Hey friends,


I am so happy to say that registration for my online course, Love Your Single Life, opens up soon! (Click here to find out more about it, and you can put your name on the waiting list there too!)


As we're getting ready to open up registration for our next LYSL class, we've been doing a little blog series around here.


We're going through some of the worst pieces of dating advice that so many of us have been given over the years, and we're setting the record straight.


Just in case you missed the first two posts, here's where you can check them out:


1. True Or False: Your Love Story Will Start When You Least Expect It


2. True Or False: Online Dating Ruins Your Chance At A Romantic Love Story



And that brings us to today — the third and final part of our series…

True or False: Being single sucks, and marriage is the end-all-be-all for our lives.

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I have to say, I'm not a person who is quick to anger (Enneagram 2 anyone? 🙋🏼‍♀️ ), but this attitude makes me incredibly angry.


All too often, people act like marriage is the end-all-be-all goal for your life. And then the flip side of that is that you're treated like an incomplete shell of a human until you find your person.


(Does that sound dramatic? Maybe, but I think a lot of us would say that's how it really feels!)


So first, let's talk about how this idea is spread:


It's spread by the fact that we hold absolutely enormous celebrations for women when they get married, but barely raise a glass when they get a promotion, their PhD, or complete their first half marathon. Getting married isn't even an achievement, but we celebrate it more than anything else in life.


It's spread by the focus people put on dating and relationships. It's like society (and the church!) doesn't know what to do with single people — other than try to set them up.


We create small groups just for married people and keep single people out, like there's some marriage secret they can't possibly hear before they've walked down the aisle themselves. (Having been married for 9 years, I can confidently tell you, there's no secret. 🤷🏼‍♀️ 🤣)


It's like you're relegated to the church version of the kids table — or even worse, the Island of Misfit Toys as you go to the one singleness event your church hosts each year and find yourself lumped together with a small group of people who you have nothing in common with — other than the fact that you're single.


We treat married people like they're better, like they've somehow arrived. And we treat single people like there's something wrong with them — we treat singleness like a disease or at least a waiting room you're stuck in before you get to the really great party on the other side of the door.


And when we do this — we're not only excluding and dishonoring people who are wonderful, incredible, and infinitely valuable… we're also setting marriages up to fail, because we're putting an extraordinary amount of pressure on them that no relationship can possibly live up to!


Marriage in and of itself isn't disappointing — but it is if we talk about it like it's the cure-all to all of our problems. This unrealistic expectation leaves wonderful, healthy, happy couples wondering if something is wrong with them when their lives don't feel like a non-stop romantic comedy.


But here's the thing that bothers me the most: Treating marriage as the end-all-be-all causes so many of us to miss out on a really incredible, powerful, transformative season of life — it causes us to miss out on the really great things about being single.


The truth is: Being single is an awesome season of life. It’s an amazing season of freedom, of the ability to go anywhere, and do anything, and become anyone you want.


It’s a precious time of you getting to step into your own skin and design a life you love. It’s a time of adventure, and trying new things, and meeting new people.


Not only can our single lives be one of the most meaningful, transformative, and fun seasons of our lives — they're also a crucial piece of the relationships we want in the long run.


In my four-week online course, we talk about how to make the most of this season (and how to set ourselves up for wonderful future relationships in the process!).


But today I wanted to take a few minutes to share three reasons we need to make the most of our time being single — and the very real risks we're taking if we label this season as something to just “get through” on the way to the “promised land.”

We need to make the most of our single lives because:

1. Because these are 10 years of your life!

Okay, I don’t actually know how long this season will last, and neither do you. But whether it’s two years, or 20 years, or the rest of your life, if we spend it feeling like our life will really start, the good part will really start as soon as we get married, we’re going to miss part of our lives!


And that’s such a tragedy! Because the truth is — we have a super limited amount of time here on earth, and I for one, don’t want to miss a single second of it.


I want to soak up every opportunity, every moment, and every gift possible. I want to wear my life out like my favorite pair of sweatpants — loving it to pieces.


And so that’s the first reason it’s so important that we live this season to the fullest — because these are years of our life that we aren’t going to get back. We have one life, let’s live every bit of it well!

2. Because we don’t actually know how long this season of singleness will last.

It is technically possible that we could be single forever (And in my course, Love Your Single Life, I'll teach you how to work through the fear of that happening!) But I will venture a guess that most of us will be in a relationship at some point, and usually, we have no warning about when our season of being single is going to be over.


I always thought I'd have some warning before my single life was about to end.


I thought I'd have a gut feeling or a dream a few months out. Maybe it'd be like having a baby: You'd find out nine months ahead of time that your person was on the way, and then you'd have those nine months to get things in order. You could check a few more things off your bucket list, get your heart ready, pray a little extra, and maybe start eating a few more vegetables.


I'd just moved my whole life from Colorado to Georgia for a new job at a non-profit organization. It was my first day of work, and I was a total ball of nerves.


Is my outfit okay? Am I making a good first impression? What was that form I was supposed to bring with me? What is my new boss's name again?


I was thinking about a lot of things on that day, but truly, the very last thing on my mind was the idea that I might meet my future husband. 


But that's exactly what happened.


My new boss guided me around the office on that first day, introducing me to the team. “This is Emily,” he said. “She’s the copywriter for the marketing department.” Then, turning his attention to the desk next to Emily’s, he said, “And this is our creative director, Carl Wilson.”


And just like that, my single life was over. The train left the station. I'd met my future husband.


Now, to be fair, it took us about a month to realize we liked each other, and we dated for a while before we realized we wanted to marry each other. But that process—the process of meeting Carl, getting to know him, discovering that he was my person, and getting married—started on that very day. 


I had ZERO idea that was going to happen — I thought I had years left of being single. My single life was over *that* fast, and I had no idea the end was coming.


And I know it’ll be the same story for you.


You have no idea how much longer you’re going to have, and so I want to live this season of our lives like we would the last few days of a vacation — soaking up every bit of it, going on every adventure, staying up late, and waking up early just so we don’t miss a single moment.


Because we really don’t know how much longer we have of this season, and I’d hate for us to miss a single incredible drop.


Here’s the third reason it’s so important we live this season well:

3. Because if we don’t live this way, we might be tempted to end this season sooner than we should.

My friend Lauryn always used to say that we should live our single lives so fully and have so much fun in them, that we’re only willing to give them up for someone who’s truly worth it.


And I love this — because she’s so right.


When we live our single lives like they’re a gift and a season to be cherished, we’re not going to give them up for just anybody.


And that’s important because marriage is a really big deal. You’re attaching yourself to this person for your whole entire life. This choice will impact every moment of every day of your life for the rest of your life. And so it’s a decision we want to make super intentionally.


My pastor says it this way, “It’s better to be single and wanting to be married than it is to be married and wanting to be single.” And that’s just so true.


This may be a totally crazy analogy, but just humor me. Okay? I think of it kind of like going to the grocery store hungry. I know when I go to the grocery store hungry, I buy the most ridiculous things. I have no filter, no self-control, I just want to be fed and I’m not super picky about what’s going to get the job done.


I think it’s a similar situation when we’re just HATING our single lives.


When we’re dissatisfied, and bored, and unhappy in this season of our lives, when we feel like life will be so much better when we’re married, we don’t have the perspective and the full heart or belly we need to make a good, thoughtful decision about who to marry. And this is a big reason people find themselves in unhappy marriages.


We need to live our single lives in a way to where we recognize the fact that they’re a beautiful gift, and a really fun, and important time of our lives. And we really should only give them up to someone who’s really going to make our lives better — not complete them, but truly compliment them.


I actually really loved being single (not every day of it, there were some hard ones of course), but I really did love that season of my life. I went on adventures, and learned, and grew, and discovered so much about myself, and about God while I was single. I invested in my other relationships — weaving this amazing, hilarious web of people who love me and who are in this life with me for the long haul. I tried new things, and achieved some super fun goals, and I really began pursuing the call I believe God has on my life.


I really loved my time being single and I feel like I squeezed every bit of life and love and joy and adventure out of it.


And not only has that made for a really great life so far, but it was the reason I was able to meet my husband, and it has been instrumental in making our marriage really wonderful so far.

_______

When we treat marriage like the end-all-be-all and singleness like a lame waiting room — a season of life that just unequivocally stinks — we rob our single friends of so much dignity and respect, but we also rob this season of life of so much power and so much fun.


Being single doesn't have to suck. In fact, it can be the best, most fun, most fulfilling, most transformative season of your life so far, and I'd argue that SHOULD be.

If I love my single life, does that mean I'm delaying future relationships — or giving up on them altogether?

I got an email a few days ago that I could totally resonate with. It was from a girl who said, “Steph, I saw that you teach a course called Love Your Single Life, and I'm absolutely going to sign up. It's exactly what I've been needing. But I do have this one hesitation…


If I start really loving my single life, won't that make it last longer?


I mean, I don't necessarily WANT to be single, and so isn't embracing singleness sort of resigning myself to it? If I really hunker down, and start enjoying it, won't I get stuck there? And this might be a crazy question, but isn't it possible that if I start to be totally content without someone to share my life with, God might give my person to someone else?”


I totally resonated with her question because I worried the exact same thing. For a long time, I felt like I had to be unwavering in my discontent of my single life so that I didn't somehow get stuck there. If singleness was a big comfy couch, I felt like I had to perch uncomfortably on the arm of it, afraid that if I let myself sink back into it and really enjoy myself, that I'd never get up!


But while that may happen on a comfy couch, that doesn't happen when it comes to singleness.


First of all, God doesn't hand out husbands based on who is most miserable being single. That's just not how it works. (Thankfully!) And second of all, loving your single life doesn't mean you'll stay in it forever.


In fact, loving your single life and really making the most of this season might help it go faster, it will at least help it feel like it.


Making the most of your single life means you're living your life to the full and becoming the very best version of yourself. And these are the exact things that will help you be in the right place at the right time to meet your person and be ready for a great relationship when the time comes.


Not only that, but have you ever heard that old adage, “A watched pot doesn't boil”? My mom used to say it to me all the time as I'd peer into the still water with the Kraft Mac & Cheese box in my hand.


The truth is, that water was going to boil whether I was watching it or not, but my mom was helping me see that it was going to FEEL like it took a lot longer if I just stood there and stared at it. Whereas if I busied myself doing something else, the time would feel like it passed much more quickly.


A watched pot will boil, and the next chapter of your life will start, but the time in between will feel so much faster (and more fun!) if you're making the most of it.

So how do I make the most of my single life?

That's the next obvious question, right? Friend, I'm so happy to say that I'm the girl to walk you through this.


At the beginning, I mentioned that twice a year I teach an online course called Love Your Single Life.


Love Your Single Life is a 4-week course where you’ll get to connect with a wonderful community of single women who are seeking to become the very best versions of themselves, live their lives today to the absolute full, and also set themselves up for a great future dating relationship and a wonderful future marriage.⁠


Here are just a few of the things we talk about in the course:⁠


– How to start really enjoying your single life and making the most of every moment⁠


– How to design a life you love (and how that might just be how you meet a really great guy!)


– How to start believing you are who God says you are⁠


– A powerful tool for building confidence (Which also happens to be your dating secret-sauce!)


– How to know if you're ready to be in a relationship


– How to find good, quality men to date (Even when it feels like you’ve run out of options)⁠


– How to be proactive in dating while still being pursued⁠


– How to keep yourself from settling for the wrong guy


–  What to do with your sex drive when you’re single (because it doesn’t wait to show up until we’re married, right??)⁠


– And so much more!



With my whole heart, I believe that this course is the very best thing you can do for both your life today, and for your marriage down the road.


(That’s a bold thing to say, right? But seriously — the things God has done in more than 7,000 women's lives through this course are just incredible!)⁠


Friend, if you could use some help, encouragement, resources, or a plan for this area of your life — I would be so honored to have you join us.


Registration for the course is only open for a few days each year. So make sure to get your name on the waiting list. Here's the link again for where you can check out the course, and you can get your name on the waiting list there too!


You don't have to figure this out alone.


Sending you all my love today, friend.


– Stephanie