell if I haven’t done this because I tend to fall apart somewhere around lunchtime. Somewhere along the way, my mustered up patience runs out and my unwavering confidence is washed away in a flood of doubt and fear as I realize I have very little control over the circumstances in my life.
I NEED this time- time with Jesus each morning to pray through things that are on my mind.
Sometimes it feels like going to a gas station and filling up with the things that I need for the day.
More often it carries the same kind of satisfaction as cleaning out your closet. The relief of taking the clothes that have been cluttering up your life and giving them away- to someone who can actually do something with them.
My quiet times each morning are a time of cleansing. A time of lifting weights off of my shoulders and dumping them in front of God- admitting with a bit of a blush and TONS of relief, that I just can’t handle things on my own.
Over the past two years, God has become my best friend. He’s been the first one to hear about my triumphs and my total failures. He’s been the one to listen as I’ve talked endlessly about jobs and boys and friends and decisions.
In this past year I’ve been learning a ton about prayer and about the power of prayer… but to me, my quiet times each morning don’t feel like prayer. They feel like a much-needed coffee date with my Best Friend and Father- the ones who can actually HELP me with whatever mess I’m mucking through.
But every once in awhile, the quiet times that I love so much, get twisted.
Every once in awhile, the heart behind my steadfast insistence on this time gets skewed and it ruins everything.
Quiet times become an obligation.
They become religious.
When I came home from my first mission trip to Costa Rica, I made some really concrete rules for myself. Rules about boys and drinking- officially and forever sweeping away habits and behaviors that had been hurting me for a long time.
And seeing that as a successful re-entry strategy- as I came home from the race, I tried to do the same thing.
An hour quiet time each day- NO looking at my cell phone at ALL before I talk to Jesus.
No internet past 10pm.
No television. It’s a waste of time.
I will spend an hour a day worshipping.
These are the kinds of rules I began to set for myself as I prepared to come home. These are the kinds of things that I thought would keep me on the path I had put myself on.
But the thing that I didn’t anticipate was that this just wasn’t going to work.
First of all- the change that happened in me this year had absolutely nothing to do with discipline, laws or religion.
The change that occurred in me this year came 100% out of the loving and intimate relationship that Jesus and I got to spend this year cultivating.
It was through my EXPERIENCE of Him, my intimacy with Him, those times in the middle of the night when I was crying and He was right there with me- THAT is what changed my heart so dramatically.
Not rules.
Not laws.
Not religion.
And the other thing that I didn’t anticipate was that I just suck at following my own rules.
My alarm clock is on my phone- so naturally- first thing in the morning, I pick up my phone. And sometimes, I put Jesus on hold for 10-15 minutes as I groggily respond to text messages and rub the sleep from my eyes.
I absolutely have used the internet past 10pm. No excuses… just fact. It happens.
I didn’t anticipate the fact that the Olympics would be going for the first two weeks of me being home, and if I’m not mistaken- that counts as TV- totally destroying my TV regulation.
And if I were God, I most certainly would not want to be ‘worshipped’ for an hour a day out of obligation. Obligation and regulation and law and religion is like oil to worship’s pure and sweet water. It just doesn’t work like that.
It’s funny because although I didn’t anticipate this ‘self-motivation/control strategy’ to fail… God did.
Romans 3:20 says, “Therefore no one will be declared righteous in his sight by observing the law; rather, through the law we become conscious of sin.”
And if that’s not the truth, I don’t know what is.
I have been more conscious than ever in these past few weeks of my own shortcomings. I’m not as committed as I wish I was, I’m not as steadfast in my discipline as I want to be, and for crying out loud, sometimes I watch TV!
But what I realized is that these are laws that I put on myself- they’re not from God at all.
And so in falling short of them (which He knew I’d do), I’m not disappointing Him, but rather myself.
And to further destroy my method of operation, it’s not rules and law and religion that changes us anyway!
It’s love and grace and relationship and freedom.
“The righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.”
~Romans 4:22-24
And so instead of limiting myself, restricting myself, placing laws over my life and punishing myself when I fall short of them… all I need to do is believe and know the One in whom I’ve placed my faith.
And THAT’S what my quiet times are about- getting to know His heart. Not proving that I’m disciplined.
Spending time with Him because I love him and because I trust him and want to love and trust Him more- not trying to earn good standing in His eyes (or even worse- my own.)
“It’s for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.”
~Galatians 5:1
I’ve been set free for freedom. I’ve been set free from hurt and pain and wounds and mess for the sake of freedom- to live freely as a daughter who has been redeemed and chosen and who is loved above all else.
It’s not for religion, it’s not so that I can prove something and it’s definitely not so that I can fulfill my understanding of the law (or my self-imposed law) perfectly.
It’s for freedom.
And so to celebrate this… I had a quiet time this morning, but it looked a little bit different.
Instead of restricting myself to what I’ve done for the past two and a half years, instead of requiring something of myself (something that was my idea, not God’s,) I threw out the rulebook.
I took my beach cruiser out for a spin and spent an hour riding around my neighborhood.
And as I was flying down the hills, the cool morning air whipping my hair back, laughing with Jesus and just BEING with him, I felt exactly what I was supposed to feeling in the quiet of the morning.
Free.
mmmmm beautiful.
Absolutely stunningly beautiful.
Awesome. Love this. Been walking through similar things. God’s so good!
EXACTLY! I could have written this same blog. I’m right >< with you! AMEN and AMEN!!!! Sharing
P.s. Check out Anthony Chapman’s sermon series “A New Covenant- The Truth About Freedom.” It’s riiiiiiiiiiiiidiculous and I’m loving it.
man, Christian knows what he is talking about. You are legit girl. Pumped for the community to have you down in Gainesvegas
Hi Stephanie, I am a campus representative, being in ministry on a college campus. Occasionally, pastors come along on the plaza “preaching” the word of God. However, regardless of their purpose, I see more hatred, judgment, and accusations from them rather than them being a reflection of His love. I cannot and will not question their faith. But to hear half of what they say, that God is disappointed in His people because we are terrible disciples and failures in saving the world, that they NEVER sin at all and are God’s preferred people, their works are higher to God and not just faith, the cross is not enough, etc. I was writing all my arguments with scripture against all their claims and found this site when I searching google for additional references. Reading half of what you wrote strengthened so many biblical points, that we (christians) do what we do NOT to prove anything to the world nor fulfill an obligation, and that we are NOT disappointing Him. We are His children, we are free, we are cleansed from sin, we are perfect in His eyes, He will never let go.
I pray that these “plaza pastors” understand those truths in their teachings to college students throughout the country, many who do not know Christ, and teach about Christ’s love and to know Him rather than accuse people of sinning, trying to make people feel guilt, and overall just being full of anger (and ignorance). You are a blessed teacher and a gift onto others. Thank you for your wisdom that you’ve shared online for others to read, Christ has given you a great gift and purpose. I am new to ministry and to this campus. That is why I had to google some points and use some of your points for further arguments and teachings of my own for college students, Thank you so much. You are such a great sister in Christ. I do not know you and more than likely will never see you, but I will see you in Heaven with out Lord and Savior. God Bless
“God will destroy all you sinners because you have evil hearts. Even if you are a Chritian if you continue to sin, you will go to hell” – Plaza street pastor to a group of at least 50 college students
“God hates sin, but wants people to be saved. He wants to embrace His love onto others. He has commanded us to love out enemies. I am His child. I sin, I do not want to, but I am still human…but I am not enslaved to sin. I had an unpayable debt, but His sacrifice on the cross is what made me clean. My faith is all I need, my actions will follow – Me in response to his statement written above
1. Wow. If the comment above isn’t enough confirmation of this calling you have, you need more coffee!
2. Can I just say ditto to my comment on your last post? I think it’s possible we are living the same life down to the lessons learned :)- just a decade or so apart. I can’t wait to see what you (we) learn next !:)
that’s fantastic. I can’t think of anyone I’d rather learn with! 🙂
I love your transparency and honesty its beautifully comforting as I read I had to smile and think about how I’m exactly the same in the morning I use my phone alarm I check messeges on it then its like oh ok bible, prayer, mediatation (from devotional or book of quotes), affirmations, ponder them live the goal for the day then I’m up. Being able to relate to something will always be the most encouraging, love this post hun 🙂