If my relationship with God was like college, my major would be reckless faith.
It’s one of those things that has always come naturally, like Spanish and photography- something that I haven’t had to work hard for but something that I’ve enjoyed immensely. It’s my favorite thing to talk about and will always be my advice.
Be childish, reckless and fearless in your faith. Jump even when you don’t think He’s going to catch you. Run and dance and play and know that you are absolutely adored by your Heavenly Father.
I don’t know what it is called necessarily, but whatever her name is, she’s wearing a yellow sundress, and has a ribbon in her hair- she's dancing and twirling and getting into the best kinds of trouble.
That’s who I am. That’s who I am at my core- when I'm at my best.
But things aren’t always that way.
Somewhere recently, that stopped. Somewhere along the line, I was clued into the fact that I could be hurt and that things could not always work out the way I want them to- that I should be afraid. Somewhere along the line being reckless began to sound dangerous, and I became a disciple of the ‘be cautious and don’t risk too much’ camp, trading in my ribbon for some sensible shoes.
I don’t want to jump, I don’t trust him, and I’m not at all the girl in the sundress. I’m the one on the sidelines, arms crossed, looking a bit too cool for school and missing out completely.
And it’s been breaking my heart for months.
No matter how hard I’ve tried, no matter what tricks I’ve pulled, no matter what words I’ve prayed or what books I’ve read, I haven’t been able to step out from under this ‘I’m a disappointment’/‘try harder stupid’ mentality.
I’ve spent months angry with myself for somehow losing my faith- and it only just occurred to me that I actually haven't lost anything.
I’m just now realizing that God’s actually taking the thing that I took for granted, and taking me a level deeper. He has me starting over. Almost from scratch- learning everything again, in a newer and deeper way.
He’s teaching me again, what it means to follow Him- how to know where He’s going and how to line myself up with Him. He’s teaching me all over again what it means to have Him love me and what I have to do to get there- that it's not something I earn, but rather something I receive.
And this is the truth that I've landed on- the truth that's unraveling the ‘try harder stupid' mentality that's been tying me up for months.
God loves us. Nothing in all of creation can ever take us away from His love. We can't perform our way into His love. It's by faith that we are justified. It's by faith that we are saved. That's it. Faith. With God we can do anything- without Him we can do nothing. The best way to be close to Him is to love each other. That's all He asks of us. Love Him and love each other. It's that simple.
So in response to these truths, our job is to tie the ribbon back in our hair, twirling and dancing and laughing until it hurts. We get to be reckless and childlike in our faith, knowing that we have nothing to fear and we have SO much to love.