As you know, I recently got married, began a new job, and moved to a new city. Itβs been change, change, change in every single way.
Iβm notoriously change-averse, holding onto old things and crying like a baby as my fingers are peeled away one by one. And so with expectations being low, Iβve been exceeding them quite nicely, adapting to the new rhythms, challenges, and joys of these new aspects of our life.
But the one thing I am lacking β and yes, itβs only one, if you can believe it β is friends.
I have friends, I tell you, almost indignantly. I have great friends, they just happen to be scattered all over the country, with very few of them living in the Nashville area.
There are a few, but for the most part, my community is not based in Nashville.
And this is tough! If you havenβt guessed, Iβm a community person. Iβm a βwhy do anything by yourself when you can do it together?β kind of person. My community has shaped me, built me, and made me who I am. I love them, and youβll hear me say it over and over again.
But theyβre not in Nashville, and that leaves me feeling like itβs freshman year all over again.
When I moved up to college, I felt a bit like I do now. I had a few friends, there would be a few familiar faces in the crowd. But the crowd was large, kind of like it is now, and for all intents and purposes, I was starting this friendship thing from scratch.
Hearing about my nerves, a friend of mine β a few years ahead of me in school β gave me this advice: for the first several months of school, keep the door to your dorm room open as often as possible.
By keeping your door open, youβre inviting people to poke their heads in and say hi, youβre declaring, loud and clear, that youβre open to drop-ins, quick hellos, and new friends, however they may come.
I used this advice, and I have to say, it worked.
I left the door to my dorm room open as often as I could (whenever I was actually in there, of course), and made lots of friends this way. My open door communicated that I was friendly, that I wasnβt closed off, that I was interested in meeting new people and making new friends. And I was. And so I did.
And so as the new kid on the Nashville campus, Iβve been considering that advice all over again. What would it mean to leave my door open as often as possible?
Living in the real world (and having a bit more than a school-owned mini fridge to my name), leaving my physical door open isnβt quite an option. But there are other types of doors Iβm struggling to keep open, and those are the more important ones.
Making friends feels remarkably like a first date. Iβve gone to coffee a few times recently with girls Iβve just met, and I was nervous like I was getting ready for a date! What do I say? Where do I put my hands (in my pockets, outside of my pockets, what if I don't have pockets?!) What if I run out of things to talk about? Itβs an uncomfortable thing, making new friends. Youβre essentially getting back out into the dating world after years of comfortable, secure relationships.
And the uncertainty of it β the vulnerability, and the hard work of trying to find a new community in a new place β makes me want to shut my door and hide until itβs over.
But thatβs just the thing: Friends donβt just appear – they must be made. And if weβre hiding behind a closed door, nobodyβs going to know weβre in here.
We have some friends of friends here in Nashville, and everyoneβs been so great to set us up with their friends. And their friends have been even greater, inviting us to things, including us, and having us over for dinner. But even though theyβre offering us friendship on a platter, we still have a part to play.
We have to say yes, and we have to show up.
And thatβs the hardest part.
When Iβm offered an invitation, the safest thing for me to do is to back out. Nothing bad can happen that way, I donβt have to be uncomfortable, I donβt have to feel vulnerable. But friendship isnβt made by backing out. Itβs made by showing up. And so thatβs what weβve been trying to do.
Carl and I have done our best to accept every invitation thatβs come our way. Weβve shown up in the physical way and in a deeper way, accepting peopleβs invitations into who they are, and inviting them back in in return. And it hasnβt been easy.
Just like ending an old, familiar relationship and getting back out there, itβs the worst kind of vulnerability and discomfort. But it leads to connection.
Thatβs what Carl and I are trying to do here in Nashville these days. Weβre trying to keep our proverbial doors open as often as possible, accepting invitations into other peopleβs homes, and extending them as well.
Because even though itβs hard work, and even though itβs scary and uncomfortable and it would be easier to hide behind the safety of our front door, itβs important. Friendship, connectedness, and community wonβt happen without it β wont happen unless you open your door and let some people in.
Have you ever moved to a new town where you didn't know anyone? What helped you make friends?
P.S. If you're looking for more advice on this topic, check out these resources:
Girls Night #9: How to Make New Friends as an Adult
How to Make Friends in a New City (eBook)
Even though I haven’t moved to a brand new town, I’ve experienced the “I need new friends” thing. The thing about staying is that others leave you, and I have to begin again just like I left. Something that helps me is recognizing things in people I may not have seen before: that girl I never talk to? She has a sweet laugh and way of telling stories. Or maybe the woman who sits alone at church – I’m trying to get the courage up to talk to her. So, I guess I’d say, I try to see things that have always been there but that I often overlook.
I know how you feel. I went to school in Chicago and accepted an internship one summer in San Francisco. I flew there knowing no one. But I became fast friends with my office-mate, Lori. And I visited a church one block from my house and felt at home from the first minute. I met singles and marrieds my age and formed some friendships that continue to this day… 18 years later.
Then nine years ago, I packed up my car and drove to Wisconsin from California and settled in at a new job and found a new church. What helped me immensely was getting immersed in ministry work (volunteer, not staff). I ran media for services once a month and that gave me a “family” of worship and production teams. Then I began working with the youth ministry and found a second “family” of fellow youth leaders and hundreds of teens in the youth group. I found groups that accepted me, and in those groups were people I could bond with and form friendships with. Sure, we might originally be drawn together because we like shopping at IKEA or playing Settlers of Catan, but some deeper friendships were formed by working through the shallower layers of surface-y topics. It takes working through the top, thinner layers of conversations about movies, restaurants, current events, etc. to find out with whom you want to become deeper friends with.
I like your approach. I bet you’ll find good friends soon. Is Nashville a transitional city like San Francisco was for me? I didn’t meet many people who were born and raised in San Francisco… but people moved to and left SF on a regular basis. In that environment, people are searching for community and find it in being recognized by neighors or becoming a regular at a corner store. I had to learn to appreciate finding community wherever I could in the big city that is San Francisco. I wasn’t alone in seeking community, so that became a common bond in itself.
I’m thankful for this post, Stephanie. I recently graduated from Northwest Missouri State University and heard that same advice so much: “keep your dorm room door open.” Now I’m in a new town, but worse. I’m in my old town that I grew up in, living with my parents. It used to be comfortable and I had tons of friends here, but I left my high school friends for my community in my college town. Now, to come back to a town where no one is anymore, especially those who help me grow in my relationship with Christ, has been worrisome.
The Lord is faithful though. It’s been 3-4 months and He has proven that I will have community here. He’s given me ministry opportunities, so many that I’ve had to say “no” to a few. Friends have still been my greatest worry, but getting involved in the community will definitely help me find those with similar interests. Thanks for posting!
So needed to read this today! We are moving to Nashville in January where we will know exactly no one and making friends has been something I have been so nervous about. I grew up with a big, close-knit group of friends and took for granted always having people around. College seemed easier because there were so many people in the same boat. Loved reading this and definitely can relate. It made me think about saying yes to invitations and staying “open”!
Hahaha see you tonight to set you up with another new friend π love you, steph.
Steph! I’m 3 weeks away from going to university, and I barely know anyone in my new town so I will keep your open door idea in mind!
Definitely relate! Did all those transitions at the same time last year.
One of my friends called making friends “friend dating,” just like you alluded to. You have to take initiative and ask someone to do something. Then you have to spend time getting to know them. You can walk away and realize that it won’t be a relationship that will be worth investing in or you can decide to call them again. It really helped me to view it this way. When you come across someone you want to get to know better, take initiative and make it happen. You won’t end up friends and best friends with everyone and that is OKAY!
I really needed to hear this. Thank you! I have enjoyed following your blog, even though we’ve never met. I have recently moved overseas and have found myself in this very same position and feeling these exact same things. It has felt awkward making friends but thank you for the encouragement to keep putting myself out there, being open and saying yes, and for the reminder that it’s worth it and important π
ughhhh it’s so hard making new friends. best of luck to you, my love :))
I have absolutely been there! I moved from Raleigh to Charlotte by myself – not a far move, but still a move – almost two years ago, and it was HARD to meet people and make friends at first. Charlotte ended up being a great city to move to, though, because a lot of the people here are ‘transplants’ as well, and were also conveniently looking for friends!
On this side of it, I’ll tell you that moving has been a challenging but really, really sweet thing. I miss my friends back in Raleigh like crazy, and it’s hard when they all hang out still and I’m not there. However, moving pushed me to meet more people than I ever would have if I just stayed in the same city, and it has been so fun to explore a new place.
Last thing – the best thing I did (by far) to meet new people was to get plugged into a local church. I think it helps that our church is really small, because it was so easy to get connected. I’ve met people in random other ways, but that’s been where the majority of my community has come from! Keep working at it, girl – I’m sure Nashville will be great!
Oh my goodness, I’m so glad I stumbled upon your blog! I was especially encouraged by this post–I got married three weeks ago, and although I’m back in the college town where I went to school, most of my friends have graduated, leaving it a little lonely. My husband and I will be moving from here (Alabama) to San Francisco in January, far away from familiarity, old friends and family. I’m excited for our adventure, but also worried about new friendships there. I love your advice, and your encouragement that it is actually hard work…I always assume it’s easy, and when it’s not, doubt myself and ask what’s wrong with me! Thanks for the wise words π Trusting the Lord will be faithful for you, me and all of us in this challenge.
Ashley – I’m excited about your move to San Francisco! If you want any connections there, please email me. I moved there in 1996 not knowing anyone. After one summer there, I returned a year later to a solid base of friends and a church family. I’d be happy to set up any introductions you’d like π sunnysblog (at) gmail It’s a beautiful city, and I miss living there.
Lee Ann, that would be awesome! I’m so glad to hear you were able to find community there, that’s our hope too π I’ll give you a shout.
Thanks for sharing this post on Twitter again this week. As I kick off another year in Nashville, this is a great reminder that it takes work to build community in this city! And that’s a fun, even if sometimes daunting, task.
Yes and amen!! We need to get a Nashville group together!
Sounds like an excellent idea to me!
@lcmiller13
Desperately needed to read this! Thanks so much!
9 months into my marriage with my Military husband, and we’ve been in VA for almost a month now. I moved away from everything familiar, and I am like you with change. It scares me half to death.
My husband is gone all day, making it increasingly important that I find a group of friends that can help me fill my time alone.
I’ve found a group of military wives that are all so kind and welcoming. I still struggle with forming those deeper connections. I am just trying to put myself out there as much as I can( something I am not always very good at).
Your post has encouraged me to continue to work for new,meaningful friendships. Thanks again!
Thanks for this very encouraging post! While I can’t relate to the dorm open door, I will state that the people I went to school with were the same from K-12th. Therefore, for the past five years beginning in undergrad to now my final year in grad school, I’ve struggled with finding community and other young women that hold the same values and beliefs as me. I think it will only get worse when it comes time for me to move to a new city next spring alone for a career, but your encouragement as really helped. Thanks again β€οΈ