Hey friends, so you may or may not know this about me, but for the last nine years, I've been teaching an online course called, Love Your Single Life.
I've helped more than 7,000 women figure out:
– Why they're still single (it's NOT because they're unlovable or not good enough!)
– What it actually looks like to put themselves out there and practically how to do it.
– How to live their single lives to the full — which also happens to be the very best thing they can do for their dating lives AND their future marriage.
– And so much more!
I'm just as passionate about this course today as I was seven years ago, and it's because there is SO much bad information out there. The world is overflowing with dating advice that’s unhelpful at best and damaging at worst. And it's keeping so many women stuck!
I've watched so many women…
- Get their hearts broken WAY more than necessary
- Stay in relationships that are not good for them
- Date guys who don’t treat them well
- Miss out on some really great guys because they don’t know what they’re looking for or what it looks like to find them
- Waste a beautifully important season of life because they’re so caught up in the idea that singleness sucks and you should get through it as fast as possible
- Confuse patience and trust with passivity — doing absolutely nothing to advance their love lives and then suffering tremendously when they’re still stuck in the exact same place years later
- Put so much pressure on the idea of marriage that they’re crushed under the weight of their expectations while they’re dating — and also, they find themselves disappointed by marriage when it doesn’t solve all their problems the minute they say, “I do”
- Feel so lonely in this season because they're under the impression that they have to figure this all out alone
And a big part of this is because of the well-meaning, but totally bad advice they were given along the way.
So today, I'm going to be sharing some of the things I learned in my own life and then have taught to those 7,000+ course students that have helped them get unstuck.
We're going to be debunking one of the most harmful dating myths that have held so many of us back over the years. I'm so tired of bad advice being the reason that so many of us are feeling lonely, frustrated, rejected, and behind.
Dating Myth 1: “The right person will find you as soon as you stop looking for them.”
I did a quick poll on Instagram a few days ago — asking women about the most unhelpful dating advice they've ever been given, and hands down, this one took the cake.
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“When you stop looking, the right person will find you.”
Or that advice's equally frustrating cousin…
“It'll happen when you least expect it…”
So let's talk about why this advice is so unhelpful (and often harmful!), and see if we can set the record straight.
“Everyone told me that it'll happen when I least expect it.”
I was at brunch with a friend a while back when she started telling me about her frustrations with her dating life.
“I want to meet my person. I thought I’d meet him YEARS ago, but this just isn’t happening for me, and I cannot figure out why!”
Now, let me stop and say that this friend is an incredible woman. She loves God like crazy, is pursuing amazing things in her life, has a great group of girlfriends, is secure in who she is (most of the time!), and she really is in a great place to be in a relationship.
The problem is… it’s not happening, and she can’t figure out why.
I wanted to see if I could understand a bit better, and so I started asking her a few questions. I said, “Walk me through your day. How do you spend your time?” And so she did.
She starts her day at the gym but she said, “I DEFINITELY do not want to meet a guy there. (Sweaty, gross, and first thing in the morning? No, thank you!)” She goes to a medium-sized church, but most guys at her church are married. She works in a hospital, but most of her co-workers are women, and on the weekends she hangs out with her roommates (again, all women).
“So, when are you expecting to meet a guy?” I asked. “When you picture it happening, what are you doing? Where are you?”
She can’t picture it. She hasn’t really thought about it, she admitted. “Everyone told me that it'll happen when I least expect it. And that I should just keep my focus on God, and He'll do the rest!” So that's what she's been doing. But now she's feeling let down by that advice. Honestly, she's feeling let down by God Himself.
It feels like He's forgotten about her. Everyone else is being given their person and her dating landscape today looks roughly the same as it did in high school.
She feels like she should buy real estate in the friend-zone for how often she finds herself there. She feels like she's destined to always be the bridesmaid, but never be the bride. And on that note, this whole season would be a whole lot easier if she didn’t have to sit through quite so many weddings and baby showers. She's happy for her friends, and she wishes they didn’t, but those events really do sting.
She just can't shake the fear that she's running out of time. It feels like her friends are all moving on without her, like she's falling behind in life, like all the good ones are going to be taken. Also, in particularly hard moments, she finds herself doing the fertility math — wondering if she's going to be able to have the family she's spent her entire life praying for.
People have told her — and told so many of us — that it'll happen when we least expect it, that we should stop trying and it'll just happen, that if we focus all of our time, love, and energy on God, He'll drop the perfect guy on our doorstep at the exact right time. And we're feeling so let down by this advice, because it just hasn't happened!
“Just focus on God, and He'll take care of the rest.”
👆 That piece of advice was particularly hard for me, and I heard so many women on Instagram echo the same thing.
“I've had people tell me: You won’t find the person you’re meant to be with unless you totally give up your desire for marriage.”
“So many people told me ‘When you are truly content with God, you will meet your husband' — as if somehow my faith wasn’t strong enough and marriage is something God only gives to certain levels of Christians. Still makes me mad to remember that!”
That advice is so pervasive, but it's also so backward. A husband isn't a reward for good behavior — just like singleness isn't a punishment for bad behavior. Not only that, but this advice leaves us feeling like we have to hide or extinguish a really beautiful hope and dream for our lives if we're ever going to have a prayer of getting it.
For the longest time, I tried to convince everyone (myself and God included) that I didn't care about a relationship — because I thought that was the only way I would ever be given one. (And, of course, it's tricky trying to hide things from an all-knowing God — it also puts unnecessary distance into our relationship with Him!)
To make matters infinitely worse, if we don't even feel free to admit our desire for a relationship, we definitely don't feel the freedom to pursue one — and that is one of the biggest things that keeps us stuck.
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God has a part to play in this… but so do WE.
So many of us are waiting for God to write our love stories for us. It sounds so much easier that way. But while God absolutely has a part to play in helping two people be at the right place at the right time to meet each other and fall in love — we have a part to play too.
We need to participate in our love lives, and in an effort to follow the “It'll happen when you least expect it” advice — so many of us are living lives where we don't meet ANYONE new on a regular basis, let alone single, eligible guys — and we're wondering why this isn't happening for us.
The best comparison I've ever found to why it's so important for us to intentionally put ourselves out there is job searching.
When we need a job, we expect to have to do something about it, right? We know it takes some action from us. This is the exact same when it comes to relationships.
Now, I know we might hate this. It sounds SO MUCH NICER to think of it just happening — having a guy see us, instantly know that we’re his person, pursue us no matter what, and to have it all work out just like in the Hallmark movies. But I think this rarely happens. It's so much more nuanced, and messy, and beautiful than that in real life — and it requires more participation from us in real life too.
We need to meet A GUY before we can meet the RIGHT guy. We need to be in a place where guys are if we’re ever going to meet the right one. We’re waiting for lightning to strike us, but we’re sitting inside! (Please tell me I'm not the only one who's done this! 🤦🏼♀️)
So many of us have an idea of what we want our love lives to look like — of how we want our stories to go. But if we want to live that kind of love story, we cannot hide out at home and just hope for the best. It just doesn't work like that. Again, God has such a big part in the way our love stories unfold, but so.do.we.
Okay, but how do I actually do that?
But with all of this in mind, you may now be thinking, “That’s great, but I don’t have the first clue about how to put myself out there. And even if I did, I'm not sure I could get myself to actually do it.”
Or maybe you're thinking about how many things you have tried that just haven't made a difference. You’ve tried to put yourself out there and really go all-in. You’ve tried to forget about dating and focus on other things. You've tried being more outgoing and friendly, you've tried playing hard to get, you've tried all kinds of different dating apps, you've tried it all.
You've spent so much time and energy chatting with guys that never ask you out, going on dates that never lead anywhere, reading dating books that never make a difference, and listening to singleness sermons that never seem to help.
You genuinely feel like you've done everything you know how to do, but none of it has made a difference. To say you're discouraged is a total understatement.
You'd love some help with all of this (but only if it's actually helpful!)
1. You'd love to talk to someone who gets it.
Your pastor is great, but he married his high school sweetheart thirty years ago. You want to hear from someone who's been where you are, and who is where you want to be. And honestly, you'd love to hear from a woman who has actually dated… you know… in the last decade or so.
2. It would be so nice to have a real plan
No more vague theories and unhelpful instructions. You need someone to spell it out for you — to tell you exactly what to do so you can stop spinning your wheels with the rest. (You don't want to go on more awkward first dates than absolutely necessary!)
3. You need a plan that works
You need a plan that’s researched, practical, and proven — based in psychology as well as rooted in scripture. You need something that will actually make a difference in your dating life. (You’re willing to put in your time, but you're not interested in wasting another minute of it!)
4. And you need to be treated with respect
Last, but not least, you’d love a resource that treats you like the incredible, confident, smart, grown-up woman that you are — not something that talks to you like you’re less-than for being single or that sounds like a cheesy pamphlet they’d hand out in youth group.
That's what you'll find in Love Your Single Life.
At the beginning, I mentioned that twice a year I teach an online course called Love Your Single Life.
Love Your Single Life is a 4-week course where you’ll get to connect with a wonderful community of single women who are seeking to become the very best versions of themselves, live their lives today to the absolute full, and also set themselves up for a great future dating relationship and a wonderful future marriage.
With my whole heart, I believe that this course is the very best thing you can do for both your life today, and for your marriage down the road.
(Woah… that’s a bold thing to say, right? ☝🏻☝🏻 But seriously — the things God has done in more than 7,000 women's lives through this course are just 🥰 😭 🙌🏼 💕 ✨)
Friend, if you could use some help, encouragement, resources, or a plan for this area of your life — I would be so honored to have you join us.
Registration for the course is only open for a few days each year. So make sure to get your name on the waiting list. Here's the link again for where you can check out the course, and you can get your name on the waiting list there too!
You don't have to figure this out alone.
Sending you all my love today, friend.