Do you have a bucket list?
Things that you have always wanted to do, little dreams, huge dreams, unrealistic dreams, probable dreams?
I do.
And if I’m going to be completely honest, one of the biggest things on my bucket list, my dreams list, is to get married.
Now, if you ARE married or are about to be, you’re probably making an ‘aww face’ and then looking over at your spouse or fiancé with a knowing ‘aren’t we lucky’ look.
If you’re NOT married or engaged and especially if you’re not even dating anybody, you’re probably looking at me like a traitor.
I would be too.
See, here’s the thing I’ve been noticing recently.
If Facebook and conversations with your girlfriends and emails and text messages were like the New York Times, ‘Marriage’ would be the topic splashed across every headline.
I don’t know if it’s the boom of Pinterest, or just the fact that I’m officially a ‘twenty-something,’ but it seems like Marriage and Weddings are topics that I just can’t escape.
And to be honest, I’m not often complaining about that.
I love Pinterest, and although I refuse (on principle) to make a ‘Wedding board’ before I’m even officially dating someone, I’m not going to lie to you and say that I haven’t looked.
My friends and I ‘ooh and ahh’ over dresses and rings and that adorable picture of the guy doing a victorious fist pump as he kisses his new wife.
I have happily discussed details and heard proposal stories from several friends that are barreling towards marital bliss, and have dutifully bought the bridesmaids dresses, the shoes, the gifts, and stalked wedding photos on Facebook- like a good friend would.
But there’s something about this wedding fever, something that’s irritating and insecurity-inducing.
It’s the pressure.
Have you ever been sitting in the movie theater, watching a chick flick when the plot gets to the very end and the main characters have their final, climactic kiss? It’s like every moment in the entire movie has been leading up to that one magical moment where the world stops, the background goes blurry, and their lips meet.
But have you ever noticed what else happens in those moments?
It seems like everyone else around them kisses too!
It’s like the romance and the passion from that one kiss spreads like an atomic bomb over the rest of the crowd and everyone’s overcome.
The old people grab each other in (awkward) passionate embraces. The hot dog vender grabs the single mom in the stands and dips her in a kiss. Everyone is overwhelmed by passion and must have a moment where they think, “if they’re doing it, maybe we should too.”
This can be an awkward moment for you, depending on who you decided to see the movie with. Because inevitably, the passion slips off the screen and that’s the moment during the first date where you think, “should we be kissing too?” This dynamic changes a bit if you’re at the movie with your parents.
But that’s the thing I’ve been noticing about this wedding fever.
The passion, the romance, the excitement of planning a gigantic party dedicated just to you, spills out from one couple, and all of a sudden there’s this feeling in the air of ‘should we be doing this too?’
But it can’t be completely the fault of the happy couples posting their wedding albums to Facebook.
So what is it?
What is it that perpetuates the pressure to be in a relationship barreling towards marriage? What is it that prompts the question at 3am (when nobody’s around to see you so insecure) of “Jesus, is this ever going to happen for me?”
I love weddings and I love marriage and I love the fact that so many people around me are happy and in love and sharing their lives with their best friend.
But I don’t love the fact that so many of my conversations with my single girlfriends (and myself- lets be honest) include reasons why we don’t have to feel like garbage that we're not moments away from a proposal, reasons why we shouldn’t feel insecure and lonely because we're not sharing our lives with someone and reasons why we don't have to feel like the time is ticking between our lives right now and our lives as spinsters with 47 cats.
So in an attempt to change that insecurity inducing pressure, here’s what I think we should do.
1. Celebrate.
If you’re married, congratulations! Live it up. Learn, grow, fight, love, and enjoy the fact that you get to have your best friend over for really awesome adult sleepovers each night. (wink!)
If you’re single, congratulations! Live it up. Learn, grow, fight, love, and enjoy the fact that you can do whatever you want, and that nobody is going to get on your case for leaving bagel crumbs in your bed.
2. Help others celebrate.
The last thing you want to have happen as a single person is for someone to look at you with pity.
This happened to my best friend at a wedding this summer. A girl, younger than her no less, looked at her tenderly (and infuriatingly) and whispered, “your time will come.” My best friend is a great person for not decking her on the spot.
There’s not a better or a worse. It’s not better to be married or better to be single. I think, as my pastor said once “It’s better to be single and want to be married than to be married and want to be single.” But regardless of your marital status… life is hard!
There are challenges and things that rub us the wrong way and refine us into people who look more like Jesus! And whether you’re single or you’re married, that’s true. And so because of that… we all need help, and support and encouragement.
We all need people to help us see the awesome things when our eyes are too clouded by loneliness or frustration. We need people to help us through the hard things and to remind us that the stage of life that we’re in is awesome and perfect and that whichever side we’re on… the grass is super green, and perfect for drinking beers and having a BBQ.
3. Live your passion
Whether married or single, God has given each one of us a job to do. He’s given us each a specific and important role in His kingdom, and it’s our responsibility and our honor to be a part of it.
If you’re a writer or a missionary or a business woman or a garbage man… your job, your role is important and God has picked you specifically for it.
So do what you’re passionate about. Life doesn’t begin or end with marriage. On both sides, you get to be a part of the grand adventure that is life with Jesus. And so venture out!
Try something new, do something you always thought was impossible. Check something off of your bucket list. If you want to travel the world and you’re single… travel the world. If you want to travel the world and you’re married… travel the world.
Marriage is not the beginning or end of your life with Jesus or otherwise.
So here’s my plan as I attempt to shed this pressure, the fear that marriage will never come and that pesky temptation to compare my life with people at another (equally beautiful) stage.
I’m going to enjoy it.
I’m going to enjoy the fact that I can spread out over my entire bed when I sleep at night. I’m going to leave my dirty clothes on the floor for a bit longer than I should, just because I can. I’m going to stay up late at night reading the Hunger Games to the light of girly scented candles, because that’s not going to bother anyone- and I’m going to eat a bagel in bed as I do it.
I’m going to go out with my girlfriends as often as I can, and come home and spend time snuggled up with my family.
I’m going to live the adventure that God has placed in front of me and move to Georgia and stay up late making pancakes and singing into hairbrushes with my roommate.
I’m going to live in this stage of life fully and thankfully, and am going to reject (as much as I possibly can) the pressure to live on any other time frame than the one that God is so perfectly writing for me.
And so next time I’m at a wedding… when they call all of the single girls together for that shameful moment… to battle for the bouquet and the chance at ‘being the next bride…’
You can find me at the bar, with my girlfriends, making a toast.
To being full of life, full of joy and exactly where we are supposed to be.
Amen!!! Loved every word! 🙂
Bagels = SSB!! 😉 This is excellent.
Wow. Well written and well said. Love the combination of a serious take with some humor. And I couldn’t agree more!
So so fantastic and true! Love this.
Thanks baby girl, for writing this. You always have such insight. “You no ugly and you no fat, why you single??”
Love it, Steph! I wholeheartedly agree. There’s so much freedom in thoroughly enjoying where God has you. Keep livin’ it up!
My favorite line is this:
“[I’m] going to reject… the pressure to live on any other time frame than the one that God is so perfectly writing for me.”
I think that’s so true for whatever temptation or pressure comes up… and it’s a great reminder that God’s timeframe is ALWAYS best, no matter what we may or may not think at the time. Thanks, Steph!
Steph, I LOVED this blog! You are so wise and such an excellent writer! This blog made me think of the time when I was in graduate school seeing a therapist, bemoaning the fact that I didn’t have a serious relationship. Here I was, getting my doctorate when my most important goal wasn’t even close to happening. I finally gave up and decided that if I wasn’t destined to find anyone in my home, I would go wherever I wanted to live for my predoctoral internship and you know what? That’s exactly when I met the man whom I later married. I still went away and he followed me, coming out to San Diego every 6-9 weeks. The message here, as you pointed out, is to let go and trust that God will take care of you; that’s just what you’re doing by moving to Georgia.
I just broke up with my guy in the midst of most of my friends getting engaged/married, and I didn’t think that it would ever happen to me. Then I happened upon this blog, and I got excited about being single. Just because I’m single doesn’t mean that something is wrong with me or I’ll never have love again. It just means that I need to wait for the Lord to bring me the right person and to love where I am right now. Thank you so much for these words, they changed my outlook on my time of being single.
xoxo, tay