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5 intentional steps I took to get over someone I loved — to free my heart up enough to date and even to love again. Head to the post to read all 5 steps!

How Do I Get Over Someone I Have Feelings For? And Are These Feelings A Sign That It’s Meant To Be?

Dating

Hey friend!


The question we’re answering today is a question I get all the time, and so I wanted to put something a bit more comprehensive together for you. This is honestly more of an eBook than it is a blog post, but this is such a big, important, and tender topic, I didn’t want to leave one thing out.

Okay, without further ado, let’s get to today’s topic, and the question that inspired it:


  

Dear Stephanie,

I really need some advice. I have feelings for a guy, and I have for a really long time. The problem is that he says he doesn’t feel the same way about me. I know I should try to get over him, but I have no idea how. I have prayed about it so much — asking God to take my feelings for him away — but He hasn’t, and now I’m more confused than ever. Does the fact that God isn’t taking my feelings away mean something’s going to happen between us? Does this mean I have these feelings for a reason? Should I hold on to them? And if I shouldn’t, how in the world do I finally let them go? How do I begin to get over someone I care so much about? I so hope you can help me!

Hey friend,


I am so so glad you asked about this, because this is a situation so many of us have found ourselves in — myself included.


Sometimes it happens after a breakup — they seem to be moving on fine, but no matter what you do, your heart can’t seem to let go. Sometimes it happens with a crush. No matter what you do, you just can’t stop hoping something will happen.


The truth is, stopping feelings once they’ve started feels like stopping a runaway train. Totally impossible. Or at least, NOT easy!


Things become even more complicated when we start praying, “God, if this isn’t meant to be, please take my feelings away.”


Because at least for me, I expected the answer to that prayer to feel like a vacuum in my chest. I pictured God sticking a professional grade shop-vac into my heart and sucking the feelings right out. And if that doesn’t happen, then it kind of seems like He’s saying this is meant to be. Which makes letting go actually impossible.


I have totally been there. I think we all have.


But, if I could go back and tell myself a few things when I was in those situations, I know exactly what I’d say, and those are the exact same things I want to tell you today.


I know that we might not be able to break through this seemingly impenetrable wall all at once today, but I’m hoping we can pull out a few bricks so you can see through to the other side.


First, I want to share with you two things I learned (the hard way, of course!) about this situation. And then we’ll dive into the 5 steps I have actually taken to getting over someone and moving on.


So let’s start with these two things:


 1. I don’t know if God’s actually giving us a sign


It feels like we’re setting out a fleece. Doesn’t it? Gideon said, God, please don’t be mad at me, but if this is from you, please give me a sign. Let this wool fleece be wet with dew in the morning while the rest of the ground is dry. And then the next day, God, please let the fleece be dry, and the ground around it be wet with dew, and if you do those things, I’ll know this is from you.



And I think that’s what we sometimes do when we pray, “God, if this isn’t meant to be, please take these feelings away.” We hope that He’ll step in, suck them right out of our chests, and if He doesn’t, that means it’s meant to be. But I just don’t know if that’s how it works.



That’s not how it worked for me.



For two years I prayed for God to take away my feelings if it wasn’t meant to be. God didn’t take away my feelings, and it still wasn’t meant to be. And for a long time I was frustrated by that. It felt like God hung me out to dry. You know? God — why would you allow me to have those feelings if it wasn’t meant to be? Or worse, why would you GIVE me those feelings (which it feels like He’s doing if He refuses to take them away), if we weren’t going to end up together? It starts to feel like God is cruel, playing with our hearts, falling asleep at the wheel when He should be protecting us from harm.



But here’s something important I realized not long ago: God doesn’t give us feelings for Himself, so why would He for someone else?



Here’s what I mean — one of the cornerstones of our faith is that God gives us a choice whether or not to love Him. When Jesus died on the cross for us, it was an invitation into relationship with God. It was an opportunity to come and be close, if we wanted to be. But we know through reading scripture, and through looking back at our own lives — lots and lots of times, people don’t choose Him. And God allows that to happen. God doesn’t force us to love Him, He allows us the choice. And this is crazy because we’re talking life and death here. We’re talking about salvation, and God still doesn’t force our hand.



And so what makes us think that He would in our relationships here on earth?



I think I thought that God would plop feelings down into my heart — that He would put someone in my path and give me the feelings I had for them. He’s God, right? He can do anything! But realizing that even when it comes to life and death, God doesn’t force our hand, helped me see that maybe the feelings I had for these guys weren’t plopped from God in the first place. Maybe I had more of a say in this than I realized.



And looking back over my relationship history, that’s the truth I see. I can remember moments when someone liked me and I wasn’t sure I liked them, but I totally convinced myself into having feelings. I had the ability to do that, and I know you do too. I can see times when I fell for someone — head over heels — that wasn’t good for me at all. They weren’t good for me then, they weren’t good for me in the long run either. But I fell anyway. And I can see times when I thought I was trying not to like someone, when I thought I was trying to get over them, but I can see myself stoking the fire of my feelings for them, helping them grow instead of diminish.



While love is most certainly blind, and while our hearts are this wild, curious toddler we have to keep a constant eye on to keep out of trouble, our hearts are our hearts, and I think God gives us absolute authority over who we love and who we don’t.



He’s not a controlling Father, forcing us to love Him, and that’s actually a matter of life and death. And so I don’t think He reaches into our hearts and either places or removes feelings for someone here on earth. I think He gives us the choice.



And that’s what I’ve found in my marriage as well.



When Carl and I were dating, I remember asking him one time if he’d ever asked God if I was the woman for him. And what Carl reported back totally shocked me. Carl said that he felt like God was giving us the choice. If we wanted to choose each other, we totally could. But we also didn’t have to.



And when Carl told me that, I was like, “Hold the phone. What does that even mean? Isn’t God supposed to choose?”



My Christian fairy tale was falling apart before my eyes.



But then Carl stepped in and pointed out something I had never considered before. He told me that he thinks it’s even MORE romantic to get to choose.



The thing is — how romantic is it to ask someone why they love you, and for them to say, “Because I was told to.”? That’s not fun at all. We don’t want someone to be forced or coerced or even cajoled into loving us. We want them to choose us, to see us and say, “That one. I choose her!” We want to be seen, recognized, and picked on purpose.



And that’s what God was saying to Carl. He was saying, “I’m not going to make this decision for you. Do you want it to be her? Then go get her.” And Carl did.



He pursued me because he wanted to, not because God told him to. He did it with God’s blessing, for sure. But he chose me. And that’s set us up for a beautiful string of almost 4 years now of us choosing each other.

We hear people say this all the time, that love is a choice — that marriage is waking up every single day and choosing that person all over again. And that’s what Carl and I have been doing ever since.

He picked me, and I picked him, and every day we wake up and do it all over again. We choose each other, choose to pursue each other, to be kind to each other, to love each other. Every day Carl feels seen and chosen, and so do I. Our hand wasn’t forced, we got to pick, and we picked each other.

So I KNOW it feels totally confusing to ask God to take something away and for Him not to do it. But I really do believe we have more say over our feelings than maybe we realize. Which brings us to number two.


2. Getting over someone takes intentional action, and it’s something we have to do if we’re ever going to get to be with someone else.

So if God isn’t going to shop-vac our feelings out of our hearts, then what do we do? This is when most people would pipe in and say something like, “Time heals all wounds.” And I agree with this — to an extent. I think time helps tremendously, but I also know that I’ve sat two years away from the initial heartbreak, still holding onto feelings. I bet you have too.

One of my favorite things about our hearts as women is our deep hope. We are loyal, committed, persistent with our hope. We stick it out, hold out for it, refuse to let go, because that’s how deep our love goes.

But the problem comes when it’s time to let go. We don’t know how, and sometimes even time isn’t enough to pry our fingers off of our hope for things to turn around. It certainly wasn’t for me.

I needed to do specific, intentional things to let go — to start to move on. Because again with the runaway train, left to my heart’s own devices, it could hold onto hope forever.

But before we get into the specific things I did to start to let go, I want to remind us of why we need to.

The thing is — if this person isn’t going to be the person for us, then we need to make room in our hearts for the person who is.

I remember talking to my pastor once about an ex-boyfriend who was sort of back in my life. I was trying to convince him and myself of why that ex and I could still be best friends — why it was totally fine for him to be the person I called at the end of the day, the person who knew my deepest hopes and dreams, the person I walked next to through life. “We’re not together,” I told my pastor, “We’re just friends, so it’s fine!”

But then my pastor said something I’ll never forget.

He said, “Steph, how do you think the next guy you date is going to feel about your ex-boyfriend being your person? Also, isn’t that the space your next boyfriend is supposed to occupy?”

He was right.

That day, I started picturing my love life like the Olympic podium and there was only space for one in the top spot. If I had this ex-boyfriend in that spot, either I was going to hurt the next guy who tried to take it, or I wouldn’t be able to let anyone take it at all.

The top spot was being occupied, meaning there wasn’t room for anyone new. And I know so many of us have found ourselves here.

When we have super strong feelings for someone, and we have for a long time, the prospect of dating someone new sounds painful and also impossible. No one can measure up. We compare everyone to that guy. Even worse, we might not be able to date at all, because we’re so consumed with someone we aren’t actually with.

The top spot in our lives is occupied, and if we’re ever going to let someone else (like our future husband) take that seat, we need to free it up.

So friend, I want to finish up by talking about the 5 intentional steps I took to get over someone I loved — to free my heart up enough to date and even to love again.

And honestly — I am so glad I did these things — because if I hadn’t, then when my husband came along, I wouldn’t have been able to give my heart to him.

So without further ado, here we go!



Step 1: Get some distance

So this step is maybe the hardest because it feels so counter-intuitive. If we have feelings for someone, most likely, we’ll do pretty much anything to be around them. I know I would. I would find every excuse in the book to talk to them, to be around them, to hang out together.

But if we’re ever going to be able to move on, this is what has to change first.

I always think of a broken heart like a physical wound. Matters of the heart can be too intangible to really know what to do with, so I think of it physically.

If I wanted to heal from something — from this broken heart, from this un-ending crush — the first thing I needed to do was to remove myself from the thing that was digging the wound deeper.

Every time I’d see the person I liked, I’d like them more. Every time I’d see my ex-boyfriend, my hope would increase, but so would my heartbreak.

But while being near them was hard, being away from them was even harder. Until I finally made myself get some distance.

Sometimes it meant finding a different job, or going to a different church, or hanging out with a different group of friends. Sometimes these moments lined up perfectly with times when I was headed out of town for an internship, or even better, leaving the country!

Regardless of how you put distance between yourself and this person, you need to have some distance if you’re ever going to be able to move on.

This means no more talking on the phone, stopping the constant texting, unfriending them on Facebook, unfollowing them on Instagram. Whatever way you are constantly keeping tabs on this person, constantly keeping in touch, hearing about them or seeing them — the most important (and of course, the hardest!) thing you need to do is to remove yourself from the situation.

Until you have some space and time away from them, it’s going to be almost impossible to move on. So distance is the very first thing.

And trust me love, I know how hard this is. It feels cruel, or like you’re throwing away a friendship, or unfair that you have to give up things you love in order to move on. But know, it’s not always permanent. You can go back to that church at some point, or hang out with those friends without him, and maybe you can even be friends again one day.

But distance is key to moving on. So that’s step 1.


Step 2: Watch your thoughts

A few weeks ago I was talking to a friend who just met a new guy. She didn’t know him at all, but they’d just met, and from what she could tell, he was a total catch.

Over the next few weeks, she thought about him a ton.

She thought about the kind of person he might be, and the things they could do together. Before long, she had this whole scenario mapped out in her brain — how they were going to meet again, fall in love, where their first date would be, and how he would propose.

But here’s the problem — a few weeks later, she saw him again. This time he was with a girl. His fiancé. He had been engaged that entire time, and when she found out, she was crushed.

And as she was telling me this, there wasn’t a shred of judgement in my heart in response. We have ALL done this.

We really have. As women, with our beautiful, loving, hopeful hearts, we can think and imagine our way straight into love, even with a perfect stranger. It’s just how we are.

But because we have this power, because we have this ability, we really have to be careful with where we let our thoughts go.

If we can fall in love with a perfect stranger just through the power of our imagination, we can certainly keep ourselves in love with someone for an infinite amount of time. That’s what I did with the guys I couldn’t get over, and I have a feeling that’s what you might be doing too.

And because our thoughts have this power, it’s absolutely essential that we start holding them accountable.

Our thoughts are powerful, and if we’re daydreaming, and writing happy endings with the two of us together, we’re not actively working to get over them, we’re actively increasing our feelings for them.

So if we really want to move on, and create an open space for someone who’s in love with us right back, we have to start watching our thoughts.

Find yourself daydreaming? Change the subject in your head. Give yourself something else to think about. This is a PERFECT time to start a new hobby. That’s a perfect time to ask God not to vacuum your feelings away, but to help your heart to start to let go, to help you move on.

Our thoughts, our imagination, and our daydreams are where so much of this struggle takes place, and so we have to start watching our thoughts.

Stand at the doorway to those fantasies and hopes and dreams, and when you feel yourself start to walk down that hallway, lovingly turn yourself back. You will thank yourself later when you’re able to fall in love with someone who doesn’t just live in your hopes and daydreams.


Step 3: Remember the bad as well as the good

One of the problems with having feelings for someone we’re not currently in a relationship with is that we tend to see the relationship through rose-colored glasses. It’s a combination of strong feelings, with a touch of nostalgia, coupled with the fact that we’re not actually in a tangible relationship with them, so we see the good they do without being affected by the bad.

And all of this swirls together into this perfection that nobody (not even the guy you’re thinking about!) can measure up to.

Think about the stranger my friend fell for a few weeks ago. He could have been the biggest jerk in the whole entire world, and she would have never imagined it. Because in her head, where the relationship was unfolding, that’s not how she pictured him. But the truth is, she didn’t really know him at all. If she did, she might not have fallen so hard.

So that’s why it’s really important to remember the bad as well as the good.

Even if there aren’t any glaring flaws to the guy you like, there is still a big one. He isn’t pursuing you. He doesn’t have feelings for you, or if he does, he’s not making them known. He’s not choosing you, not saying, “This is the one,” and doing everything in his power to make it so.

And that’s a HUGE problem, because you don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you. You deserve so much more than that.

And so for me, and I’d bet for you, it’s a really important thing to see the person you like through real, sober eyes. Who are they really? Everyone has flaws, what were theirs? It’s only when we start to see someone for who they really are — flaws and all — that we can start to get over them. And that someone great (and also flawed) can start to vie for that top spot in our lives and actually stand a chance.


Step 4: Ask for help

I don’t know if you’ve heard me talk about this before, but I am a huge fan of counseling. Both of my parents are licensed psychologists, and I’ve been to therapy before — several times. Not only have I been to therapy, but every single woman that I look up to, that I love, my best friends, my mentors, all of them have been to therapy at least once. Most of them, several times.

I’m a huge fan of it because in each of our lives, I think we come up against things we can’t and shouldn’t have to face on our own.

Life is tough — it bumps us and bruises us — and I think there is such strength in saying, “I could use some help walking through this.”

We don’t try to heal our bodies on our own, and so I don’t see a reason to try to heal our minds and our hearts on our own, especially when there are trained doctors who can help us get through these things faster, more effectively, and more fully.

I’ve been to therapy several times for lots of different reasons, including for awhile when I was trying to get over a breakup.

And maybe you feel silly thinking about going to therapy about something like this — but love affects us so deeply and so powerfully. Why wouldn’t we ask for help walking through it?

I knew that if I really wanted to be able to love someone new, if I really wanted to be able to invite a great new guy into that top spot in my life, I had to work through this, and work through it well.

I’m totally not saying you HAVE to go to therapy, but if it’s crossed your mind, or if you’ve wished you could ask for help, but felt stupid for thinking about it with something as small as this… I want to tell you, this isn’t stupid.

This is important. This is a great learning opportunity — a great moment for you to discover more about yourself, more about God, more about what you’re looking for in a person. It’s the perfect time for you to heal fully from some past wounds, and from this current wound. I think a broken heart is a perfect reason to ask for help, and so if you’ve been considering it, I hope you do! (And here’s a great place to find a counselor!)


Step 5: Don’t be afraid to date again

I’m totally not advocating for jumping into another serious relationship before you’re ready, but I do think there’s value to being able to see that there are other wonderful guys out there in the world.

It’s easy to feel like you lost the only good one, they’re your only chance, the only one for you and you lost them. But that’s just not true. It’s just not. I don’t believe it for a second.

There are so many wonderful people in the world, and I think meeting some new ones is a great way to remember that there’s hope, that there’s newness ahead of you, that there’s beauty and love in your future that you can’t imagine quite yet. I think it might help you start to imagine it.

I’m NOT advocating for toying with men’s hearts. Don’t pretend you’re ready for a serious relationship if you’re not. But if you feel ready to go on a date, I think it’s totally okay to go on a date. If you feel ready to just even peruse what might be out there, that’s great too!

Just seeing what guys might be out in the world might help remind you that there’s life after the death of this relationship.

The last thing I want to leave you with is something that helped me immensely when I was trying to get over someone. A good friend of mine told me something that his mom always used to tell him.

She says, “The person you marry will be the coolest person you’ve ever met.” And I really do believe that is true.

I’ve been through more heartaches than I can even tell you in this one little blog post, and I’ve watched my girlfriends have their hearts broken over more guys than I can even count. We’ve waited, hoped, struggled to get over them, and thought that we really lost the one.

But I can tell you on behalf of me and my girlfriends that we wouldn’t go back to any of them even if we had the chance. Not even for a second.

The guys we’ve ended up marrying are more than we could ever have asked for or imagined, more than we would have ever been able to dream of when were in the depths of our heartbreak. And that’s how it should be.


(Here’s a podcast episode where my best friend and I talk about how we got through some of our toughest breakups, and why we wouldn’t go back and change our stories even for a second!)


I know you, and you wouldn’t marry someone who is a poor man’s replacement for the guy you’re trying to get over right now. Which means, the person you do marry will be better than the person you thought was perfect.

It’s just true. Mine is, it’s been the case for every woman I know, and I believe that it’s true for you too, friend.

Allow yourself to open your hands, do the intentional things you need to do to start letting go, and to start moving forward, because I promise you — there are better things ahead than the ones you’re leaving behind.

I’m on your team, I’m praying for you, and you can do this. I know you can.

All my love,

Stephanie

P.S. Could you use some encouragement in this season, a reminder that you’re not alone in this, or just a distraction? (Sometimes a distraction is so so helpful!).

If so, click here. That link will take you to a free download of my book, The Lipstick Gospel.

It’s the story of the time when I got my heart broken into a million pieces, and how that heartbreak ended up being the very best thing to ever happen to me. 

You can connect with a licensed, vetted, faith-based counselor


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Add a Comment
  1. Shelly says:

    Wow. Thank you for putting into words the feelings I’ve had for the last few months now. The Lord blessed me so much through them – you have no idea. Thanks for reminding me I’m not alone & that I’m worth loving.

  2. Katie says:

    Thank you so much for writing this. It’s crazy because this topic was heavy on my heart today and then I saw this post. You wrote literally exactly how I feel. God totally spoke through this. Thanks again and God bless!

  3. Ew. says:

    So how would one go about getting over a guy you’ve been friends with for years who is now talking to your best friend, his long lost middle school crush?
    Because at the end of the day, you want two good friends to be happy.
    — ew.

  4. Heather says:

    This is exactly what I am going through! These words are things I have been learning through this time and reading them has really helped me move forward in confidence! Thank you!

    • Ievgeniia says:

      Dear Stephanie,

      I thank you a lot for your message. Your words have revived me!

      It’s really difficult to overcome the feelings even when being ignored of rejected by the guy.

      This is a choice of both people whether they want to be together or not. And this is my own decision to stop being obsessed with that guy and simply to get over it. I’ll do my best and work hard by following your advices. That was just a wrong guy. But there is “my man” waiting for me somewhere, this is what I believe.

  5. Brooke says:

    This is exactly what I needed to see!! Thank you so much! I believe God spoke so clearly to me through this!! 🙂

  6. Katie says:

    I think a super interesting takeaway here regarding the imaginative aspect of love is that sometimes when we meet someone (much like your friend did) and obsess over them in the interim until we actually start dating them, it’s almost like we’re doomed to begin with.

    When you conceive this beautiful image of a person in your head and decide they’re for you before they even prove themselves, it’s so much harder to move on! I loved acknowledging this. I think it brings people back down to size. Thank you for writing this, Stephanie!

  7. Emily says:

    I love what you said about God not making us love Him because it is so much more beautiful when we get to choose to love. I never thought about that in regards to love towards other people, however. It makes so much sense though- if we are the bridegroom of Christ and our marriage on Earth is only a small image of what marriage with Him is like, then shouldn’t love and how we approach that marriage be the same? Thank you so much for sharing!

  8. Kelly Fitzgerald says:

    Hey Stephanie,

    Wanted to take a moment and truly thank you for this. About a month ago I got out of a relationship with someone I was convinced was the one. I prayed that same prayer to God and I have also prayed for healing and answers. This blog post is one of those answers. While I will never fully understand God’s plan, I do know that it will be beautiful.

    -Kelly

  9. Erica says:

    I randomly came across this just a few hours after I told my friend -turned crush- turned heartbreak that I needed to cease communication with him. I prayed for some guidance and stumbled onto your blog. God surely does answer in our time of need. Anyways, wonderful post and you now have a new subscriber.

    • Shana says:

      Wow how true is this, I mean I have recently started talking to my very first crush ever, which he initiated, and now that I have him up on a pedestal in my head, he seems to ghost me in texts, we do live 10hrs apart but still really hurt me like no other, I mean I did just let him know that maybe we were on 2 different levels and I wasn’t gonna be texting him anymore, I mean I have to cut the ties if he doesn’t feel the same as I do, but thank you so much, this so helped me understand what I was doing to myself and I’m not the only one out there

  10. Monse says:

    Wow, God uses you in an amazing way. I never thought His answer to my prayer would be this clear. Thank you for following His calling for you. And for being sensitive to His voice.
    I pray that He can pour more of him in you!
    Thank you again for this piece of inspiration 🙂

  11. Ashley says:

    Thank you so much for posting this!!! I needed this so badly and the Lord knew it. I am currently in strong like or may have even fantasized myself into love with Him. He is a guy who took me out and led me on and really knew all along he was not ready for a relationship. I have been single for over 4 years trying to heal from an extremely abusive relationship and his passing. So he came along and my christian fairytale mentality decided this has to be it. The one im waiting for. Well hes not and really bad for me and not what God wants for me at all. However I know this and still struggle with the pain, rejection, and with getting over my feelings. So again thank you I really needed this. ♡♡♡

  12. Rebecca says:

    Thank You.
    God bless you!

  13. Kim Bischel says:

    This is certainly what I needed. God’s guidance at its finest! Heartbreak is very hurtful and it’s hard to move on. Trusting God’s plan is hard at times, but I truly know His plan is way better than mine!

  14. Lineth says:

    Hey Stephanie,

    Thank you for sharing.
    I needed answers to the exact thing I am going through and you have pointed them all out so clearly. Thank God for using you to share your experience as an encouragement to positive and brighter future for us all.

  15. Meagan says:

    I just found you recently, and am just reading this post now. After scrolling through the comments, I realized the date was right around my first MAJOR heart break, which still plagues me today, which was 2 years ago, and you wrote this post less than 2 days before we broke up. Just hearing this stuff on paper, it makes a difference. Thank you!

  16. Abigail says:

    This is exactly what I’ve been struggling with and you just put it into the exact words (ecspecally that pray for God to take the feelings away) 😉 this was so encouraging to read and it gives me a hope.

  17. lakelyn says:

    hey stephanie,

    I just got out of a relationship 8 weeks ago. I truly thought this guy was the one, but he didn’t choose me in the end. this post helped me so so much. it is truly an answered prayer. i have been praying and praying to stop desiring this guy that doesn’t want me and the fact that i have a choice really answered my prayer. so thank you!!! God is using you in a mighty way!!

  18. ???? says:

    Ok so me and the guy broke up awhile ago and I kept my distance and didn’t contact at all and I went to counseling and now my family and I are going back to the church he’s at and he said he wanted to be friends and I do too and I’ve had a break but now I don’t know what to do because I think about him a lot…I just feel stuck honestly and I don’t know what to do or pray.. I don’t wanna go to that church and have to see him and have him hate me.

  19. Marcella says:

    Thanks for writing this Stephanie. I can relate to the pain, heartbreak and distracted mind you share about. I also live my life believing the Spirit of God within me has been with me into relationships through choosing to end them. Though not easy, He leads us with a loving gentle nudge into the exciting unknown. Bless you.

  20. Gabbie says:

    Stephanie…. thank you so much. You have no idea how much I have been needing these. God bless you, your husband, your family, your spiritual walk with Jesus, and your marriage. ???? thank you thank you thank you . Thank you Jesus for always being on time . ???? God you’re always on time. Thank you Jesus for being my Alpha and Omega.

  21. Laura Richardson says:

    I needed to hear all of these things today, Steph!

    I am still hanging on to my last (and first) relationship, even though I know it wouldn’t be any better than when we broke up. But I still pretend like it could work.

    Interestingly, a friend told me that a guy I like will be asking me out soon, although I just don’t feel ready yet. I’m not sure what to tell him when he asks. I want to know him better, but it is not fair to him if I am still hanging on to the last relationship. I am afraid Guy #2 will lose interest before I feel “ready”, though, and it’s not fair to ask him to wait on me.

    But after reading this post, I feel confident in knowing that I need to remove myself completely from Guy#1’s life so I can start to heal and hope for better things. Maybe Guy #2 will still be available and interested by then – who knows?

    Thank you so much!

  22. Kayla says:

    This post has helped me so much. I have come such a long way. The only thing is, it’s been four years and I’ll be doing complexly fine and be completely happy and not thinking about him at all, but I’ll just get these waves where I’m so heartbroken and I don’t know where it comes from. I don’t know what to do

  23. Courtney says:

    I read this last night and have already started redirecting my mind towards imagining the future instead of dwelling on the past. I feel better this morning than I’ve honestly felt in months

  24. Elle says:

    I needed this so much. Thank you.

  25. F says:

    You don’t understand how much this has helped me. I am truly grateful for your wise words

  26. nicole says:

    thank you you are really smart !!!

  27. Dale Rees says:

    I had been ministering to this 30 something sweet man. I know why my Pastor says not to talk intimately with the opposite sex, because it could lead to physical thoughts that get in the way. Well it had been several years since I even enjoyed conversation with a male. Never about sexual thoughts, but all of a sudden when we talked he would take my breath away, especially When our thoughts agreed. But it never clicked until I looked at him, & he was looking straight into my eyes, I felt like I was melting. It wasn’t suppose to be this way…A crush that turned obsessive, that I couldn’t turn off. My intimate connection with God is my ultimate love though. He has gotten me through things my whole life. Jesus says that we will go through trials & tribulations as He had here on earth. Thank You for sharing your story. You have helped me, as well as many others. Before reading this, I thought I was the only one feeling this heartbroken pain. I told the male I loved him & always pray for him even though I don’t see him for months, only in passing…It indeed is our choice, as God gives us free will. The results of our choices we make will determine our success in accomplishing what we ask for. Now, to think this differently, I thank my God for giving me these feelings letting me know that I am alive in Him, with Him, & through you speaking a loving Holy Spirit healing.
    “Be Blessed in Jesus Precious Name.”

  28. Samantha W says:

    Reading ur emails do help me emotionally n spiritually and I hope they never stop. Thank you for taking the time to answer the questions we many have in our heads. Thank You!

  29. Tahnia says:

    Wow, I really needed to hear this today. Thanks. I’m sending links to your article to my mom and my friends.

  30. RUthie says:

    Stephanie,
    A few weeks I received an email from you with the subject “The Man You Marry will be Worth the Wait”… it was sooo on time.
    Prior to this, I don’t recall ever subscribing or even knowing about you. But let me just say, God has used you immensely. I’ve read The Lipstick Gospel, listen to your podcast pretty much everyday and am now doing the 90 day devotional.

    I’ve been dealing with heartbreak and just praying for healing. Your materials and resources have really been tools that are helping me get through this tough season. Thanks for writing this. It really spoke to me and I am just in awe at how God works. I’ve already been doing a few of the steps you mentioned will try the ones I haven’t.

    Thanks Steph!

  31. Alejandra says:

    This is so beautiful! I feel like I need closure with a long time crush I’ve had, someone who I thought I had gotten over with but surely, I haven’t but after reading this and learning to trust in God, I know that the Lord will never fail to guide the way and “choose” my husband and let him “choose me.” For these past three years I felt I wasn’t enough because he didn’t notice me but perhaps it is actually God’s protection and constant reminder of “Just wait for the right time”

  32. Tee says:

    This was totally refreshing, I have been going through a yo-yo of a relationship/engagement and just had trouble letting go but knew inside that I had to. I also was asking God why would he bring this situation into my life several, missing the fact that it was my choice and my free will. This post was amazing, it truly was an eye opener. God Bless and Thank You.

  33. Ty Ivey says:

    Mrs. Wilson I cried ???? the entire time reading this because I’m going through exactly what you’re writing about. I’m going to take these steps the only hard thing about this situation is how do you keep distance from a person you have kids with?

  34. Kella says:

    Thank you… i hope i get that fresh start, as i’m going through this times. I’ve been praying over those steps and i’ve gone through those steps of avoiding the person…but it gets harder when they are your classmate. I’m hoping i can look back at this comment in a few months and laugh over it…(time heals wounds i believe). 🙂

  35. TIMILEHIN says:

    Thank you for this, but I’m still struggling,I really want to get over him ASAP.

  36. Paola says:

    Stephanie,
    Thank you so much for your words. I needed to hear this!! God has spoken to me through your blog. Sending many blessings your way.
    May God continue to use you to bless and touch many lives more.
    Love
    Paola

  37. Olivia says:

    Thank you so much for saying all of that. I went through one of the hardest breakups that I could possibly think of. He seemed to move on fine but I was the complete opposite. I tried to do things like have another crush but no matter what I do I always find myself thinking about him again, and the five steps will definitely help so I can get back to who I have been in the past and who my friends remember me as.

  38. Lauren says:

    I had a crush that I couldn’t get over the whole time I was just his friend I didn’t feel so good I had high anxiety I started feeling like I was going throw up I’m not his friend anymore and I feel much better he wasn’t really that great a friend anyway after he got a girlfriend he turned into a jerk most guys do

  39. Hayn says:

    I’ve been waiting to hear real words of encouragement and this has truly done it for me. I want to thank you for creating this amazing blog post. You did a PHENOMENAL job describing your story of how you pulled through. I’ve never felt so connected and understood, I literally read every single word. It’s so many young women like myself who need to hear this. Thank you!

  40. MiriAm says:

    Thank you so much for this. I have been struggling to get over someone whom I know won’t like me in a romantic way but I’m still getting my hopes up because he’s always there for me.
    This post helps me understand why God didn’t do anything about my feelings for that guy even if I always pray for Him to take whatever it is.
    It’s hard to forget someone and move on, but I know that i’ll get through this somehow. 🙂

  41. Bev Moore says:

    Hey stephanie and I love what I just read in your book or paragraphs….it fits me to a tee….sometimes I feel so desperate for a good man ….I do feel lonely and i got friends that are with a boyfriend and i know i got a lot going for me but I cant seem to attract one

  42. Rach says:

    Gosh, this was such a good post. What you wrote and shared about the process has resonated so well and made me feel like I wasn’t alone! I was struggling with crushes that never turn into something and getting over to move on, and what you addressed about thinking cycle and perspective to see how the person you marry will be the coolest person hit home for me. Thanks so much for this vulnerable and honest post.

  43. Oscar says:

    Hi I’m actually a guy but this blog feels like it will really help me. I’m praying but does anyone know how one should distance themselves? Should I let my crush know that I need space? She is my friend and coworker and I’m so conflicted on how to proceed. Should I just distance myself and only say something if she ask why I’m acting so weird? Any advice is welcomed.

  44. Maria says:

    I dont know where to start..I am sitting here in a bubble of tears..THAT BLOG I JUST READ from tremendously blessed me and truly touched me. I cant stop crying. I googled something similar because I’m going that..and your blog came up. Lord I came to tears immediately. Thank you for being so open and honest about your life and experience. I’m happy you love have found you. Ladies let’s stay encouraged. Our time is NOW. Lets stay focused. THANK YOU AGAIN. BE BLESSED

  45. Mary says:

    Being in a happy relationship for almost 2 years but the thought of sex before marriage, my anxiety and fear of losing him is tearing me apart snd i think is because in the beginning i didnt lay the foundation rightly. I want out of the relationship but am to scared and too weak to do so.

  46. College girl says:

    Try 30 years…both of us are married with children…he moved on 30 years ago but I’m haunted. It’s cyclical…We were in college. I fell deeply in love with his flaws and perfections. He shared his dreams with me. I was the one he showed a house too that was like the one he wanted to have one day. I was the one he called to share his MCAT scores with. I was the one he let go of. I struggled after that for years…lost myself. I was an honor student in high school and also destined for med school but lost my drive. He came from what I thought was the perfect life. My parents divorced. Fast forward…I met a wonderful man of God and have a lovely family. I moved to the city my husband lived in…things were going pretty good…except for the hauntings of my past thoughts every now and then. Then one day a family member tells me that he has also moved to the same city…what are the odds God? Then I learn he’s this highly successful specialist living in a 10,000 sweet foot mansion. Remember I was the one he showed his dream home to back in college and gave his MCAT score report to. My first thought was praise God …he did it. Then complete sadness because he did it without me. Then I find out his wife is also a doctor…so I feel worse because that was suppose to be me with him but I remind myself…I have beautiful children who love me and I love them. My husband and I have bumped heads here and there over the years. I think it’s my fault because I entered the marriage with residual feelings I did not really know we’re there. It’s like I never let the college guy go…but he certainly let me go. His life is a dream…lavish parties…featured in the socialite section of our local paper all of the time. He was even in an article about people in the city who spent the most money on their water bill each month. I sound crazy…but I love God…know He has a plan for my life. I have had a great career using my science degree…my husband and I are comfortable. But those memories still hurt today. I don’t know why but the hurt never resolved.. I live with it daily…secretly. I pray constantly but it’s like a cancer that won’t go into remission. I almost feel like God is punishing me sometimes…to be in same city and hear about his life…even knowing some of the same mutual people. When I look at my children…it helps…they are very smart and my oldest daughter started her own company in college. I know God has a plan for my life and for there’s…my husband and I have made it for years in spite of bumping heads as often as we have. He’s a great father and husband. I know I’m an anomaly…I have no reason to still feel pain over my past when you look at my life from the outside. I can even see God’s hand in my life but a stronghold has a remnant of my heart and I have not been able to completely break free. I don’t wish this pain on anyone.

  47. Jen says:

    I am glad I found this! I’m 50, but recently ended a relationship with a younger man. I think I caught up in the excitement and infatuation, but as time went on, I realized I had some wounds from years ago that surfaced and could not be ignored. While I tried to maintain the relationship, I started to feel angry, almost obligated to remain in the relationship as I was suffering. It was not healthy and come to find out he held back a lot of things he wanted to ask me, so his needs weren’t being met either. It is hard to let him go because he is a wonderful man and he is the first man to really show me love and acceptance in years. But I still wrestle with the wondering if I really had feelings or if it was just the infatuation stage and then it wore off and I lost interest. I started to feel angry, almost obligated to remain in the relationship as I was suffering. It was not healthy and come to find out he held back a lot of things he wanted to ask me, so his needs weren’t being met either. It is hard to let him go because he is a wonderful man and he is the first man to really show me love and acceptance in years. But I still wrestle with the wondering if I really had feelings or if it was just the infatuation stage and then it wore off and I lost interest. I am praying for healing in my life and to allow God to heal my buried wounds, so I can know with confidence and assurance that I do love someone and am capable of doing so. I struggled with blocking him on Facebook and blocking his phone number but I had to do those, after reading your article! It’s the only way I can truly break away. It does hurt and it does feel cruel as you mentioned. I still care for him a great deal but I don’t feel capable to give him what he deserves. And yes, I’ve had those thoughts and feelings of never finding the right one for me. I’ve been afraid of never finding someone and settling for any man that pays me attention, which is very unhealthy. I have hope that God will heal my heart. It’s tough because I was the one doing the breaking up, but I still care about this man. I just know I can’t be with him. I wish him nothing but good things, even if I can’t be in his life anymore.

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